Tag Archives: Tom Cruise

Ask COB – Dec 17 2015

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: Why did you order the Introspection Rundown for Lisa McPherson?

An excellent question! The brilliant reasoning behind my ordering the introspection rundown for Lisa McPherson comes from powerful OT knowledge from far down our future track. Unfortunately this means it’s super confidential. However I can tell you that the main reason I knew this to be a necessary action was the act of Lisa leaving her credit cards by the side of the road when she disrobed after her car accident. There is nothing a Scientologist cherishes more than their credit cards as they are the key to spiritual freedom! A Scientologist would rather abandon their BT-infested children on the side of the road than their precious credit cards. Once I heard this I knew drastic measures had to be taken!

And my plan would have worked if not for the dastardly Paulette Cooper working in concert with German psychs and government-sponsored saboteurs! They managed to sneak past security and terminatedly exteriorize our beloved Lisa with an untraceable poison. And then they had the gall to try and pin it on us – the fastest growing religion in the universe!

Dear COB: What are you getting your beloved wife Shelly for Christmas?

That bitch’s stats are down but I’m giving her a lovely gift nonetheless – one coupon good for getting out of an ecclesiastical beating!

Dear COB: We’re all playing the game of giving LRH ideal orgs for Christmas but I was wondering what you’d like to see under the tree sir?

I’d be happy with Mike and Marty‘s heads mounted on top of 2 bottles of 50 year old Macallan single malt scotch. It’d be like Pez for alcoholic sociopaths!

Dear COB: I was just wondering, what’s your favorite Tom Cruise film sir?

Definitely the wedding night video I secretly recorded of him and Katie. Thankfully the angle I chose for the hidden camera ensured that most of the video is of Tom’s ass. So theta!

10,000th Sea Org Member Beaten in Historic Ceremony

Scientology staff members lined up to give a CICS failure exactly what he deserves!

Int base staff members lined up to give a CICS disgrace exactly what he deserves while COB proudly observes!

Marking a major milestone in the history of the Scientology religion, the 10,000th Sea Org member was beaten today in an historic ceremony at Scientology’s International Base in Hemet, CA. And underscoring the significance and importance of this occasion in the tomes of history was the presence of none other than the leader of the Scientology religion, Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige. After mounting his trusty apple box Mr. Miscavige capably and effectively delivered the first blow to the downstat CICS* while his faithful admirers cheered him on.

Immediately afterward, emboldened and inspired by COB’s powerful display of manliness, the rest of the base’s staff took turns beating the degraded being about the face, torso, testicles and legs. It was a true display of the kind of spontaneous camaraderie and solidarity that you’ll only find in the fastest growing religion on earth.

And while saddened that he could not attend and personally throttle the human waste that had offended his best friend and the leader of leaders, IAS Freedom Medal of Valor winner Mr. Tom Cruise nonetheless listened in by telephone and enthusiastically offered his verbal support.

The offending staff member, who had once again failed COB and thus let down LRH for all eternity, had committed the grievous and unforgivable offense of leaving a stray drop of dried spittle upon one of Mr. Miscavige’s dainty $5000 John Lobb dress shoes while polishing them with his tongue.

After his ecclesiastical beating the CICS staff member was presented with an SP declare and divorce papers so as to spare his wife the humiliation of being married to such a degraded piece of filth. COB then graciously took the ex-staff member’s former wife back to his chambers to help her run out the incident as only a highly trained Class XXV auditor such as him can.

Staff members conveyed rave life-changing wins from participating in this important event:

After I hit that out-ethics trash my space just expanded and I could see the whole of time and space. This must’ve been what it was like for LRH when he had underperformers thrown overboard when he was on the Apollo!

When COB whallopped that piece of shit I felt a delicious quivering in my naughty bits!

This was more fun than that time we put Debbie Cook in a barrel of water! So theta!!!

When I saw them bringing out COB’s apple box I knew shit was about to get real!

Thank God we found out <suppressive trash> was a whole-track Marcabian SP sent here to destroy COB and Scientology!!!

* CICS = Counter intentioned cocksucker – Anyone who disagrees with a COB directive thus jeopardizing the eternity of all mankind.

For OSA Eyes Only! Top 10 Reasons “Going Clear” Was Produced

Confidential RTC directive to all OSA personnel: As HBO’s slanderous Going Clear “documentary” has undoubtedly led to troublesome questions from Scientology customers parishioners emergency measures were necessary to minimize the potential damage to our off-shore bank accounts faithful parishioners’ eternities.

And owing to the fact that everyone in OSA is a completely useless degraded being, Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige had to once again step in and save the day. He has compiled the following top 10 reasons “Going Clear” was produced. All OSA personnel are to M-9 this list and then drill it verbatim until it’s burned into your puny little CICS memory banks!

  1. Ideal orgs have so many new public flowing in that it’s driving the psychs insane with rage. *Not your org – just all of the other ones. Your empty org obviously has SPs on its lines!
  2. HBO is now a psych-run implant station. Take for example the recent Frank Sinatra documentary by the suppressive “Going Clear” producer Alex Gibney. As you know from your studies of the ACC lectures LRH revealed that Frank Sinatra was actually a Marcabian spy sent to Earth to hypnotize the public!
  3. Lawrence Wright and Alex Gibney are cross-dressing male prostitutes in the employ of none other than sex-ring kingpin Marty Rathbun! Marty threatened to expose their perverted activities if they didn’t make this “documentary” to slander Scientology and its beloved leader Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige!
  4. The crack div-6 team at the LA model ideal org is so effective at getting thousands of new people into Scientology every single day that it’s literally causing the psychs and merchants of chaos to have psychotic breaks!
  5. HBO is terrified of the competition they will receive from Scientology Media Productions. They know that nobody will watch their pornographic filth and poorly written trash when they can instead view wholesome and enlightening entertainment like “Tom Cruise’s Next Bride.”
  6. Upcoming infomercials to market the Mark Ultra VIII E-Meter to raw public are so powerful and impinging that the psychs are in complete terror.
  7. Colombian SPs are so furious that our “The Way To Happiness” campaign has cut crime in their country by 80% that they funneled drug money to HBO to help finance “Going Clear.”
  8. The Fifth Invader Fleet is prepping Earth for invasion and as Scientology is the only thing that can stop them they must do everything possible to destroy us.
  9. Forthcoming LRH Hall in Clearwater has the psychs and SPs in panic mode. They know this is the next crucial step in COB’s masterful plan to fully enable world clearing.
  10. Black PR campaign by the squirrel group Neurotology.

Scientology Media Productions Announces Upcoming Programming!

satellite-dish

Scientology Media Productions is proud to announce its exciting upcoming programming lineup! As you know  we have been fundraising for this facility for quite some time and thanks to our generous donors we now have our multimillion dollar state-of-the-art satellite dish! This will enable us to broadcast to the billions right here from beautiful downtown Burbank!

And in commemoration of this momentous event we are also thrilled to announce that we will be rebranding Scientology Media Productions as Scientology Media Enhancing Reality thru Services & Hatting (or SMERSH for short). And now without further ado here are some of the exciting theta shows you’ll be able to watch soon.

  • Cosmology –  Learn the TRUE data about the origins of our universe – such as how Earth was populated by the Marcabians and how the Fifth Invader Fleet still threatens us today. Neil deGrasse Tyson and the producers of Cosmos are frauds as they ignored the vast contributions LRH made to the field of astrophysics and exploring our time track.
  • Incognito Boss – COB visits failing Class V orgs in disguise and beats up under-performing CICS staff members.
  • Tom Cruise’s Next Bride – Hosted by none other than Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige! Tom Cruise is lonely and once again only his pals from the Church of Scientology can help him find a new gal. And they’ve got their work cut out for them because not only must she be knockout gorgeous, she has to also be free of all body thetans and counter-intention. But not to worry, Tom’s best buddy COB RTC Mr. David “Slappy” Miscavige is on the job!
  • Freedom Magazine – All of your favorite news stories from the hard-hitting journalists at Freedom Magazine including:
    • Who is Marty Rathbun and How He Caused The Holocaust!
    • Alex Gibney – Documentary Producer or Marcabian Assassin?
    • Chemtrails – Harmless Condensation or Evil Psych Plot?
  • Celebrity Confessionals – Direct from COB’s vast video vault the most lurid misdeeds of your favorite Scientology celebrities! Guaranteed to be spicy!
  • Real Housewives of Int Base – You saw them on Anderson Cooper and now you’ll get an inside look at the glamorous lives of these royal ladies of Scientology’s international headquarters!
  • RPF Rascals – Kids in Scientology’s cadet org getting into all sorts of hilarious hijinks! But that pesky ethics officer is always watching!
  • YSCOHB: Scientology After Dark – Scientology’s hottest staff members doing what they do best after hours – you’ve never seen dissem drills or touch assists like this before!
  • Breaking News from COB Central. Programming will consist of ideal org expansion news, COB’s breakthrough accomplishments, and other such exciting news programming.
  • Ideal Org Events – Exclusive videos of all ideal org events which per surveys are the finest entertainment that can be experienced!
  • Dianetics infomercial broadcast 12 hours per day!
  • Top Gun broadcast every day!

So donate everything you can in our latest round of fundraising (so we can buy the millions of dollars of cabling to hook to our satellite dish) and get ready for the most theta TV you’ve ever seen!

Some Frequently Asked Questions About Scientology – Part 2

scientology big blueWe’re happy to have Church of Scientology spokesbot and minister of propaganda Karen Kapow back at Scientology 411 to answer some more questions about the highly controversial Church of Scientology (see part 1 of this series here).

Some former members have accused your leader of being violent with subordinates. Does David Miscavige beat his staff?

Absolutely not! This is all just a huge misunderstanding that has been totally blown out of proportion. Mr. Miscavige merely offers his staff loving touch assists which are occasionally misinterpreted as being violent. As a matter of fact Mr. Miscavige is so committed to non-violence that he once ran off the road and totaled his expensive sports car to avoid hitting a butterfly.

The “RPF” has been described by defectors as a hellish prison camp not unlike the infamous prisons in North Korea. What exactly is the “RPF”?

“Hellish prison camp?” Oh those silly counter-intentioned cocksuckers and their lies – bless their bitter apostate hearts! Why nothing could be further than the truth, “RPF” actually stands for Rehabilitative Paradise Funtime. It is a therapeutic action for Sea Org members who are in need of a bit of spiritual “polishing.” Lucky participants work for years on fun activities including arts and crafts projects for a minimum of 20 hours a day. Examples include constructing rock walls, running around poles for days, growing fields of flowers for Tom Cruise and building furniture to sell to ideal orgs. It truly is a worker’s paradise.

We would appreciate it if you would refrain from using profanity.

What… cocksucker? That’s a sacred ecclesiastical term in Scientology.

Why is Scientology so opposed to psychiatry?

Because we know the true history of psychiatry! Psychiatrists are whole-track interstellar invaders hellbent on using their unproven pseudoscience for world domination and planetary enslavement. In short we do not like the competition.

There have been numerous reports of Sea Org members being coerced into having abortions. How do you respond to that?

Absolute balderdash! While having children in the Sea Org is discouraged if it happens we consider it a blessed event. Newly expecting mothers are merely issued metal coat hangers to hang up their beautiful new maternity clothes and darning needles to knit booties for baby. Just because a few of them choose to misuse these gifts is not our fault.

Your church has been criticized for using child labor. How do you respond to that?

Well our critics forced us to stop the mandatory abortions so what else are we supposed to do with the little bastards except put them to work? We can’t let them be downstat or they’ll be offloaded to live on the streets. Anyhow they are lucky and proud to work in the service of LRH and COB whether they are using their tiny bodies to clean grease traps, trapping rats for RPFer’s meals or carrying ashtrays for important execs.

Furthermore those children receive a wonderful education with access to the world’s finest library consisting of only beloved LRH titles like “The Chee Chalker” and “Battlefield Earth”. Additionally they take classes that consist of listening to L. Ron Hubbard’s thousands of lectures which is vastly superior to any worthless wog university education. Some even go on to study the LRH Course on Computer Tech where they learn how to program vacuum tube computers like the ones used at NASA!

And one final question that we’ve gotten a lot lately – what the hell is wrong with Kirstie Alley?

Well… I really shouldn’t tell you this but we read celebrity PC folders for fun and intelligence gathering. Anyhow, Kirstie is in heavy restim from a whole track incident where she ate an entire planet. Her guilt from this huge overt is causing her to lash out with hateful nonsensical ramblings. We’re currently trying to lure her into an auditing room for a session at Celebrity Centre by leaving a trail of cakes and pies down Hollywood Blvd.

Thank you for your time Ms. Kapow. We hope to have you back soon for part 3.

You’re quite welcome cocksucker.

The Miscavige Professional Ass Hat Course

In the Church of Scientology the idea of hats is rather important. Per LRH a hat is defined thusly:

1. On a train, a locomotive engineer and a conductor each wears a different kind of hat. You will notice that various jobs in the society are designated by different hats. From this we get the word hat as a slang term meaning one’s specialized duties. This is one’s hat.

2. The duties of a post. It comes from the fact that jobs are often distinguished by a type of hat as fireman, policeman, conductor, etc. Hence the term hat.

3. A hat is a specialty.

And in today’s Church of Scientology there is no hat more valuable to wear than the ass hat. It is truly the mark of a professional corporate Scientologist. And it is for this reason the Church of Scientology is proud to announce the brand new Miscavige Professional Ass Hat Course!

In this powerful course you will learn priceless knowledge like:

  • How to effectively scream phrases that cause critics to immediately cave in such as “Have you raped a baby?!?”
  • The Scientology tech of downvoting – This powerful tech shatters SPs that post hateful entheta and anti-Scientology propaganda on criminal sites like The Underground Bunker.
  • Key LRH strategies from “Operation Freakout” and “Operation Snow White” that will enable you to crush scurrilous suppressives.
  • The tech of mailing child pornography to critics and then reporting them to police.
  • Personal tips from COB RTC himself on which brands of scotch help you wear your ass hat dauntlessly and defiantly.
  • How to poison critics’ pets without leaving any evidence behind.
  • Regging techniques exclusive to this course including drilling to flatten any backoff due to concern for the mark’s financial well-being or reservations about using guilt, threats, violence or blackmail.

Rave reviews from recent course completions:

My neighbor recently told me that he considered Scientology to be a dangerous cult. Knowing the tech from this course, I immediately stuck my fingers in my ears and repeatedly screamed “BABY RAPER, BABY RAPER, BABY RAPER!!!” at him. Later that night I set his cat on fire and shoved it though his kitty door. The house burned to the ground and the SP was forced to move. Now the neighborhood is entheta-free! E.B.

There was an SP in my city that was vocally critical of our religion. Using the tech of mailing child porn, I was able to get him locked up for 20 years. However I couldn’t find any online or at my local grocery so I molested a young child from my neighborhood (don’t worry – it was a wog of course!) while taking photos. But it was all for the greater good and the kid obviously “pulled it in” – plus I made a large IAS donation so everything is cool. Thank you COB!!! A.M.

As an IAS Freedom Medal of Valor winner I can tell you that the data on this course is priceless beyond measure. I mean, man…it’s like…phew…wow…KSW times 1000! T.C.

I recently led a team that mercilessly harassed a heretical squirrel in Texas that was threatening our religion by mocking COB and delivering the tech for free. I can attest that what I learned from this course proved to be invaluable for squirrel busting! J.A.

Some of the recent graduates of the New Miscavige Professional Ass Hat Course:

Kirstie Alley

Kirstie Alley recently completed the course and immediately put her new skills to work attacking Leah Remini.

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise did the pilot program at Int Base and was personally supervised by BFF Chairman of the Board RTC David Miscavige!

And the man without whom this powerful course would not be possible – the master of asshattery and biggest asshat of them all…

David Miscavige

Chairman of the Board RTC and Scientology Leader of Leaders Mr. David “Slappy” Miscavige.

Do The New Miscavige Professional Ass Hat Course At Your Local Org Today!

diffiCult to leave – A Brilliant Musical Account of Leaving Scientology

The immensely talented Roslyn Cohn has created a brilliantly insightful, hilarious, highly entertaining and poignant (seriously it’s so good I can’t come up with enough appropriately complimentary descriptive adjectives) musical account of her time in the Church of Scientology. Check it out and if you enjoy it (and trust me you will unless you’re a die-hard cultie) share the Youtube link and send her some love on Twitter.