One of the many Scientology orgs that sit empty and lifeless thanks to suppressive poor quality informational videos – credit idleorgs.com
Upon learning that Scientology’s international statistics were plummeting worldwide the ecclesiastical leader of the Scientology religion, Chairman of the Board RTC and Captain of the Sea Org Mr. David Miscavige, leapt into action and quickly assembled a crack team of investigators to get to the bottom of this dire emergency. After all, the future of our beloved religion was at stake!
What COB and his investigative team from International Management discovered has truly rocked the foundations of the Ideal Org program. Their analysis revealed that that lower definition non-3D videos in the org informational centers were to blame. The lower resolution and lack of 3D was causing misduplication of Scientology’s priceless wisdom among all of the raw meat, dead-in-the-head WOGs who walked into the orgs to learn more about the world’s fastest growing religion!
As a result per COB’s orders we are instituting an emergency program to remake all Scientology Ideal Org informational videos in glorious super high-definition 4K 3D just as LRH originally intended. Moreover those who created the original videos in shitty 1080P non-3D format have been declared suppressive and permanently excommunicated from the church. May the author of the universe have mercy on their souls.
This project will cost hundreds of millions of dollars but with the future of our religion and indeed the fate of the entire planet at stake Scientology parishioners have no choice but to dig deep and often to make this go right! But as we all know per Int Management surveys all Scientologists love an exciting fundraiser! Special honor statuses are available to those who make an extraordinary and credit-creaking contribution to this important program. Additionally those whose contributions are so great as to force them to file bankruptcy will be allowed to stay at an Ideal Flophouse free of charge for a limited time.
Int base staff members lined up to give a CICS disgrace exactly what he deserves while COB proudly observes!
Marking a major milestone in the history of the Scientology religion, the 10,000th Sea Org member was beaten today in an historic ceremony at Scientology’s International Base in Hemet, CA. And underscoring the significance and importance of this occasion in the tomes of history was the presence of none other than the leader of the Scientology religion, Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige. After mounting his trusty apple box Mr. Miscavige capably and effectively delivered the first blow to the downstat CICS* while his faithful admirers cheered him on.
Immediately afterward, emboldened and inspired by COB’s powerful display of manliness, the rest of the base’s staff took turns beating the degraded being about the face, torso, testicles and legs. It was a true display of the kind of spontaneous camaraderie and solidarity that you’ll only find in the fastest growing religion on earth.
And while saddened that he could not attend and personally throttle the human waste that had offended his best friend and the leader of leaders, IAS Freedom Medal of Valor winner Mr. Tom Cruise nonetheless listened in by telephone and enthusiastically offered his verbal support.
The offending staff member, who had once again failed COB and thus let down LRH for all eternity, had committed the grievous and unforgivable offense of leaving a stray drop of dried spittle upon one of Mr. Miscavige’s dainty $5000 John Lobb dress shoes while polishing them with his tongue.
After his ecclesiastical beating the CICS staff member was presented with an SP declare and divorce papers so as to spare his wife the humiliation of being married to such a degraded piece of filth. COB then graciously took the ex-staff member’s former wife back to his chambers to help her run out the incident as only a highly trained Class XXV auditor such as him can.
Staff members conveyed rave life-changing wins from participating in this important event:
After I hit that out-ethics trash my space just expanded and I could see the whole of time and space. This must’ve been what it was like for LRH when he had underperformers thrown overboard when he was on the Apollo!
When COB whallopped that piece of shit I felt a delicious quivering in my naughty bits!
This was more fun than that time we put Debbie Cook in a barrel of water! So theta!!!
When I saw them bringing out COB’s apple box I knew shit was about to get real!
Thank God we found out <suppressive trash> was a whole-track Marcabian SP sent here to destroy COB and Scientology!!!
* CICS = Counter intentioned cocksucker – Anyone who disagrees with a COB directive thus jeopardizing the eternity of all mankind.
Join us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.
Dear COB: I keep getting pressured to donate money for the new Scientology media center in Los Angeles. I don’t understand the need for this costly new facility when Gold is fully capable of handling all of our multimedia production needs. Can you clear this up for me sir?
First let’s put aside your backflash and CI on donating toward the most important cause in all of the galaxies and universes in totality and eternity! The reason is simple – Gold is now devoted entirely to producing international management events and photoshopping my images to ensure a youthful and theta appearance. Gold staff members are so incompetent and downstat that they can scarcely even handle that! Hence the immediate need for a new multimedia production facility devoted entirely to reaching new dead-in-the-head wog raw meat with hypnotic videos that match the public’s chronically low tone level.
Now about that CI on donating… how dare you question my wisdom you backflashing c**ksucker!!! I’ve contacted your local registrar and if I don’t hear back that you’ve donated at least $100,000 toward this vital new program I’ll personally declare you SP!!!
Dear COB: I recently visited FLAG and the Super Power building was completely empty with no public to be found. What gives sir?
The Super Power building was temporarily closed because some little pussy (now declared) puked all over the motion perception machine and shorted out the electronics. This required a full top-to-bottom cleaning of the entire building and a comprehensive white glove inspection by RTC. Rest assured that the building is now open and public are flooding in from around the world like never before!
Dear COB: I recently learned that HBO is going to air a documentary about Scientology that will no doubt be pure entheta. What should we do to fight back sir?
This is yet another important reason to donate as much as you possibly can toward the huge new Scientology media center we’re building in LA. It will be used in part to fight entheta media companies like HBO which factually was recently bought by a shadowy group of psychs! Their plan is to flood the airwaves with their psych filth designed to key in the public’s whole-track implants.
The calibre of the programming we have lined up so far is of such high quality that our ratings will be straight up and vertical while HBO’s will be completely downstat. There is no doubt that HBO will be bankrupt in 1 years time and Scientology’s cable channel will be #1 in the ratings – I personally guarantee it. After all – who would waste time watching garbage like The Sopranos when Top Gun is on 18 hours every day!
Dear COB: I’m 9 years old and in the 3rd grade. My class is doing Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory for our school play and we need one more person to play an Ooompa Loompa. You’re the right height sir, will you help us out?
Why you vile little…! I’ve just declared your whole family SP! Moreover I’ve dispatched a team of ethics officers to come take all your toys and destroy them in front of you!!!
Psychs refueling an airplane with their airborne poisons!!!
An urgent warning is hereby issued to all Scientologists!!! An investigation by OSA has revealed that in addition to drugging the world’s food and water supplies the psychs are now putting deadly psychiatric drugs into the air via chemtrails! As a result COB has ordered that all Scientologists must complete a new purification rundown every 60 days.
Scientology spokesloon Karin Kapow explains the details behind this latest directive from our beloved and brilliant leader:
“Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige found this report from OSA to be extremely troubling. This dastardly plan is obviously a result of our immense success in building ideal orgs all around the world. The psychs are terrified of world clearing and thus launched this latest initiative to create billions of illegal pcs. We cannot and will not let them win. Scientologists must be extra vigilant in these dire days and the only way to remain biologically pure is to do frequent purifs until further notice from OSA.”
“The massive importance and urgency of this directive was underscored by COB’s use of multiple exclamation points in his comm. To wit: “All of you cocksuckers need to get it through your pie faced heads that psych drugs are now everywhere – in the air, water, food, scotch, cigarettes, electricity, radio waves – everywhere!!!!!!!”
Due to this hill-10 chemtrail chaos flapping flap there has never been a more urgent time to move up in IAS and Ideal Org status!
Under the direct guidance of its ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige, the Church of Scientology announced today that it has launched a new social betterment campaign to combat the growing problem of bullying in schools and in the workplace. Joining the ranks of Narconon and Criminon, Bullynon was created at the behest of Chairman of the Board RTC, Mr. David Miscavige who was greatly distressed to learn of the growing problem of violence in schools and businesses due to bullying.
Church spokesperson Karin Kapouw provided the press with the following details.
Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige, the benevolent and universally beloved leader of Scientology, is a gentle soul who detests physical or emotional abuse in any form. Upon discovering how pervasive bullying was becoming on a planetary scale he became determined to find a way to
exploit it for fundraising quell this growing problem.
Within weeks a pilot program was launched that proved to be so effective that bullies literally cut off their own hands to stop themselves from hitting other children and cut out their own tongues to avoid saying mean things!
Now with the help of the IAS the Church of Scientology is ready to spread this social betterment campaign around the world. All Scientologists are encouraged to move up in IAS status immediately in order to fund this important initiative!
As the Church of Scientology is mankind’s only hope of eradicating psychiatry and protecting against a Fifth Invader Fleet invasion it is exempt from this anti-bullying campaign. We need tough beings who can get the job done and that occasionally involves a good old fashioned face ripping or shoving of heads in toilets. If we were to ban such behavior it would likely weaken Scientology to the point that it could be taken over by theetie-weetie little pie-faced pussies that suck cocks on Hollywood Blvd! Our mission is much too important to let this happen.
The Church of Scientology is the world’s fastest growing religion, largely owing to the fact that the church counts anyone having seen a promotional video or a search engine ad as a full-fledged member. The church recently added 4 billion members with its widely seen Super Bowl commercial and with a flood of public purchasing GAT 2 services and materials it is also the world’s 3rd most profitable corporation. With new churches opening every 5 minutes and a forthcoming ideal org on the moon Scientology’s growth is truly unprecedented. To learn more about this vital and fast-growing world religion visit the church’s official video channel: Surviving Scientology
World’s First Diamond Maximus Meritorious Nobel Prize With Honors!!!
Recognizing that the Church of Scientology has brought lasting peace to multiple troubled regions worldwide with its Way to Happiness campaign, the Nobel Committee has awarded the church’s ecclesiastical leader, Chairman of the Board RTC and Captain of the Sea Org Mr. David Miscavige, with the Nobel Peace Prize!
Nobel Committee spokesman Rolf Lutefisk provided the exciting details behind this most historic and momentous occasion, “When we began investigating recent stunning positive global changes we were frankly a bit astonished to find out the Church of Scientology’s leader was behind them. As a matter of fact Mr. Miscavige’s contributions to world peace and global stability have been so sweeping and of such great significance that we have for the first time in our history awarded a recipient with a Diamond Maximus Meritorious Nobel Prize With Honors!”
Mr Miscavige’s stellar accomplishments which earned him Nobel consideration include:
- Forgoing any and all concern for his own personal safety and travelling to Iran and Syria to personally hand out 50 million Way to Happiness booklets, whereupon both nations declared Scientology their official state religion! Moreover all military and government personnel from both nations immediately reported to the Tel Aviv Ideal Org to start on their Basics. As a result the org immediately went Saint Hill size!!!
- Singlehandedly spearheading the effort that eliminated all crime and drug trafficking in Colombia. Mr. Miscavige personally presented the country’s drug kingpins with limited edition leatherbound Way to Happiness books (hand-signed by Mr. Miscavige). They were so deeply touched by COB’s heartfelt gesture that they immediately abandoned the drug trade, donated all of their ill-gotten funds to Ideal Org campaigns and became Power FSMs, literally flooding the orgs with new public!
- The complete eradication of psychiatry planetwide. Members of the World Psychiatric Association were greatly moved by COB’s recent personal plea to abandon their suppressive technology and instead train as Scientology auditors. Please note that IAS fundraising for anti-psych initiatives will continue unabated in order to ensure there are no backsliders!
Ever humble and shy of the spotlight, Mr Miscavige offered this short statement, “I looked around and saw a deeply troubled world that greatly needed the unique wisdom and effective solutions that no one but I, the world’s only true Scientologist, could provide. Whereupon I had to go it alone since as usual I am surrounded by out-ethics counter-intentioned pie-faced cocksuckers that couldn’t duplicate the tech if it was spoon fed to them by LRH himself!”
Scientology’s explosive growth knows no bounds as membership recently surpassed 4 billion members. Currently the only church on guard against interstellar invaders and psychiatric overlords Scientology has once again shown it is the only world religion of any importance in today’s modern world. Billions of devoted followers look to Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige for insightful answers to every aspect of their lives and none consider they have any greater friend.
The Church of Scientology is overjoyed to announce that its beloved ecclesiastical leader Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige has found and rescued the church’s top executives who mysteriously went missing several years ago! Church spokesgoon and international director of propaganda Karin Kapouw offered the following details of this incredible story.
“After several years of holding International Management meetings and having Scientology execs not show up COB had grown increasingly concerned. As a matter of fact Mr. Miscavige had been worried sick thinking his beloved junior executives had been kidnapped by the fifth invader fleet or spirited away from the Int Base by U.S. government psychs!”
“Weary of the big not-know mystery sandwich with which he was faced, COB bravely decided to scour every corner of the base in order to get to the bottom of this mystery once and for all. Knowing that SPs literally lurk around every corner he armed himself with his favorite Uzi and summoned his trusty beagle Jelly. Whereupon he set out upon his journey going from building to building in a full-on investigation. When he approached a ramshackle trailer our brave ecclesiastical leader could not have foreseen the horror that awaited within its walls…”
Chairman of the Board RTC – Hero and Savior of Lost Executives
“Upon prying open the sealed door COB discovered his beloved execs living in absolute squalor. They had been living in triple digit temperatures and subsisting on a meager diet of feces, rats and dirty rainwater for years. After freeing them from their hellish office prison the truth slowly emerged. The execs had been imprisoned by that dastardly duo Marty Rathbun and Mike Rinder in a veritable prison they had nicknamed “The Hole” right before they blew staff and were declared SP. COB had absolutely no knowledge of this and was literally flabbergasted! He vowed to use every fair game tactic in the book against Marty and Mike in order to punish their treasonous act and to avenge the suffering of his faithful friends. That night COB treated his long-lost colleagues to a feast of leftover rice and beans before ordering them to undergo extensive sec checks to find out why they pulled this in.”
“Overjoyed at their rescue, the subsequent marvelous feast and at the possibility of receiving much needed interrogations to find their crimes the freed executives heaped praise upon their beloved leader and brave rescuer. Comments such as these could be heard above the laughter and joyous weeping.”
“Our leader has set us free and no matter how we rocket the stats we can never repay our debt to him!”
“We love you Chairman of the Board RTC and Captain of the Sea Org Mr. David Miscavige!”
“Thankfully our leader is exceptionally trim and fit. Old Tubby Hubbard would have passed out at the 3rd building he checked.”
“Praise be to COB, our gentle and loving master who took pity upon us. He is truly the leader of leaders and a theta angel of light!”
Ever humble, COB explained his heroic actions thusly, “Inasmuch as I care not for shameless boasting and macho bravado I cannot in good conscience deny that my liberation of upper Scientology management from “The Hole” is truly as significant an event as when U.S. forces liberated Jews from the concentration camps run by the German psychs and Marcabians.”
An international event will be held in June to commemorate this joyous day and COB reminds all Scientologists that the best way to celebrate is to move up in IAS and Ideal Org status!
Oh dear, the internet is so theta now thanks to COB and RTC.
The Church of Scientology is proud to announce the availability of their new computer designed especially for Scientologists.
Church spokesperson Karin Kapouw offered these exciting details, “For too long Scientologists have lived with a deep dread of using the internet as it is a cesspool of entheta and false data. Indeed our beloved leader Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige recently discovered it is in fact the world’s reactive mind! Well thanks to RTC and this wonderful new computer no longer will Scientologists have to worry about seeing entheta and lies about our religion or its beloved ecclesiastical leader online! Bookstore officers are standing by to take your order and all Scientologists are required to own at least 2 computers at the low price of only $4,995.00.”
These powerful computers offer the following theta and eternity-preserving features:
- Your online connections such as Facebook friends are checked against OSA’s database of declared suppressives and any matches are automatically sent a disconnection notice and deleted from your friend lists.
- Desktop displays a new wallpaper each day featuring COB at different Ideal Org grand openings – so theta!
- Desktop media player plays “The Road To Freedom” on a continuous loop to keep you in an uplifted and theta mood whenever you use your computer. Please note that turning down the volume results in a knowledge report to OSA!
- Regular popups helpfully remind you to study your basics or move up in IAS and Ideal Org status. Popups can be configured to appear from every 5 minutes to every 30 minutes depending on personal preferences.
- All online banking accounts are configured to regularly debit appropriate donations (as determined by your income level) to Ideal Org building funds and the IAS.
- Your internet traffic is routed through special Scientology servers in order to ensure you are only exposed to theta sites.
- Special Scientology search engine returns Scientology sites for all searches as Scientology truly offers the answers to every possible question you could ever have.
- All emails and other online communications are monitored for entheta or dangerous thoughts with OSA receiving reports for any positive hits.
- Your computer includes exclusive access to a special online movie account that only plays Tom Cruise films and Battlefield Earth!
- Quick and easy access to “Ask COB” – the Church of Scientology’s most popular advice column!
Rave reviews from dedicated Scientologists continue to roll in!
“I just searched for “effective treatments for cancer” and my computer referred me to the touch assist tech. How cool is that? Google would have just returned something useless from a “medical authority.”
“I love getting all my news from the official Scientology news service. Oh look – yet another country has announced that they are 100% crime free thanks to Scientology. So theta!”
“My grandson was declared for daring to question church finances and as promised he disappeared from my internet completely. It’s as if he doesn’t exist at all anymore. Thank you COB!”
Just think, never again will you ever have to worry about this happening while you surf the web!
“COB’s wife is missing and he’s sleeping with his assistant?!?”
RTC, through the gracious ecclesiastical oversight and guidance of Chairman of the Board RTC and Captain of the Sea Org Reverend David Miscavige, has approved the following Scientology hymns as appropriate to sing at Sunday Services in all Ideal Churches of Scientology.
These hymns comprise the new Ideal Org Hymn Collection which can be purchased for only $499.99.
- How Great Art COB
- Where Would We Be Without COB
- What Child Is This (The Triumphant Return of LRH)
- Thou Who Showers Us With Golden Rain
- Our God is a Short and Merciless God
- Throw Your Troubles in The Hole
- Trust And Obey COB
- There is a Balm in Clearwater
- What a Friend We Have in COB
- Oh Lord Anoint Me on the Oiliness Table
- When We All Get to Target Two
- We Believe in One True Tech
- Close My Eyes, That I May Know (The OT-TR0 Song)
- Onward Sea Org Soldiers
- COB Shall Lead Us To Target Two
- The Old Rugged R6 Implant
- There Is a Table Filled with Oils
- This Is the Day LRH Hath Made
- We’ll Understand It Better By and By as We Clear Our Savior’s Words
Parishioners at non-ideal orgs are not permitted to sing hymns from the Ideal Org Hymn Collection but instead are limited to the following hymns:
- Oh Wretched Are We That Have So Miserably Failed Our Lord and Savior
- Oh Woe Be We Who Suck Cocks On Hollywood Boulevard
- I Will Be Redeemed In The RPF
- Why Must We Always Fail COB
- We Are CICS* In COB’s Saintly Eyes
- A Feast of Beans and Rice
The Church of Scientology is the world’s fastest growing religion and millions of new people show up for our Sunday Services each week. Glowing comments such as these are the order of the day:
I’m not a Scientologist but I thoroughly enjoyed this theta and unenturbulating service. My space is so calm and I shall be joining your fine organization this very day!
I very much enjoyed the sermon and hymns. The passing of a collection plate with a credit card reader was a bit odd though…
What a unique Sunday Service you have! The reading of “confidential” parishioner confessionals was the high point – so enlightening and entertaining!
All are invited to join us each week for an informative LRH or COB sermon, the reading of the week’s most entertaining parishioner confessions and the singing of sacred hymns.
* CICS = Counter-intentioned cocksuckers ( a phrase often used by Scientology’s “ecclesiastical leader“).
Due to the recent proliferation of joking and degrading SPs touring our beautiful ideal orgs only to publicly document that they contain no public and are out of toilet paper Chairman of the Board RTC has instituted new rules for how orgs handle visitors and tours. These rules are to be followed without exception and by order of COB suppressive declares will be issued for all non-compliant staff members – no exceptions!
- No walk-ins allowed. All visits must be scheduled in advance and in complete coordination with OSA. Anyone requesting to enter an ideal org for a visit or tour must file a detailed 12 page application which includes faxing a copy of their government-issued photo ID, social security card, credit report and birth certificate. Once an application is approved and all accompanying documentation is verified by OSA the person may schedule a visit.
- As the exact location of all Scientology ideal orgs must now be kept top-secret a staff member (typically a div-6er) will be sent to pick up all appointments. Visitors must ride in the trunk so they cannot see where they are being driven. Complimentary saltine crackers and bottled water will be provided for the ride.
- All tours begin with a complimentary (meaning mandatory!) sec-check.
- No cameras or recording devices of any kind are allowed in the org.
- As eyes are considered optical recording devices all visitors must wear a black hood so they cannot see the interiors of our beautiful ideal orgs.
- People touring the org may not talk or listen to anyone except the tour operator. Conversations between visitors could contain joking, degrading or eternity-threatening entheta! Additionally all questions to the tour guide must come from our pre-approved list. Some examples:
- Why is Scientology the only religion which offers true salvation?
- Is it true that your beloved leader Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige is an expert in every field?
- I heard that Colombia is now crime-free thanks to Scientology. Will you tell us why your humanitarian campaigns are so effective and praised by millions?
- Every night the entire org will move to an undisclosed location for the purpose of keeping the tech safe from SPs. RTC has received credible threats from psych terrorist groups so this is absolutely necessary in order to safeguard the eternity of our parishioners. Needless to say this will necessitate a new round of fundraising to buy dozens of new buildings for each existing ideal org.
- All orgs must now be surrounded by a moat. The moat must be at least 50 feet deep and is to be filled with alligators, piranha and water moccasins. These can be ordered from OSA Int. and free food can be obtained by putting up signs welcoming the homeless.
- As COB considers non-ideal orgs to be downstat shitholes they are forbidden from allowing any visitors at all. Staff members at these orgs must sit in the dark and contemplate why they became degraded CICS SPs who are trying to stop COB’s plans for expansion.