The Church of Scientology is overjoyed to announce that its beloved ecclesiastical leader Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige has found and rescued the church’s top executives who mysteriously went missing several years ago! Church spokesgoon and international director of propaganda Karin Kapouw offered the following details of this incredible story.
“After several years of holding International Management meetings and having Scientology execs not show up COB had grown increasingly concerned. As a matter of fact Mr. Miscavige had been worried sick thinking his beloved junior executives had been kidnapped by the fifth invader fleet or spirited away from the Int Base by U.S. government psychs!”
“Weary of the big not-know mystery sandwich with which he was faced, COB bravely decided to scour every corner of the base in order to get to the bottom of this mystery once and for all. Knowing that SPs literally lurk around every corner he armed himself with his favorite Uzi and summoned his trusty beagle Jelly. Whereupon he set out upon his journey going from building to building in a full-on investigation. When he approached a ramshackle trailer our brave ecclesiastical leader could not have foreseen the horror that awaited within its walls…”
“Upon prying open the sealed door COB discovered his beloved execs living in absolute squalor. They had been living in triple digit temperatures and subsisting on a meager diet of feces, rats and dirty rainwater for years. After freeing them from their hellish office prison the truth slowly emerged. The execs had been imprisoned by that dastardly duo Marty Rathbun and Mike Rinder in a veritable prison they had nicknamed “The Hole” right before they blew staff and were declared SP. COB had absolutely no knowledge of this and was literally flabbergasted! He vowed to use every fair game tactic in the book against Marty and Mike in order to punish their treasonous act and to avenge the suffering of his faithful friends. That night COB treated his long-lost colleagues to a feast of leftover rice and beans before ordering them to undergo extensive sec checks to find out why they pulled this in.”
“Overjoyed at their rescue, the subsequent marvelous feast and at the possibility of receiving much needed interrogations to find their crimes the freed executives heaped praise upon their beloved leader and brave rescuer. Comments such as these could be heard above the laughter and joyous weeping.”
“Our leader has set us free and no matter how we rocket the stats we can never repay our debt to him!”
“We love you Chairman of the Board RTC and Captain of the Sea Org Mr. David Miscavige!”
“Thankfully our leader is exceptionally trim and fit. Old Tubby Hubbard would have passed out at the 3rd building he checked.”
“Praise be to COB, our gentle and loving master who took pity upon us. He is truly the leader of leaders and a theta angel of light!”
Ever humble, COB explained his heroic actions thusly, “Inasmuch as I care not for shameless boasting and macho bravado I cannot in good conscience deny that my liberation of upper Scientology management from “The Hole” is truly as significant an event as when U.S. forces liberated Jews from the concentration camps run by the German psychs and Marcabians.”
An international event will be held in June to commemorate this joyous day and COB reminds all Scientologists that the best way to celebrate is to move up in IAS and Ideal Org status!