Join us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.
Dear COB: Why did you order the Introspection Rundown for Lisa McPherson?
An excellent question! The brilliant reasoning behind my ordering the introspection rundown for Lisa McPherson comes from powerful OT knowledge from far down our future track. Unfortunately this means it’s super confidential. However I can tell you that the main reason I knew this to be a necessary action was the act of Lisa leaving her credit cards by the side of the road when she disrobed after her car accident. There is nothing a Scientologist cherishes more than their credit cards as they are the key to spiritual freedom! A Scientologist would rather abandon their BT-infested children on the side of the road than their precious credit cards. Once I heard this I knew drastic measures had to be taken!
And my plan would have worked if not for the dastardly Paulette Cooper working in concert with German psychs and government-sponsored saboteurs! They managed to sneak past security and terminatedly exteriorize our beloved Lisa with an untraceable poison. And then they had the gall to try and pin it on us – the fastest growing religion in the universe!
Dear COB: What are you getting your beloved wife Shelly for Christmas?
That bitch’s stats are down but I’m giving her a lovely gift nonetheless – one coupon good for getting out of an ecclesiastical beating!
Dear COB: We’re all playing the game of giving LRH ideal orgs for Christmas but I was wondering what you’d like to see under the tree sir?
Dear COB: I was just wondering, what’s your favorite Tom Cruise film sir?
Definitely the wedding night video I secretly recorded of him and Katie. Thankfully the angle I chose for the hidden camera ensured that most of the video is of Tom’s ass. So theta!