Tag Archives: Int Mgmt

10,000th Sea Org Member Beaten in Historic Ceremony

Scientology staff members lined up to give a CICS failure exactly what he deserves!

Int base staff members lined up to give a CICS disgrace exactly what he deserves while COB proudly observes!

Marking a major milestone in the history of the Scientology religion, the 10,000th Sea Org member was beaten today in an historic ceremony at Scientology’s International Base in Hemet, CA. And underscoring the significance and importance of this occasion in the tomes of history was the presence of none other than the leader of the Scientology religion, Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige. After mounting his trusty apple box Mr. Miscavige capably and effectively delivered the first blow to the downstat CICS* while his faithful admirers cheered him on.

Immediately afterward, emboldened and inspired by COB’s powerful display of manliness, the rest of the base’s staff took turns beating the degraded being about the face, torso, testicles and legs. It was a true display of the kind of spontaneous camaraderie and solidarity that you’ll only find in the fastest growing religion on earth.

And while saddened that he could not attend and personally throttle the human waste that had offended his best friend and the leader of leaders, IAS Freedom Medal of Valor winner Mr. Tom Cruise nonetheless listened in by telephone and enthusiastically offered his verbal support.

The offending staff member, who had once again failed COB and thus let down LRH for all eternity, had committed the grievous and unforgivable offense of leaving a stray drop of dried spittle upon one of Mr. Miscavige’s dainty $5000 John Lobb dress shoes while polishing them with his tongue.

After his ecclesiastical beating the CICS staff member was presented with an SP declare and divorce papers so as to spare his wife the humiliation of being married to such a degraded piece of filth. COB then graciously took the ex-staff member’s former wife back to his chambers to help her run out the incident as only a highly trained Class XXV auditor such as him can.

Staff members conveyed rave life-changing wins from participating in this important event:

After I hit that out-ethics trash my space just expanded and I could see the whole of time and space. This must’ve been what it was like for LRH when he had underperformers thrown overboard when he was on the Apollo!

When COB whallopped that piece of shit I felt a delicious quivering in my naughty bits!

This was more fun than that time we put Debbie Cook in a barrel of water! So theta!!!

When I saw them bringing out COB’s apple box I knew shit was about to get real!

Thank God we found out <suppressive trash> was a whole-track Marcabian SP sent here to destroy COB and Scientology!!!

* CICS = Counter intentioned cocksucker – Anyone who disagrees with a COB directive thus jeopardizing the eternity of all mankind.

COB Heroically Rescues Imprisoned Scientology Executives

Scientology office prisonThe Church of Scientology is overjoyed to announce that its beloved ecclesiastical leader Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige has found and rescued the church’s top executives who mysteriously went missing several years ago! Church spokesgoon and international director of propaganda Karin Kapouw offered the following details of this incredible story.

“After several years of holding International Management meetings and having Scientology execs not show up COB had grown increasingly concerned. As a matter of fact Mr. Miscavige had been worried sick thinking his beloved junior executives had been kidnapped by the fifth invader fleet or spirited away from the Int Base by U.S. government psychs!”

“Weary of the big not-know mystery sandwich with which he was faced, COB bravely decided to scour every corner of the base in order to get to the bottom of this mystery once and for all. Knowing that SPs literally lurk around every corner he armed himself with his favorite Uzi and summoned his trusty beagle Jelly. Whereupon he set out upon his journey going from building to building in a full-on investigation. When he approached a ramshackle trailer our brave ecclesiastical leader could not have foreseen the horror that awaited within its walls…”

David Miscavige

Chairman of the Board RTC – Hero and Savior of Lost Executives

“Upon prying open the sealed door COB discovered his beloved execs living in absolute squalor. They had been living in triple digit temperatures and subsisting on a meager diet of feces, rats and dirty rainwater for years. After freeing them from their hellish office prison the truth slowly emerged.  The execs had been imprisoned by that dastardly duo Marty Rathbun and Mike Rinder in a veritable prison they had nicknamed “The Hole” right before they blew staff and were declared SP. COB had absolutely no knowledge of this and was literally flabbergasted! He vowed to use every fair game tactic in the book against Marty and Mike in order to punish their treasonous act and to avenge the suffering of his faithful friends. That night COB treated his long-lost colleagues to a feast of leftover rice and beans before ordering them to undergo extensive sec checks to find out why they pulled this in.”

“Overjoyed at their rescue, the subsequent marvelous feast and at the possibility of receiving much needed interrogations to find their crimes the freed executives heaped praise upon their beloved leader and brave rescuer. Comments such as these could be heard above the laughter and joyous weeping.”

“Our leader has set us free and no matter how we rocket the stats we can never repay our debt to him!”

“We love you Chairman of the Board RTC and Captain of the Sea Org Mr. David Miscavige!”

“Thankfully our leader is exceptionally trim and fit. Old Tubby Hubbard would have passed out at the 3rd building he checked.”

“Praise be to COB, our gentle and loving master who took pity upon us. He is truly the leader of leaders and a theta angel of light!”

Ever humble, COB explained his heroic actions thusly, “Inasmuch as I care not for shameless boasting and macho bravado I cannot in good conscience deny that my liberation of upper Scientology management from “The Hole” is truly as significant an event as when U.S. forces liberated Jews from the concentration camps run by the German psychs and Marcabians.”

An international event will be held in  June to commemorate this joyous day and COB reminds all Scientologists that the best way to celebrate is to move up in IAS and Ideal Org status!