Join us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.
Dear COB: Why did you order the Introspection Rundown for Lisa McPherson?
An excellent question! The brilliant reasoning behind my ordering the introspection rundown for Lisa McPherson comes from powerful OT knowledge from far down our future track. Unfortunately this means it’s super confidential. However I can tell you that the main reason I knew this to be a necessary action was the act of Lisa leaving her credit cards by the side of the road when she disrobed after her car accident. There is nothing a Scientologist cherishes more than their credit cards as they are the key to spiritual freedom! A Scientologist would rather abandon their BT-infested children on the side of the road than their precious credit cards. Once I heard this I knew drastic measures had to be taken!
And my plan would have worked if not for the dastardly Paulette Cooper working in concert with German psychs and government-sponsored saboteurs! They managed to sneak past security and terminatedly exteriorize our beloved Lisa with an untraceable poison. And then they had the gall to try and pin it on us – the fastest growing religion in the universe!
Dear COB: What are you getting your beloved wife Shelly for Christmas?
That bitch’s stats are down but I’m giving her a lovely gift nonetheless – one coupon good for getting out of an ecclesiastical beating!
Dear COB: We’re all playing the game of giving LRH ideal orgs for Christmas but I was wondering what you’d like to see under the tree sir?
I’d be happy with Mike and Marty‘s heads mounted on top of 2 bottles of 50 year old Macallan single malt scotch. It’d be like Pez for alcoholic sociopaths!
Dear COB: I was just wondering, what’s your favorite Tom Cruise film sir?
Definitely the wedding night video I secretly recorded of him and Katie. Thankfully the angle I chose for the hidden camera ensured that most of the video is of Tom’s ass. So theta!
There are many very good reasons to stay at the Fort Harrison while auditing and training at FLAG. Here are but just a few:
- Clearwater motels are notorious for being infested with fleas, cockroaches and rats. They’re also overrun with prostitutes, drug addicts and other assorted degraded beings.
- Guests of the Fort Harrison enjoy 47% fewer sec-checks during their stay compared to CICS (counter-intentioned cocksuckers) who suppressively deprive our church of much-needed funds by staying at competing hotels or with “friends”. You would do well to remember that no true friend would hurt your church by helping you save money that rightfully belongs to us!
- Food from the Fort Harrison’s restaurants is of much higher quality than anything else you’ll find in Clearwater. As a matter of fact non-Scientology restaurants in Clearwater are well known for allowing workers to urinate and defecate in their patron’s food for the “lulz.”
- At the Fort Harrison you’ll be provided with your own personal registrar who will be by your side 24 hours a day. You’ll enjoy late-night chats and high ARC with your new best friend while flowing money toward future courses, auditing and 4th dynamic campaigns!
- All rooms feature soothing sound conditioners specially engineered to drown out the tortured screams of RPFers in the basement.
- Stay in the luxurious Lisa McPherson suite – named for the beloved Scientologist who was tragically murdered by German government psychiatrists working with Marcabian spies in a diabolical plot to defame our ecclesiastical leader Chairman of the Board Mr. David Miscavige!
- Those staying in the ultra-exclusive $1,000,000 per week penthouse suite have the rare privilege of sharing a bathroom with Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige!!!
- Enjoy quality programming on Fort Harrison’s inhouse cable channel such as recent international events, exciting Dianetics seminars and top quality movies such as Cocktail, Staying Alive and Look Who’s Talking!
- Let’s face it – after a long exhausting day of running around a pole on the Cause Resurgence rundown do you really want to drive across town to a cheap motel surrounded by dangerous homeless people? We didn’t think so.
- No mysterious deaths since 1995!!!