Tag Archives: ideal orgs

A Hymn of Scientology Expansion

This was inspired by John Alex Wood’s latest bit of nonsense on Twitter…

John Alex Wood Scientology Tweet

Sung to the tune of Jesus Loves Me:

We’re expanding this I know
For Miscavige tells me so
All orgs will be Saint Hill size
Critics’ mouths are filled with lies

Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Miscavige tells me so

Ideal orgs will do a treat
Flood our cult with fresh raw meat
Anyone who disagrees
I must disconnect from thee

Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Miscavige tells me so

Stats that reach toward the sky
A cleared planet is surely nigh
A wink and twinkle in his eye
COB would never lie

Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Cuz Slappy tells me so

No one’s coming in our orgs
They all laugh and say we’re Borg
Little man upon a stage
Masks his shame with slaps of rage

Rev Slappy Miscavige

The Pied Piper of Hemet – Rev. Slappy Miscavige

 

All Scientology Ideal Org Videos To Be Remade In 4K 3D – Emergency Fundraising To Begin Immediately!

empty scientology org

One of the many Scientology orgs that sit empty and lifeless thanks to suppressive poor quality informational videos – credit idleorgs.com

Upon learning that Scientology’s international statistics were plummeting worldwide the ecclesiastical leader of the Scientology religion, Chairman of the Board RTC and Captain of the Sea Org Mr. David Miscavige, leapt into action and quickly assembled a crack team of investigators to get to the bottom of this dire emergency. After all, the future of our beloved religion was at stake!

What COB and his investigative team from International Management discovered has truly rocked the foundations of the Ideal Org program. Their analysis revealed that that lower definition non-3D videos in the org informational centers were to blame. The lower resolution and lack of 3D was causing misduplication of Scientology’s priceless wisdom among all of the raw meat, dead-in-the-head WOGs who walked into the orgs to learn more about the world’s fastest growing religion!

As a result per COB’s orders we are instituting an emergency program to remake all Scientology Ideal Org informational videos in glorious super high-definition 4K 3D just as LRH originally intended. Moreover those who created the original videos in shitty 1080P non-3D format have been declared suppressive and permanently excommunicated from the church. May the author of the universe have mercy on their souls.

This project will cost hundreds of millions of dollars but with the future of our religion and indeed the fate of the entire planet at stake Scientology parishioners have no choice but to dig deep and often to make this go right! But as we all know per Int Management surveys all Scientologists love an exciting fundraiser! Special honor statuses are available to those who make an extraordinary and credit-creaking contribution to this important program. Additionally those whose contributions are so great as to force them to file bankruptcy will be allowed to stay at an Ideal Flophouse free of charge for a limited time.

Scientology Media Productions Announces Upcoming Programming!

satellite-dish

Scientology Media Productions is proud to announce its exciting upcoming programming lineup! As you know  we have been fundraising for this facility for quite some time and thanks to our generous donors we now have our multimillion dollar state-of-the-art satellite dish! This will enable us to broadcast to the billions right here from beautiful downtown Burbank!

And in commemoration of this momentous event we are also thrilled to announce that we will be rebranding Scientology Media Productions as Scientology Media Enhancing Reality thru Services & Hatting (or SMERSH for short). And now without further ado here are some of the exciting theta shows you’ll be able to watch soon.

  • Cosmology –  Learn the TRUE data about the origins of our universe – such as how Earth was populated by the Marcabians and how the Fifth Invader Fleet still threatens us today. Neil deGrasse Tyson and the producers of Cosmos are frauds as they ignored the vast contributions LRH made to the field of astrophysics and exploring our time track.
  • Incognito Boss – COB visits failing Class V orgs in disguise and beats up under-performing CICS staff members.
  • Tom Cruise’s Next Bride – Hosted by none other than Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige! Tom Cruise is lonely and once again only his pals from the Church of Scientology can help him find a new gal. And they’ve got their work cut out for them because not only must she be knockout gorgeous, she has to also be free of all body thetans and counter-intention. But not to worry, Tom’s best buddy COB RTC Mr. David “Slappy” Miscavige is on the job!
  • Freedom Magazine – All of your favorite news stories from the hard-hitting journalists at Freedom Magazine including:
    • Who is Marty Rathbun and How He Caused The Holocaust!
    • Alex Gibney – Documentary Producer or Marcabian Assassin?
    • Chemtrails – Harmless Condensation or Evil Psych Plot?
  • Celebrity Confessionals – Direct from COB’s vast video vault the most lurid misdeeds of your favorite Scientology celebrities! Guaranteed to be spicy!
  • Real Housewives of Int Base – You saw them on Anderson Cooper and now you’ll get an inside look at the glamorous lives of these royal ladies of Scientology’s international headquarters!
  • RPF Rascals – Kids in Scientology’s cadet org getting into all sorts of hilarious hijinks! But that pesky ethics officer is always watching!
  • YSCOHB: Scientology After Dark – Scientology’s hottest staff members doing what they do best after hours – you’ve never seen dissem drills or touch assists like this before!
  • Breaking News from COB Central. Programming will consist of ideal org expansion news, COB’s breakthrough accomplishments, and other such exciting news programming.
  • Ideal Org Events – Exclusive videos of all ideal org events which per surveys are the finest entertainment that can be experienced!
  • Dianetics infomercial broadcast 12 hours per day!
  • Top Gun broadcast every day!

So donate everything you can in our latest round of fundraising (so we can buy the millions of dollars of cabling to hook to our satellite dish) and get ready for the most theta TV you’ve ever seen!

Race For LRH’s Birthday!!!

2015 Scientology birthday game

Hey folks, are you ready to play the Ideal Org game?!? After all it’s only money and old Tubby Hubbard’s cakes don’t come cheap!

And gosh, look what the winning org gets. An acknowledgement party put on by none other than those wild and crazy cats at CLO WUS*! You know what they say – ain’t no party like a CLO WUS party!!!!!

* Continental Liason Organization Western U.S.

Become a Tool for Life at the Young Scientologists’ Convention!

young scientologist's convention

Hey kids, how would you like to move up in status as a Scientologist by becoming a “tool” for life? Well now you can at the Young Scientologists’ Tools For Life Convention aboard the Freewinds!

Here are just a few of the exciting things you’ll learn!

  • Special techniques to effectively overcome your friends’ resistance to joining Scientology – the super rad and fastest growing religion in the galaxy
  • How to disconnect from downstat friends without becoming misemotional or becoming enturbulated
  • How to safely avoid internet entheta and suppressive hate sites
  • How bullying can actually prepare you for a fulfilling career in the Sea Org
  • Effectively reporting on your family members and friends to your org’s ethics officer (includes free “iSnitch” iPhone app)
  • Advanced fundraising techniques you can use to raise money for your Ideal Org and the IAS

And that’s not all! In addition to all of the seminars and workshops there are plenty of fun activities to enjoy!

  • Deck swabbing
  • Bilge cleaning
  • Camp-outs in the ship’s chain locker
  • Fun-filled interviews with Sea Org recruiters
  • Excursions to beautiful islands to hand out free personality tests and sell Dianetics books*
  • Spend a fun-filled day in the RPF!
  • Watch an informative 4 hour video briefing from COB!!!
  • An all day Tom Cruise film festival
  • Attend an exclusive IAS briefing where you’ll learn how our new global media center is going to boom Scientology like never before!
  • Listen to a recently discovered LRH lecture where you’ll learn the powerful whole-track technique for writing awesome popular music that LRH used on the multi-platinum and Grammy winning “Road to Freedom”!!!

So join us this January on the Freewinds – it’ll be so theta!!!!

Legal disclaimers:

*Diving photo not representative of actual convention activity.

*Failure to meet sales quota will result in being overboarded.

*Bonus camera workshop only available to those who make their Dianetics book sales quota.

Church of Scientology Announces Major Change To Ideal Org Strategy

Future Scientology Ideal Flophouse

Future Scientology Ideal Flophouse

The Church of Scientology announced a major change today to its roaringly successful Ideal Org program. Scientology spokesfibber and propaganda specialist Karin Kapow provided the following statement to the press:

“As a result of numerous recent bankruptcies and the resultant widespread homelessness among Ideal Org and IAS supporters Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige felt compelled to step in and find a compassionate solution for the downstat CICS among his flock.”

Ideal Flophouse apartment

A luxurious Ideal Flophouse apartment glistening with theta!

“All Ideal Org buildings will be converted to Ideal Flophouses so destitute Scientologists have an economical place in which to live and get their ethics in for letting down COB by not making it go right and going broke. Now take note, these are not rent-free poorhouses as we despise those who live “on the dole.” All Scientologists partaking of COB’s magnanimous generosity will be required to pay a reasonable fee for monthly rent – after all these are His buildings paid for with His funds! Moreover they will also be required to keep the buildings clean enough to pass weekly white glove inspections which will be conducted by Sea Org personnel.”

“And for those wondering about the wisdom of this move in light of the original stated purpose for these orgs COB has dictated that all public (existing and yet to discover Scientology) will be serviced by the recently reorganized LA Org!”

“Rest assured that LA Org, in the capable hands of its new crack Sea Org command team, is completely ready to service the 10s and perhaps 100s of new public that were going to be flooding into the new Ideal Orgs! Scientology’s 47x expansion will continue unabated!”

COB Issues New Purification Rundown Guidelines

chemtrail juice

Psychs refueling an airplane with their airborne poisons!!!

An urgent warning is hereby issued to all Scientologists!!! An investigation by OSA has revealed that in addition to drugging the world’s food and water supplies the psychs are now putting deadly psychiatric drugs into the air via chemtrails! As a result COB has ordered that all Scientologists must complete a new purification rundown every 60 days.

Scientology spokesloon Karin Kapow explains the details behind this latest directive from our beloved and brilliant leader:

“Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige found this report from OSA to be extremely troubling. This dastardly plan is obviously a result of our immense success in building ideal orgs all around the world. The psychs are terrified of world clearing and thus launched this latest initiative to create billions of illegal pcs. We cannot and will not let them win. Scientologists must be extra vigilant in these dire days and the only way to remain biologically pure is to do frequent purifs until further notice from OSA.”

“The massive importance and urgency of this directive was underscored by COB’s use of multiple exclamation points in his comm. To wit: “All of you cocksuckers need to get it through your pie faced heads that psych drugs are now everywhere – in the air, water, food, scotch, cigarettes, electricity, radio waves – everywhere!!!!!!!”

Due to this hill-10 chemtrail chaos flapping flap there has never been a more urgent time to move up in IAS and Ideal Org status!

St. Louis Is Still A Crime-Free Utopia Thanks To Scientology!

The Ferguson QuikTrip was actually looted and burned by psychs!

The Ferguson QuikTrip was actually looted and burned by psychiatrists!

August 13, 2014 – St. Louis MO USA – The Church of Scientology International issued the following statement today regarding the current scene in St. Louis, MO.

“Contrary to what has been portrayed in the news media of late by the “merchants of chaos”, we in the Church of Scientology want to assure you that St. Louis is still a crime-free utopia thanks to Scientology and the St. Louis Way To Happiness chapter! Reports of a shooting by police sparking rioting, looting and further police brutality are absolutely false. These horrible lies were in fact cooked up by local psychiatrists intent on undoing the good PR Scientology has earned by lowering the crime rate in St. Louis by 100% (per current stats) with our Way To Happiness booklets – just like we recently did for the entire country of Colombia! These wonderful booklets were written by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard and contain life-changing tips that cannot be found anywhere else such as “brush your teeth” and “take an occasional bath.”  This priceless knowledge in the hands of police and criminals alike has resulted in a peaceful theta calm spreading over the city of St. Louis. As you can see in the video we’ve shared below, St. Louis was a backwards cesspool of criminality and depravity before Scientology arrived on the scene with our pamphlets of priceless platitudes and personality tests! The psychs and SPs can’t stand that we have changed things for the better and are going berserk in response!”

“As a result of a thorough OSA Int investigation we discovered that all of the media footage you have seen was the result of homeless criminals and mental patients who were bused in by the psychs from East St. Louis and paid to act out scenes of mayhem and destruction! The psychs also joined in and took part in looting and burning a QuikTrip convenience store to the ground! And if that were not enough the psychs even masqueraded as police officers and brutalized local citizens to further sully Scientology’s stellar crimebusting results! Their evil truly knows no bounds!”

“Thankfully our allies in the federal government understand that this is nothing more than a pathetic attempt to black PR the good name of Scientology and L. Ron Hubbard. As a result they ordered the Federal Aviation Administration to enact a no-fly zone over Ferguson to keep out news helicopters who were merely broadcasting psych-manufactured entheta.”

“To sum up St. Louis is still an island of sanity and completely free of any criminal activity thanks to Scientology and The Way To Happiness!”

“And for any Scientologist reading this know that while these reports are obviously false and made up by hateful psychs we will of course use the resulting fear and hysteria to our benefit by raising funds for the IAS and Ideal Orgs. Additionally, in our ongoing effort to elevate and uplift useless shithole cities with our special brand of “theta”, we are happy to announce our plan to build an Ideal Org in East St. Louis! Things are getting better but they are also getting much worse! We are winning but the situation is dire as well!”

“In short dig deep and move up in status today!”

* The Way To Happiness program is a Scientology fundraising scheme wherein the “church” sells overpriced booklets (printed by in-house facilities by Sea Org slave labor for pennies) to gullible (but well-meaning) Scientologists who then hand them out for free. While technically offering good but unoriginal advice it is not a humanitarian effort by the Church of Scientology – it is just yet another moneymaking scheme and front operation.

Some Frequently Asked Questions About Scientology – Part 2

scientology big blueWe’re happy to have Church of Scientology spokesbot and minister of propaganda Karen Kapow back at Scientology 411 to answer some more questions about the highly controversial Church of Scientology (see part 1 of this series here).

Some former members have accused your leader of being violent with subordinates. Does David Miscavige beat his staff?

Absolutely not! This is all just a huge misunderstanding that has been totally blown out of proportion. Mr. Miscavige merely offers his staff loving touch assists which are occasionally misinterpreted as being violent. As a matter of fact Mr. Miscavige is so committed to non-violence that he once ran off the road and totaled his expensive sports car to avoid hitting a butterfly.

The “RPF” has been described by defectors as a hellish prison camp not unlike the infamous prisons in North Korea. What exactly is the “RPF”?

“Hellish prison camp?” Oh those silly counter-intentioned cocksuckers and their lies – bless their bitter apostate hearts! Why nothing could be further than the truth, “RPF” actually stands for Rehabilitative Paradise Funtime. It is a therapeutic action for Sea Org members who are in need of a bit of spiritual “polishing.” Lucky participants work for years on fun activities including arts and crafts projects for a minimum of 20 hours a day. Examples include constructing rock walls, running around poles for days, growing fields of flowers for Tom Cruise and building furniture to sell to ideal orgs. It truly is a worker’s paradise.

We would appreciate it if you would refrain from using profanity.

What… cocksucker? That’s a sacred ecclesiastical term in Scientology.

Why is Scientology so opposed to psychiatry?

Because we know the true history of psychiatry! Psychiatrists are whole-track interstellar invaders hellbent on using their unproven pseudoscience for world domination and planetary enslavement. In short we do not like the competition.

There have been numerous reports of Sea Org members being coerced into having abortions. How do you respond to that?

Absolute balderdash! While having children in the Sea Org is discouraged if it happens we consider it a blessed event. Newly expecting mothers are merely issued metal coat hangers to hang up their beautiful new maternity clothes and darning needles to knit booties for baby. Just because a few of them choose to misuse these gifts is not our fault.

Your church has been criticized for using child labor. How do you respond to that?

Well our critics forced us to stop the mandatory abortions so what else are we supposed to do with the little bastards except put them to work? We can’t let them be downstat or they’ll be offloaded to live on the streets. Anyhow they are lucky and proud to work in the service of LRH and COB whether they are using their tiny bodies to clean grease traps, trapping rats for RPFer’s meals or carrying ashtrays for important execs.

Furthermore those children receive a wonderful education with access to the world’s finest library consisting of only beloved LRH titles like “The Chee Chalker” and “Battlefield Earth”. Additionally they take classes that consist of listening to L. Ron Hubbard’s thousands of lectures which is vastly superior to any worthless wog university education. Some even go on to study the LRH Course on Computer Tech where they learn how to program vacuum tube computers like the ones used at NASA!

And one final question that we’ve gotten a lot lately – what the hell is wrong with Kirstie Alley?

Well… I really shouldn’t tell you this but we read celebrity PC folders for fun and intelligence gathering. Anyhow, Kirstie is in heavy restim from a whole track incident where she ate an entire planet. Her guilt from this huge overt is causing her to lash out with hateful nonsensical ramblings. We’re currently trying to lure her into an auditing room for a session at Celebrity Centre by leaving a trail of cakes and pies down Hollywood Blvd.

Thank you for your time Ms. Kapow. We hope to have you back soon for part 3.

You’re quite welcome cocksucker.

MC Applebox (aka DJ COB) Drops The Mad Rhymes Yo!

DJ COB

MC Applebox (aka DJ COB) focusing his TRz!

The Church of Scientology is proud to announce that MC Applebox (aka DJ COB) has dropped the following “dope” melody and “mad” rhyme for you to use at your next Ideal Org fundraiser!!!

This brilliantly rousing rap is guaranteed to fire up your public and get them donating like mad toward their next Ideal Org status!!!

It was inspired when Chairman of the Board RTC was researching urban rap and hiphop and discovered the rap artist Vanilla Ice. Mr. Miscavige explains, “His hard-edged lyrics and authentic street cred impressed me greatly as I also live “To the Extreme.” This inspired me to create my own rap based on his “dope” melody.”

Don’t forget that the best way to give our beloved COB “mad props” for this incredibly “dope” rhyme is to move up in status!!!

(Sung to the tune of Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice)

Yo COB let’s kick it!

Ideal Orgs baby, Ideal Orgs baby

Alright stop, collaborate and listen
COB has a brand new invention
The reason that our orgs fail daily
Ain’t a flaw in the tech, it’s that they ain’t built splendidly
Will our failure stop? Yo – I got a plan
Provided by my motherfucking second in command
My boy Tom said expensive assed buildings
Will bring in rich public, so yo I’m all in

If there’s a money flap, yo, I’ll fix it
I’ll dig up some “new” tech to sell to you dimwits

Ideal Orgs baby, Ideal Orgs baby
Ideal Orgs baby, Ideal Orgs baby

Now the fundraiser is jumping
With my trance inducing voice, donaters are bankruptin’
Quick to the credit card machine no slacking
I’m racking up dollars like an IRS tax man

Rollin’ in my bulletproof van
Gotta have protection cuz I’m an important man
Saw a bad accident, someone might die
Did you stop? Naw, I just drove by
Cuz I wuz on the way to fundraise
And they wuz just a PTS wog anyway

Found behind an old commode
The long-lost tech we’ve all been looking fo’
Will the auditing be free since we already did it?
Fuck no fool! This shit’s my golden ticket
Y’all motherfuckers get to pay again
Golden Age of Tech 3 – the changes don’t ever end!

If there’s a money flap, yo, I’ll fix it
Check out my “new” tech you hypnotized dipshits

Ideal Orgs baby, Ideal Orgs baby
Ideal Orgs baby, Ideal Orgs baby

Word to your disconnected mother…