We’re happy to have Church of Scientology spokesbot and minister of propaganda Karen Kapow back at Scientology 411 to answer some more questions about the highly controversial Church of Scientology (see part 1 of this series here).
Some former members have accused your leader of being violent with subordinates. Does David Miscavige beat his staff?
Absolutely not! This is all just a huge misunderstanding that has been totally blown out of proportion. Mr. Miscavige merely offers his staff loving touch assists which are occasionally misinterpreted as being violent. As a matter of fact Mr. Miscavige is so committed to non-violence that he once ran off the road and totaled his expensive sports car to avoid hitting a butterfly.
The “RPF” has been described by defectors as a hellish prison camp not unlike the infamous prisons in North Korea. What exactly is the “RPF”?
“Hellish prison camp?” Oh those silly counter-intentioned cocksuckers and their lies – bless their bitter apostate hearts! Why nothing could be further than the truth, “RPF” actually stands for Rehabilitative Paradise Funtime. It is a therapeutic action for Sea Org members who are in need of a bit of spiritual “polishing.” Lucky participants work for years on fun activities including arts and crafts projects for a minimum of 20 hours a day. Examples include constructing rock walls, running around poles for days, growing fields of flowers for Tom Cruise and building furniture to sell to ideal orgs. It truly is a worker’s paradise.
We would appreciate it if you would refrain from using profanity.
What… cocksucker? That’s a sacred ecclesiastical term in Scientology.
Why is Scientology so opposed to psychiatry?
Because we know the true history of psychiatry! Psychiatrists are whole-track interstellar invaders hellbent on using their unproven pseudoscience for world domination and planetary enslavement. In short we do not like the competition.
There have been numerous reports of Sea Org members being coerced into having abortions. How do you respond to that?
Absolute balderdash! While having children in the Sea Org is discouraged if it happens we consider it a blessed event. Newly expecting mothers are merely issued metal coat hangers to hang up their beautiful new maternity clothes and darning needles to knit booties for baby. Just because a few of them choose to misuse these gifts is not our fault.
Your church has been criticized for using child labor. How do you respond to that?
Well our critics forced us to stop the mandatory abortions so what else are we supposed to do with the little bastards except put them to work? We can’t let them be downstat or they’ll be offloaded to live on the streets. Anyhow they are lucky and proud to work in the service of LRH and COB whether they are using their tiny bodies to clean grease traps, trapping rats for RPFer’s meals or carrying ashtrays for important execs.
Furthermore those children receive a wonderful education with access to the world’s finest library consisting of only beloved LRH titles like “The Chee Chalker” and “Battlefield Earth”. Additionally they take classes that consist of listening to L. Ron Hubbard’s thousands of lectures which is vastly superior to any worthless wog university education. Some even go on to study the LRH Course on Computer Tech where they learn how to program vacuum tube computers like the ones used at NASA!
And one final question that we’ve gotten a lot lately – what the hell is wrong with Kirstie Alley?
Well… I really shouldn’t tell you this but we read celebrity PC folders for fun and intelligence gathering. Anyhow, Kirstie is in heavy restim from a whole track incident where she ate an entire planet. Her guilt from this huge overt is causing her to lash out with hateful nonsensical ramblings. We’re currently trying to lure her into an auditing room for a session at Celebrity Centre by leaving a trail of cakes and pies down Hollywood Blvd.
Thank you for your time Ms. Kapow. We hope to have you back soon for part 3.
You’re quite welcome cocksucker.