August 13, 2014 – St. Louis MO USA – The Church of Scientology International issued the following statement today regarding the current scene in St. Louis, MO.
“Contrary to what has been portrayed in the news media of late by the “merchants of chaos”, we in the Church of Scientology want to assure you that St. Louis is still a crime-free utopia thanks to Scientology and the St. Louis Way To Happiness chapter! Reports of a shooting by police sparking rioting, looting and further police brutality are absolutely false. These horrible lies were in fact cooked up by local psychiatrists intent on undoing the good PR Scientology has earned by lowering the crime rate in St. Louis by 100% (per current stats) with our Way To Happiness booklets – just like we recently did for the entire country of Colombia! These wonderful booklets were written by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard and contain life-changing tips that cannot be found anywhere else such as “brush your teeth” and “take an occasional bath.” This priceless knowledge in the hands of police and criminals alike has resulted in a peaceful theta calm spreading over the city of St. Louis. As you can see in the video we’ve shared below, St. Louis was a backwards cesspool of criminality and depravity before Scientology arrived on the scene with our pamphlets of priceless platitudes and personality tests! The psychs and SPs can’t stand that we have changed things for the better and are going berserk in response!”
“As a result of a thorough OSA Int investigation we discovered that all of the media footage you have seen was the result of homeless criminals and mental patients who were bused in by the psychs from East St. Louis and paid to act out scenes of mayhem and destruction! The psychs also joined in and took part in looting and burning a QuikTrip convenience store to the ground! And if that were not enough the psychs even masqueraded as police officers and brutalized local citizens to further sully Scientology’s stellar crimebusting results! Their evil truly knows no bounds!”
“Thankfully our allies in the federal government understand that this is nothing more than a pathetic attempt to black PR the good name of Scientology and L. Ron Hubbard. As a result they ordered the Federal Aviation Administration to enact a no-fly zone over Ferguson to keep out news helicopters who were merely broadcasting psych-manufactured entheta.”
“To sum up St. Louis is still an island of sanity and completely free of any criminal activity thanks to Scientology and The Way To Happiness!”
“And for any Scientologist reading this know that while these reports are obviously false and made up by hateful psychs we will of course use the resulting fear and hysteria to our benefit by raising funds for the IAS and Ideal Orgs. Additionally, in our ongoing effort to elevate and uplift useless shithole cities with our special brand of “theta”, we are happy to announce our plan to build an Ideal Org in East St. Louis! Things are getting better but they are also getting much worse! We are winning but the situation is dire as well!”
“In short dig deep and move up in status today!”
* The Way To Happiness program is a Scientology fundraising scheme wherein the “church” sells overpriced booklets (printed by in-house facilities by Sea Org slave labor for pennies) to gullible (but well-meaning) Scientologists who then hand them out for free. While technically offering good but unoriginal advice it is not a humanitarian effort by the Church of Scientology – it is just yet another moneymaking scheme and front operation.