Tag Archives: psychs

St. Louis Is Still A Crime-Free Utopia Thanks To Scientology!

The Ferguson QuikTrip was actually looted and burned by psychs!

The Ferguson QuikTrip was actually looted and burned by psychiatrists!

August 13, 2014 – St. Louis MO USA – The Church of Scientology International issued the following statement today regarding the current scene in St. Louis, MO.

“Contrary to what has been portrayed in the news media of late by the “merchants of chaos”, we in the Church of Scientology want to assure you that St. Louis is still a crime-free utopia thanks to Scientology and the St. Louis Way To Happiness chapter! Reports of a shooting by police sparking rioting, looting and further police brutality are absolutely false. These horrible lies were in fact cooked up by local psychiatrists intent on undoing the good PR Scientology has earned by lowering the crime rate in St. Louis by 100% (per current stats) with our Way To Happiness booklets – just like we recently did for the entire country of Colombia! These wonderful booklets were written by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard and contain life-changing tips that cannot be found anywhere else such as “brush your teeth” and “take an occasional bath.”  This priceless knowledge in the hands of police and criminals alike has resulted in a peaceful theta calm spreading over the city of St. Louis. As you can see in the video we’ve shared below, St. Louis was a backwards cesspool of criminality and depravity before Scientology arrived on the scene with our pamphlets of priceless platitudes and personality tests! The psychs and SPs can’t stand that we have changed things for the better and are going berserk in response!”

“As a result of a thorough OSA Int investigation we discovered that all of the media footage you have seen was the result of homeless criminals and mental patients who were bused in by the psychs from East St. Louis and paid to act out scenes of mayhem and destruction! The psychs also joined in and took part in looting and burning a QuikTrip convenience store to the ground! And if that were not enough the psychs even masqueraded as police officers and brutalized local citizens to further sully Scientology’s stellar crimebusting results! Their evil truly knows no bounds!”

“Thankfully our allies in the federal government understand that this is nothing more than a pathetic attempt to black PR the good name of Scientology and L. Ron Hubbard. As a result they ordered the Federal Aviation Administration to enact a no-fly zone over Ferguson to keep out news helicopters who were merely broadcasting psych-manufactured entheta.”

“To sum up St. Louis is still an island of sanity and completely free of any criminal activity thanks to Scientology and The Way To Happiness!”

“And for any Scientologist reading this know that while these reports are obviously false and made up by hateful psychs we will of course use the resulting fear and hysteria to our benefit by raising funds for the IAS and Ideal Orgs. Additionally, in our ongoing effort to elevate and uplift useless shithole cities with our special brand of “theta”, we are happy to announce our plan to build an Ideal Org in East St. Louis! Things are getting better but they are also getting much worse! We are winning but the situation is dire as well!”

“In short dig deep and move up in status today!”

* The Way To Happiness program is a Scientology fundraising scheme wherein the “church” sells overpriced booklets (printed by in-house facilities by Sea Org slave labor for pennies) to gullible (but well-meaning) Scientologists who then hand them out for free. While technically offering good but unoriginal advice it is not a humanitarian effort by the Church of Scientology – it is just yet another moneymaking scheme and front operation.

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Some Frequently Asked Questions About Scientology – Part 2

scientology big blueWe’re happy to have Church of Scientology spokesbot and minister of propaganda Karen Kapow back at Scientology 411 to answer some more questions about the highly controversial Church of Scientology (see part 1 of this series here).

Some former members have accused your leader of being violent with subordinates. Does David Miscavige beat his staff?

Absolutely not! This is all just a huge misunderstanding that has been totally blown out of proportion. Mr. Miscavige merely offers his staff loving touch assists which are occasionally misinterpreted as being violent. As a matter of fact Mr. Miscavige is so committed to non-violence that he once ran off the road and totaled his expensive sports car to avoid hitting a butterfly.

The “RPF” has been described by defectors as a hellish prison camp not unlike the infamous prisons in North Korea. What exactly is the “RPF”?

“Hellish prison camp?” Oh those silly counter-intentioned cocksuckers and their lies – bless their bitter apostate hearts! Why nothing could be further than the truth, “RPF” actually stands for Rehabilitative Paradise Funtime. It is a therapeutic action for Sea Org members who are in need of a bit of spiritual “polishing.” Lucky participants work for years on fun activities including arts and crafts projects for a minimum of 20 hours a day. Examples include constructing rock walls, running around poles for days, growing fields of flowers for Tom Cruise and building furniture to sell to ideal orgs. It truly is a worker’s paradise.

We would appreciate it if you would refrain from using profanity.

What… cocksucker? That’s a sacred ecclesiastical term in Scientology.

Why is Scientology so opposed to psychiatry?

Because we know the true history of psychiatry! Psychiatrists are whole-track interstellar invaders hellbent on using their unproven pseudoscience for world domination and planetary enslavement. In short we do not like the competition.

There have been numerous reports of Sea Org members being coerced into having abortions. How do you respond to that?

Absolute balderdash! While having children in the Sea Org is discouraged if it happens we consider it a blessed event. Newly expecting mothers are merely issued metal coat hangers to hang up their beautiful new maternity clothes and darning needles to knit booties for baby. Just because a few of them choose to misuse these gifts is not our fault.

Your church has been criticized for using child labor. How do you respond to that?

Well our critics forced us to stop the mandatory abortions so what else are we supposed to do with the little bastards except put them to work? We can’t let them be downstat or they’ll be offloaded to live on the streets. Anyhow they are lucky and proud to work in the service of LRH and COB whether they are using their tiny bodies to clean grease traps, trapping rats for RPFer’s meals or carrying ashtrays for important execs.

Furthermore those children receive a wonderful education with access to the world’s finest library consisting of only beloved LRH titles like “The Chee Chalker” and “Battlefield Earth”. Additionally they take classes that consist of listening to L. Ron Hubbard’s thousands of lectures which is vastly superior to any worthless wog university education. Some even go on to study the LRH Course on Computer Tech where they learn how to program vacuum tube computers like the ones used at NASA!

And one final question that we’ve gotten a lot lately – what the hell is wrong with Kirstie Alley?

Well… I really shouldn’t tell you this but we read celebrity PC folders for fun and intelligence gathering. Anyhow, Kirstie is in heavy restim from a whole track incident where she ate an entire planet. Her guilt from this huge overt is causing her to lash out with hateful nonsensical ramblings. We’re currently trying to lure her into an auditing room for a session at Celebrity Centre by leaving a trail of cakes and pies down Hollywood Blvd.

Thank you for your time Ms. Kapow. We hope to have you back soon for part 3.

You’re quite welcome cocksucker.

Some Frequently Asked Questions About Scientology – Part 1

scientology big blueWe wanted to clear up some misconceptions about the Church of Scientology so we invited church spokesbot and minister of propaganda Karen Kapow to answer some frequently encountered questions about this controversial religion.

Is Scientology a cult?

No it absolutely is not. Cults require you to wear gowns and utter mind-numbing hypnotic phrases repeatedly while giving away all of your money and shunning your family and friends. Scientology on the other hand has no dress code whatsoever.

Some complain that you target ex-members for harassment. Is this true?

Oh good heavens no. We have nothing but empathy and the deepest respect for the filthy degraded cocksucking bitter defrocked apostates that destructively walk away from our wonderful faith and subsequently spread vicious lies about it. And we definitely do not officially condone actions like killing their pets, sending fake death threats in their name, going through their trash for embarrassing blackmail material, sending sex toys to their place of work, mailing them child pornography while tipping off the authorities, harassing them loudly outside their homes or defaming them on hate websites. If that sort of thing were to occur we would have no official connection to it.

Why are Scientology services so expensive?

As we are the guardians of the only workable mental technology in the universe we must employ an army of expensive lawyers to protect it from suppressive governments, rival corporations, alien invaders and the evil psychs. That unfortunately costs a great deal of money.

Additionally we fund a great many social betterment programs with parishioner donations such as the Citizen’s Commission to Eradicate Medical Science and the youth-oriented Drop Out of Worthless Wog Schools And Get A Real Education In The Sea Org program to name just a few.

If you have no money can you participate in Scientology?

Certainly! Poor people (or downstat degraded beings as we refer to them in Scientology) can partake of the many services that are offered for free in churches of Scientology. For instance they can get free auditing (Scientology counseling services) like the “Lick the bathroom floor clean rundown” or the Make that commode shine with this toothbrush rundown.” These are offered in the Free Scientology Center available in every org.

Poor people can also join the Sea Org and get their auditing and training for free while earning a generous salary of up to $2.00 per day!

Are homosexuals welcome in Scientology?

They most certainly are as long as they publicly denounce and subsequently abandon their 1.1 wicked ways. Once they’ve done that we can cure their affliction with our wondrous technology.

Why is Scientology so obsessed with masturbation?

We have found that masturbation greatly weakens the hand used to give your credit cards to Scientology registrars (sales people). When the process of handing your credit card to the reg is slowed down it allows for extra time to think about the transaction and back out of buying your next service. So you see we don’t care about your sexual habits, just your money.

You’ve recently come under fire for multiple mysterious deaths at your Narconon drug rehab facilities. Can you explain what’s going on with that?

Narconon has nothing whatsoever to do with Scientology. See this site for details on the true story about this rogue group of suppressives.

Why do Sea Org staff sign billion year contracts?

Because at our current rate of expansion that’s how long it will take to clear Earth.

Respected Scientology critic Jeffrey Augustine recently opined on his highly popular Surviving Scientology podcast that “They (Scientology) will literally suck the bone marrow out of your bones.” How do you respond to that?

If by “bones” he means your mind and by “bone marrow” the mental sorrow and heartache that afflicts mankind then yes he is correct.

Who is “Xenu”

No idea, I’ve never heard of that intergalactic warlord.

Nobel Peace Prize Awarded To Scientology Leader

World’s First Diamond Maximus Meritorious Nobel Prize With Honors!!!

COB nobel peace prizeRecognizing that the Church of Scientology has brought lasting peace to multiple troubled regions worldwide with its Way to Happiness campaign, the Nobel Committee has awarded the church’s ecclesiastical leader, Chairman of the Board RTC and Captain of the Sea Org Mr. David Miscavige, with the Nobel Peace Prize!

Nobel Committee spokesman Rolf Lutefisk provided the exciting details behind this most historic and momentous occasion, “When we began investigating recent stunning positive global changes we were frankly a bit astonished to find out the Church of Scientology’s leader was behind them. As a matter of fact Mr. Miscavige’s contributions to world peace and global stability have been so sweeping and of such great significance that we have for the first time in our history awarded a recipient with a Diamond Maximus Meritorious Nobel Prize With Honors!”

Mr Miscavige’s stellar accomplishments which earned him Nobel consideration include:

  • Forgoing any and all concern for his own personal safety and travelling to Iran and Syria to personally hand out 50 million Way to Happiness booklets, whereupon both nations declared Scientology their official state religion! Moreover all military and government personnel from both nations immediately reported to the Tel Aviv Ideal Org to start on their Basics. As a result the org immediately went Saint Hill size!!!
  • Singlehandedly spearheading the effort that eliminated all crime and drug trafficking in Colombia. Mr. Miscavige personally presented the country’s drug kingpins with limited edition leatherbound Way to Happiness books (hand-signed by Mr. Miscavige). They were so deeply touched by COB’s heartfelt gesture that they immediately abandoned the drug trade, donated all of their ill-gotten funds to Ideal Org campaigns and became Power FSMs, literally flooding the orgs with new public!
  • The complete eradication of psychiatry planetwide. Members of the World Psychiatric Association were greatly moved by COB’s recent personal plea to abandon their suppressive technology and instead train as Scientology auditors. Please note that IAS fundraising for anti-psych initiatives will continue unabated in order to ensure there are no backsliders!

Ever humble and shy of the spotlight, Mr Miscavige offered this short statement, “I looked around and saw a deeply troubled world that greatly needed the unique wisdom and effective solutions that no one but I, the world’s only true Scientologist, could provide. Whereupon I had to go it alone since as usual I am surrounded by out-ethics counter-intentioned pie-faced cocksuckers that couldn’t duplicate the tech if it was spoon fed to them by LRH himself!”

Scientology’s explosive growth knows no bounds as membership recently surpassed 4 billion members. Currently the only church on guard against interstellar invaders and psychiatric overlords Scientology has once again shown it is the only world religion of any importance in today’s modern world. Billions of devoted followers look to Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige for insightful answers to every aspect of their lives and none consider they have any greater friend.