Tag Archives: LRH

Merry Christmas From the Church of Scientology!

Scientology Christmas

And every Christmas while his BT-infested offspring were dreaming of sugar plums and ethics commendations in their stockings old Tubby would steal their presents to pay for his beloved cheap rum and “pinks and grays.”

Ask COB – Sept 15 2015

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: I haven’t seen Heber Jentzsch in ages sir? Where is he and what’s he up to?

Heber was exiled sent to Target 2 to help LRH prepare it for global clearing. However he still sends telexes like this from time to time…

Dearest Captain Miscavige,

Target 2 is absolute paradise and LRH and I pal around all the time. Thanks for sending me!

Your pal forever,


Dear COB: Where’s Mike Rinder?

Mike was declared SP for his for his complete failure to handle the suppressive elements in the UK like this guy. Now my only terminal over there is John Alex Wood who spends more time running dating site scams and making sexual advances toward Monty Python members on social media. Fucking useless…

Dear COB: Where’s Debbie Cook?

Alright enough of this! I am the only management terminal you need to have any attention on! Everyone else is either declared or on an important mission. If I get one more question like this I’ll declare all 10,000 25,000,000 Scientologists en masse!!!

Dear COB: I think it’s absolutely outrageous that “Going Clear” won 3 Emmys this past week! What are we doing about this sir?

Well first off we conducted a thorough investigation of the Emmy voters and found that every one of them was a German psych taking orders directly from the emperor of the planet Marcab! Our next step is to take out full page ads in all of the world’s major newspapers to expose this interstellar conspiracy! The Emmy committee won’t know what hit them when they’re exposed as the treasonous extraterrestrial lizard people that they are!!!

Dear COB: I hear your dad is writing a book. Will we be regaled with fun stories of your childhood sir?

Unfortunately dear old dad has succumbed to advanced dementia and is prone to telling rambling tall tales with absolutely no basis in reality. Any stories about me strangling kittens or hitting preclears are figments of his imagination!

All Scientology Ideal Org Videos To Be Remade In 4K 3D – Emergency Fundraising To Begin Immediately!

empty scientology org

One of the many Scientology orgs that sit empty and lifeless thanks to suppressive poor quality informational videos – credit idleorgs.com

Upon learning that Scientology’s international statistics were plummeting worldwide the ecclesiastical leader of the Scientology religion, Chairman of the Board RTC and Captain of the Sea Org Mr. David Miscavige, leapt into action and quickly assembled a crack team of investigators to get to the bottom of this dire emergency. After all, the future of our beloved religion was at stake!

What COB and his investigative team from International Management discovered has truly rocked the foundations of the Ideal Org program. Their analysis revealed that that lower definition non-3D videos in the org informational centers were to blame. The lower resolution and lack of 3D was causing misduplication of Scientology’s priceless wisdom among all of the raw meat, dead-in-the-head WOGs who walked into the orgs to learn more about the world’s fastest growing religion!

As a result per COB’s orders we are instituting an emergency program to remake all Scientology Ideal Org informational videos in glorious super high-definition 4K 3D just as LRH originally intended. Moreover those who created the original videos in shitty 1080P non-3D format have been declared suppressive and permanently excommunicated from the church. May the author of the universe have mercy on their souls.

This project will cost hundreds of millions of dollars but with the future of our religion and indeed the fate of the entire planet at stake Scientology parishioners have no choice but to dig deep and often to make this go right! But as we all know per Int Management surveys all Scientologists love an exciting fundraiser! Special honor statuses are available to those who make an extraordinary and credit-creaking contribution to this important program. Additionally those whose contributions are so great as to force them to file bankruptcy will be allowed to stay at an Ideal Flophouse free of charge for a limited time.

Mace-Kingsley Advertising Medically Dangerous Scientology Detox For Kids



“I did my Purification Rundown at Mace-Kingsley when I was six years old.”

“Mace-Kingsley’s Purif is hopping with kid in the sauna sweating out toxins and radiation left and right!”

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with these people? What kid is loaded with drug deposits?

10,000th Sea Org Member Beaten in Historic Ceremony

Scientology staff members lined up to give a CICS failure exactly what he deserves!

Int base staff members lined up to give a CICS disgrace exactly what he deserves while COB proudly observes!

Marking a major milestone in the history of the Scientology religion, the 10,000th Sea Org member was beaten today in an historic ceremony at Scientology’s International Base in Hemet, CA. And underscoring the significance and importance of this occasion in the tomes of history was the presence of none other than the leader of the Scientology religion, Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige. After mounting his trusty apple box Mr. Miscavige capably and effectively delivered the first blow to the downstat CICS* while his faithful admirers cheered him on.

Immediately afterward, emboldened and inspired by COB’s powerful display of manliness, the rest of the base’s staff took turns beating the degraded being about the face, torso, testicles and legs. It was a true display of the kind of spontaneous camaraderie and solidarity that you’ll only find in the fastest growing religion on earth.

And while saddened that he could not attend and personally throttle the human waste that had offended his best friend and the leader of leaders, IAS Freedom Medal of Valor winner Mr. Tom Cruise nonetheless listened in by telephone and enthusiastically offered his verbal support.

The offending staff member, who had once again failed COB and thus let down LRH for all eternity, had committed the grievous and unforgivable offense of leaving a stray drop of dried spittle upon one of Mr. Miscavige’s dainty $5000 John Lobb dress shoes while polishing them with his tongue.

After his ecclesiastical beating the CICS staff member was presented with an SP declare and divorce papers so as to spare his wife the humiliation of being married to such a degraded piece of filth. COB then graciously took the ex-staff member’s former wife back to his chambers to help her run out the incident as only a highly trained Class XXV auditor such as him can.

Staff members conveyed rave life-changing wins from participating in this important event:

After I hit that out-ethics trash my space just expanded and I could see the whole of time and space. This must’ve been what it was like for LRH when he had underperformers thrown overboard when he was on the Apollo!

When COB whallopped that piece of shit I felt a delicious quivering in my naughty bits!

This was more fun than that time we put Debbie Cook in a barrel of water! So theta!!!

When I saw them bringing out COB’s apple box I knew shit was about to get real!

Thank God we found out <suppressive trash> was a whole-track Marcabian SP sent here to destroy COB and Scientology!!!

* CICS = Counter intentioned cocksucker – Anyone who disagrees with a COB directive thus jeopardizing the eternity of all mankind.

Attend The ‘Run Your Business The Scientology Way’ Seminar!

Run Your Business The Scientology Way

Business owners – do you want to see your stats and wealth skyrocket? Attend the “Run Your Business The Scientology Way” 2-day seminar hosted by WISE (World Institute of Scientology Enterprises) and learn proven methods to make your business a roaring success! Here are just a few samples of the great business tech and tips you’ll learn at this incredible seminar:

  • Customers with complaints always have hidden crimes – haul them in for expensive interrogations.
  • How to harass and blackmail your competition into bankruptcy.
  • Avoid paying fair wages that cut into your precious profits by declaring your business to be a religion. Now you can hire gullible people as “volunteers” and pay them next to nothing (or even nothing at all if your “scriptures” dictate it as appropriate)!
  • All attendees receive the Church of Scientology’s exclusive list of the most vile, bottom-feeding lawyers who will happily sue your competition into oblivion for the most baseless of reasons.
  • How to create an internal secret police division that will keep your employees productive through intimidation and fear.
  • How paying for employee health insurance and paid sick leave only encourages lazy employees to go PTS and get sick.
  • You’ll learn several ways that any land-based business can replicate LRH’s proven method for improving morale – overboarding!
  • Prohibit all interoffice romance except for yourself and your hot assistant. A hat tip to COB for this one!
  • A pro tip straight from LRH and presently used to great effect by Scientology leader and Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige – when stats are up it’s always due to your wise and effective management and when they’re down it’s always the fault of your incompetent employees.
  • How requiring workers to sign away all constitutional rights will save you a ton of headache down the road.
  • Learn how to use your employees’ most embarrassing secrets to increase productivity and discourage slacking.
  • You’ll do actual Sea Org screaming drills to learn just the right amount of hatred, volume and spittle spray to get your intention across to counter-intentioned employees.
  • Workers with children are a drain on your business. Learn how to persuade them to have abortions (at the expense the government or charitable organizations of course) or put existing children up for adoption. Now they’ll be able to focus on their work 24/7!
  • Enroll your employees on the The Hubbard Course on Computer Technology. At only $9,000 per person it’s a bargain!

Testimonials from previous attendees:

This seminar was so theta! When I get home I’m going to make my employees’ lives a living hell. Thank you LRH!!!

This was a powerful seminar and it enabled me to move up to the next level in douchebag status. And I’m Grant Cardone so that’s really saying something!!!

I had been foolishly treating my staff well and providing them with generous benefits and profit sharing. Now I realize I’ll never get up the bridge that way. Many thanks to WISE for shifting my viewpoint to be more like LRH and COB!!!

I was so impressed by the incredible tech presented at this seminar that I immediately enrolled on The Slappy Miscavige Management Course to further hone my admin skills and take my business to the next level!!!

Sign up now to avail yourself of all this powerful information and gain the tech to send your stats into screaming affluence and your workers into the depths of despair! At only $5000 you can’t afford to pass up this incredible bargain – seating is extremely limited so reserve your ticket now!!!

Ask COB – May 25 2015

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: What’s your opinion of Tony Ortega’s book ‘The Unbreakable Miss Lovely’ which claims to outline a long-running harassment campaign against author Paulette Cooper?

Leave it to tabloid journalist Tony Ortega to dig up the ancient past to try and make a quick buck by defaming the fastest growing religion on earth. I know for a fact that he has only sold 25 copies of his sad excuse for a book (we have spies everywhere) and all of those were to known bitter defrocked apostates!

Yes some mistakes were made in the past by renegade Guardian’s Office operatives including Hubbard’s hussy of a wife. LRH knew nothing of these misdeeds and was truly appalled when he found out what Mary Sue Hubbard was up to. Indeed it was discovered that she secretly hoped to destroy his reputation and take over as source!

Now as far as Paulette Cooper goes she certainly likes to exaggerate as the only actions the church undertook against her were some harmless and lighthearted prank calls, writing her number upon bathroom halls in hopes of finding her an upstat suitor who would distract her from her hysterical hatred of our religion, and stealing some typing paper from her apartment which was ultimately donated to schoolchildren to use for their drawings.

As a matter of fact it was Paulette who broke into the Guardians Office headquarters and planted the fake “Operation Freakout” documents in order to boost the flagging sales of her hate-filled anti-Scientology book “The Scandal of Scientology.” This was not difficult for her as she was a highly trained German spy, personally trained by Adolph Hitler himself!

Dear COB: I recently read a news article that reported you hired private investigators to spy on your father and that you instructed them to let him die when he appeared to be having a heart attack. Is this true sir?

Well first off you’ve been declared suppressive for reading newspapers! You know full well that the only news you’re allowed to read is the quality journalism we kindly provide in International Scientology News, Impact and Freedom magazines.

I had no choice but to keep tabs on dear old dad as he was obviously at risk of going full-blown type 3. What else besides insanity would explain his leaving the tranquil nirvana that is Int Base? And it would have broken my heart to see pop live out the rest of his years in a vegetative state so yes I did say to let him drop his body, exteriorize and go find a fresh body. Besides, frankly he became a bit of a bore these last few years so it’s time for him to move on. And we’ve learned from LRH that families are a MEST illusion – look how shitty he treated his 3 er, 2 wives and 6 kids!

Dear COB: I did my objectives many years ago and got great wins from them. But now the C/S is telling me I need to redo them on the new SRD. Why would I need to redo them when everything was fine sir?

There is a specific technical reason that everyone has to redo their objectives and it comes straight from the upper levels. In reviewing LRH OT materials it was discovered that touching walls and spotting spots is 1000% more effective in our new ideal orgs. Objectives done in old orgs were squirrel due to having been done in downstat surroundings. Also if you don’t do them I’ll have you declared suppressive for defying my executive CSing!

Dear COB: My 5 year old child is becoming increasingly rebellious – refusing sec checks and constantly backflashing. What should I do sir?

Construct a chain locker in your basement, fill it with hungry rats and lock your snotty brat in it for a week. That’s how LRH straightened out little shits on the Apollo!

Mace-Kingsley Will Get Rid Of Your Child’s Monsters!

mace-kingsley monsters 1

mace-kingsley monsters 2

Hear that parents? Rejoice because Mace-Kingsley will now help your child get rid of their monsters (and replace them with new ones). And how will they do this? That’s right – with the power of LRH tech!

And once your precious little ones are freed from their pesky engrams and body thetans Mace-Kingsley will introduce them to their new monsters – Sea Org regges and recruiters who are desperate for fresh young bodies with weak minds to exploit and abuse.

And the wonderful folks at Mace-Kingsley will do all this for just a few thousand dollars. Yay!

Scientology Year One (2015) – The Spaceship Takes Off For Target Two!

scientology new year spaceship

Get ready for Year One in Scientology (that’s 2015 for you downstat wogs). That’s when the spaceship takes off for target two! We’re on our way Ron and we’re bringing a carton of Kools sir!

P.S. Commodore – We’re leaving Kirstie Alley behind – our cargo area can’t hold that much food and she keeps wanting to bring her smelly pack of lemurs.

Church of Scientology Celebrates Banned Books Week

book burning

Scientologists Celebrating Banned Books Week at an Ideal Org Book Burning!

In honor of Banned Books Week (Sept. 21-27) the Church of Scientology has issued its current list of books that it has forbidden all Scientologists to read. Scientology spokesclam Karin Kapow explains:

“Banned Books Week is a wonderful yearly event that celebrates the right of ethical people to forbid the reading of vulgar and dangerous books that can threaten one’s eternity and sanity. All too often these days young minds are being poisoned by psych-created drivel like The Secret, The Power of Positive Thinking and The Power of Now. People must be protected from false data and entheta lest they become PTS and ‘goof the floof’ for all eternity.”

“In celebration of this wonderful week-long event we have compiled the following list of books that no Scientologist may ever read under penalty of expulsion from the Scientology religion. All were written by either bitter defrocked, lying doodoo-head apostates or slimy tabloid reporters guilty of sickening sex crimes and other depraved acts.”

The Unbreakable Miss Lovely by Tony Ortega – Long-time anti-Scientologist and tabloid journalist Tony Ortega has concocted a far-fetched and completely devoid of truth tale of another disgraced “journalist” supposedly being harassed by the completely benevolent and beloved worldwide Church of Scientology.

In truth Paulette Cooper was a Nazi spy working on behalf of German war criminals who sought to destroy L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology while stealing his priceless nuclear research! She was even known to fly to Mars to cavort with Fifth Invader Fleet officers! Following the orders of her suppressive friends she wrote a scandalous piece of trash entitled The Scandal of Scientology that was packed to the hilt with lies and dared to defame the beloved founder of Scientology and greatest friend mankind has ever known! Following its publication she fabricated stories of church operative being out to get her and drive her mad. The factual data is that the church’s only interactions with Ms. Cooper were to surround her with friends that tried to get her into an org so she could clear her misunderstood words and do clay demos of her misdeeds.

And for his part Mr. Ortega has been exposed as an operative working on the behalf of the Illuminati and the Marcab Confederacy! Avoid this vile book at all costs except to burn it on sight!

Blown For Good by Mark Headley – Mr. Headley claims to have worked closely with Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige but in actuality he was a low-level video editor who was fired from Gold for using church resources to produce extremely explicit midget porn. COB wept for days when this book was released, so venomous were its lies and false characterizations of him.

What is Wrong With Scientology by Marty “Ratface Fink” Rathbun – Mr. Rathbun claims to have been a high ranking official in the Church of Scientology but in actuality never rose higher in rank than Sanitation and Janitorial I/C in the Sea Org. He has also falsely claimed to have been Tom Cruise’s auditor. In actual fact Mr. Cruise has the privilege of having only ever been audited by the finest auditor on the planet, Class XVII auditor Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige.

Abuse at the Top by Amy Scobie – Another collection of lies written by someone falsely claiming to have been a former high ranking official in the Church of Scientology. COB has never beat his staff let alone any of his workers!

Counterfeit Dreams by Jefferson Hawkins – Mr. Hawkins claims a long history of working for the Church of Scientology and even has the audacity of claiming to have created the highly successful Dianetics television campaign in the 1980’s. This campaign was in fact conceived and fully executed by Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige who factually had no help from his incompetent CICS staff!

Beyond Belief: My Secret Life Inside Scientology and My Harrowing Escape by Jenna Miscavige Hill – This book is so full of bald-faced lies that we don’t know where to begin. Ms. Hill claims to be Mr. Miscavige’s niece but her story is belied by the fact that Mr. Miscavige is an orphan who was adopted by L. Ron Hubbard. The family photos in the book are all photoshopped fakes.

Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and the Prison of Belief by Lawrence Wright – Mr. Wright claims to be a journalist but in actuality his only job before hashing together this repulsive collection of half-truths and false allegations from bitter defrocked apostates was as a writer of pulp pornography such as “Doggie Style Duchesses With Dildos” and “Cock Gobbling Coochies.”

Inside Scientology: The Story of America’s Most Secretive Religion by Janet Reitman – Yet another collection of fabrications and fantasy from a so-called reporter who until recently was actually a crack smoking prostitute working on Hollywood Blvd.

The Church of Fear: Inside The Weird World of Scientology by John Sweeney – A delusional fantasy from the UK tabloid reporter infamous for screaming at kind-hearted and beloved Scientology spokesperson Tommy Davis. Mr. Sweeney’s pack of lies is to be avoided at all costs!

Let’s Sell These People A Piece of Blue Sky: Hubbard, Dianetics and Scientology by Jon Atack – Mr. Atack was recently declared a Plutonium Degratorious SP with Extreme Dishonors by COB himself. That’s all that really has to be said for this steaming pile of dung.

Bare-Faced Messiah : A Biography of L. Ron Hubbard by Russell Miller – The only true biography of LRH is the L. Ron Hubbard Complete Biographical Encyclopedia (available for $800 from Bridge Publications or $30-40 on eBay). It was compiled by the Church of Scientology so you know it’s 100% factual and accurate. Mr. Miller’s book is nothing but balderdash and poppycock.

If you are a Scientologist who has made the grave error of reading one of these forbidden books your only recourse is to pull out your credit cards and immediately move up in IAS and Ideal Org status. Your eternity depends on it!!!

Note: This post was updated on Sept 1, 2015 to include Tony Ortega’s venomous anti-Scientology trash.