Church of Scientology Recalling All Ecclesiastical Jewelry

scientology jewelry

The Church of Scientology has issued an immediate worldwide recall of all ecclesiastical jewelry items sold within the last 20 years. An investigation by Chairman of the Board RTC revealed that the designer of Scientology’s jewelry collection was in actual fact a raving SP who suppressively and covertly implanted each and every item with highly enturbulated body thetans! Upon making this groundbreaking discovery COB knew that drastic steps had to be taken to protect his beloved flock. As a result He knew that an immediate and total recall was the only possible course of action.

Church members must return all jewelry items including clear bracelets, OT necklaces and Scientology crosses so they can be melted down to release the trapped body thetans. Moreover as COB does not wish for a single Scientologist to suffer a loss of havingness or lack of mass all Scientologists are required to repurchase their BT-free jewelry from their closest ideal org jewelry shop.

And as Mr. Miscavige recognizes that the economy is still recovering he has graciously approved a 5% discount until the end of the year for all replacement purchases. Above all COB cares deeply and is rightly concerned that any Scientologist who does not heed this recall could end up being driven insane by these suppressive body thetans!

However Tony Ortega can keep his clear bracelet as COB does not care about his eternity other than praying (to Himself of course) that he ends up dying alone, in pain and in the dark as LRH foretold for those who do not avail themselves of the priceless technology of Dianetics and Scientology!

tony ortega goes clear

Suppressive joker, degrader and yellow journalist Tony Ortega shamelessly flaunting his squirrel Clear bracelet.

2 responses to “Church of Scientology Recalling All Ecclesiastical Jewelry

  1. The Ecclesiastical Jewelry recall has been broadened to include Rolex, Piaget, Cartier, IWC, Hublot and other luxury watches. Additionally, all wedding rings, gold jewelry, and diamonds must be turned in to RTC along with old Quantum meters.

  2. COB has also included gold fillings in the recall of all Scientology Inc. jewelry, especially fillings make with 14 or 18 kt gold (if gold foil, it must be pure 24 kt gold). COB’s dentist has about 11 lbs. of dental gold and needs to add 10 fillings to COB’s mouth by Thursday at 2 PM.

    “Most of this came from the whales in Los Angeles, New York and San Francisco,” reported Ken Delusion, spokesman for Scientology Inc. Stats for the recall of gold fillings are in screaming affluence, he added, ever since tickets went on sale in those three cities for the Alex Gibney/HBO Film Documentary, “Going Clear: Scientology & the Prison of Belief.”

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