Hey kids, how would you like to move up in status as a Scientologist by becoming a “tool” for life? Well now you can at the Young Scientologists’ Tools For Life Convention aboard the Freewinds!
Here are just a few of the exciting things you’ll learn!
- Special techniques to effectively overcome your friends’ resistance to joining Scientology – the super rad and fastest growing religion in the galaxy
- How to disconnect from downstat friends without becoming misemotional or becoming enturbulated
- How to safely avoid internet entheta and suppressive hate sites
- How bullying can actually prepare you for a fulfilling career in the Sea Org
- Effectively reporting on your family members and friends to your org’s ethics officer (includes free “iSnitch” iPhone app)
- Advanced fundraising techniques you can use to raise money for your Ideal Org and the IAS
And that’s not all! In addition to all of the seminars and workshops there are plenty of fun activities to enjoy!
- Deck swabbing
- Bilge cleaning
- Camp-outs in the ship’s chain locker
- Fun-filled interviews with Sea Org recruiters
- Excursions to beautiful islands to hand out free personality tests and sell Dianetics books*
- Spend a fun-filled day in the RPF!
- Watch an informative 4 hour video briefing from COB!!!
- An all day Tom Cruise film festival
- Attend an exclusive IAS briefing where you’ll learn how our new global media center is going to boom Scientology like never before!
- Listen to a recently discovered LRH lecture where you’ll learn the powerful whole-track technique for writing awesome popular music that LRH used on the multi-platinum and Grammy winning “Road to Freedom”!!!
So join us this January on the Freewinds – it’ll be so theta!!!!
*Diving photo not representative of actual convention activity.
*Failure to meet sales quota will result in being overboarded.
*Bonus camera workshop only available to those who make their Dianetics book sales quota.
Psychs refueling an airplane with their airborne poisons!!!
An urgent warning is hereby issued to all Scientologists!!! An investigation by OSA has revealed that in addition to drugging the world’s food and water supplies the psychs are now putting deadly psychiatric drugs into the air via chemtrails! As a result COB has ordered that all Scientologists must complete a new purification rundown every 60 days.
Scientology spokesloon Karin Kapow explains the details behind this latest directive from our beloved and brilliant leader:
“Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige found this report from OSA to be extremely troubling. This dastardly plan is obviously a result of our immense success in building ideal orgs all around the world. The psychs are terrified of world clearing and thus launched this latest initiative to create billions of illegal pcs. We cannot and will not let them win. Scientologists must be extra vigilant in these dire days and the only way to remain biologically pure is to do frequent purifs until further notice from OSA.”
“The massive importance and urgency of this directive was underscored by COB’s use of multiple exclamation points in his comm. To wit: “All of you cocksuckers need to get it through your pie faced heads that psych drugs are now everywhere – in the air, water, food, scotch, cigarettes, electricity, radio waves – everywhere!!!!!!!”
Due to this hill-10 chemtrail chaos flapping flap there has never been a more urgent time to move up in IAS and Ideal Org status!
The Ferguson QuikTrip was actually looted and burned by psychiatrists!
August 13, 2014 – St. Louis MO USA – The Church of Scientology International issued the following statement today regarding the current scene in St. Louis, MO.
“Contrary to what has been portrayed in the news media of late by the “merchants of chaos”, we in the Church of Scientology want to assure you that St. Louis is still a crime-free utopia thanks to Scientology and the St. Louis Way To Happiness chapter! Reports of a shooting by police sparking rioting, looting and further police brutality are absolutely false. These horrible lies were in fact cooked up by local psychiatrists intent on undoing the good PR Scientology has earned by lowering the crime rate in St. Louis by 100% (per current stats) with our Way To Happiness booklets – just like we recently did for the entire country of Colombia! These wonderful booklets were written by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard and contain life-changing tips that cannot be found anywhere else such as “brush your teeth” and “take an occasional bath.” This priceless knowledge in the hands of police and criminals alike has resulted in a peaceful theta calm spreading over the city of St. Louis. As you can see in the video we’ve shared below, St. Louis was a backwards cesspool of criminality and depravity before Scientology arrived on the scene with our pamphlets of priceless platitudes and personality tests! The psychs and SPs can’t stand that we have changed things for the better and are going berserk in response!”
“As a result of a thorough OSA Int investigation we discovered that all of the media footage you have seen was the result of homeless criminals and mental patients who were bused in by the psychs from East St. Louis and paid to act out scenes of mayhem and destruction! The psychs also joined in and took part in looting and burning a QuikTrip convenience store to the ground! And if that were not enough the psychs even masqueraded as police officers and brutalized local citizens to further sully Scientology’s stellar crimebusting results! Their evil truly knows no bounds!”
“Thankfully our allies in the federal government understand that this is nothing more than a pathetic attempt to black PR the good name of Scientology and L. Ron Hubbard. As a result they ordered the Federal Aviation Administration to enact a no-fly zone over Ferguson to keep out news helicopters who were merely broadcasting psych-manufactured entheta.”
“To sum up St. Louis is still an island of sanity and completely free of any criminal activity thanks to Scientology and The Way To Happiness!”
“And for any Scientologist reading this know that while these reports are obviously false and made up by hateful psychs we will of course use the resulting fear and hysteria to our benefit by raising funds for the IAS and Ideal Orgs. Additionally, in our ongoing effort to elevate and uplift useless shithole cities with our special brand of “theta”, we are happy to announce our plan to build an Ideal Org in East St. Louis! Things are getting better but they are also getting much worse! We are winning but the situation is dire as well!”
“In short dig deep and move up in status today!”
* The Way To Happiness program is a Scientology fundraising scheme wherein the “church” sells overpriced booklets (printed by in-house facilities by Sea Org slave labor for pennies) to gullible (but well-meaning) Scientologists who then hand them out for free. While technically offering good but unoriginal advice it is not a humanitarian effort by the Church of Scientology – it is just yet another moneymaking scheme and front operation.
Posted in Satire, This Is Why (News)
Tagged Barry Coziahr, Claire Coziahr, Ferguson, Freeman Bosley Sr., front groups, IAS, ideal orgs, psychs, RESPONSE! Targeted Marketing, Scientology, St. Louis, The Way To Happiness, TWTH
Wild tales from deluded saps on the other side of OT
An SP vanquished
I was walking down the street the other day when I encountered a homeless woman who was ranting loudly. By virtue of my newfound OT abilities I could readily perceive that she was obviously stuck in an electronic incident. She was greatly enturbulating the people around her and causing much distress. When nobody was looking I pushed her in front of a bus. No more entheta! – W.M.
Got the money
As an OT IAS reg I know that I am on the frontlines of the fight against global suppression and 4th dynamic bank. Recently I was late for a meeting with a wealthy Scientologist and faithful IAS member that was close to dropping his body. My senior had instructed me that it was command intention from COB himself that we get him to put the IAS in his will. However Los Angeles traffic was not complying and I was perilously close to missing this slim window of fundraising opportunity. Suddenly in a flash of OT brilliance I realized that I simply needed to disagree with the mest universe and wog laws. Driving on the sidewalk would allow me to bypass the dev-t traffic! This resulted in me mowing down a few wogs but as they all looked homeless they’re better off dead anyway. After all – I merely exteriorized them and now they are free to find a better game to play instead of smelling badly and accosting upstat people for coins.
I’m happy to report that I got to the hospital just before the IAS member ended cycle on his life! His wife and children objected to his changing his will but they were no match for my tone-40 OT intention. As a result the IAS got millions of much needed dollars and his CI family got nothing. Now that is an OT win of enormous magnitude! – D.S.
While dining in a fine restaurant the other night I took a drink from my glass which left it empty. Like magic, within 5 minutes the waitress appeared and asked if I’d like a fresh drink. It’s so awesome being OT! – D.L
COB’s “nature” film saved
As a film director at Gold my job entails many things. One of these is producing a very peculiar form of “nature documentary” for COB. Without getting into too many details it involves lemurs, a Tom Cruise lookalike ( Laurisse “Lou” Stuckenbrock happily “volunteers”), electrified goldenrods and several 5 gallon pails of petroleum jelly.
I was running into difficulties with our latest production since the lemurs were mistakenly slaughtered and fed to RPF
prisoners participants. Thankfully I remembered that Kirstie Alley’s home was overrun with the filthy vermin. I put out an OT intention and Kirstie called me immediately since she has nothing better to do these days other than working on another poorly written sitcom. She promised to bring me some new lemurs as soon as she finished her hamburger. However since it was made from an entire cow this was going to take some time so I decided to rush to her house instead. She graciously took a break from her 800 lb. burger and helped me choose several of her sexiest lemurs. Afterward I rushed back to Gold, got Lou lubed up, powered up the copper goldenrods and unleashed the lemurs for some theta filmmaking. I was told that COB was “straight up and vertical” with excitement at the results! – V.M.
Well it’s not often that you see Scientology leader David Miscavige kiss the asses of his
parishioners customers but here you go. “Time-compression effect”? Does he mean they raided their savings faster than any saps before them?
If I had to guess I’d say COB has a serious crush on Grant. “A touch of enticing danger”? LOL, maybe he’s excited about the danger of getting caught two-timing Tom Cruise!
Chairman of the Board RTC, Mr. David Miscavige, presented this award with the following words:
“Those about to accept this award were another that joined us at our Patrons Ball last November. After which they advanced with record-setting speed from Gold Meritorious with Honors to Platinum Meritorious.
“Whereupon they engineered a ‘time-compression effect’ to arrive at Diamond Meritorious tonight. While as for all else they left in their wake: They are Power FSMs. They are leading Field Disseminators for the IAS. And all in ways that shimmer with elegance, panache and a touch of enticing danger. Because they are the ever stylish Grant and Elena Cardone.”
Under the direct guidance of its ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige, the Church of Scientology announced today that it has launched a new social betterment campaign to combat the growing problem of bullying in schools and in the workplace. Joining the ranks of Narconon and Criminon, Bullynon was created at the behest of Chairman of the Board RTC, Mr. David Miscavige who was greatly distressed to learn of the growing problem of violence in schools and businesses due to bullying.
Church spokesperson Karin Kapouw provided the press with the following details.
Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige, the benevolent and universally beloved leader of Scientology, is a gentle soul who detests physical or emotional abuse in any form. Upon discovering how pervasive bullying was becoming on a planetary scale he became determined to find a way to
exploit it for fundraising quell this growing problem.
Within weeks a pilot program was launched that proved to be so effective that bullies literally cut off their own hands to stop themselves from hitting other children and cut out their own tongues to avoid saying mean things!
Now with the help of the IAS the Church of Scientology is ready to spread this social betterment campaign around the world. All Scientologists are encouraged to move up in IAS status immediately in order to fund this important initiative!
As the Church of Scientology is mankind’s only hope of eradicating psychiatry and protecting against a Fifth Invader Fleet invasion it is exempt from this anti-bullying campaign. We need tough beings who can get the job done and that occasionally involves a good old fashioned face ripping or shoving of heads in toilets. If we were to ban such behavior it would likely weaken Scientology to the point that it could be taken over by theetie-weetie little pie-faced pussies that suck cocks on Hollywood Blvd! Our mission is much too important to let this happen.
The Church of Scientology is the world’s fastest growing religion, largely owing to the fact that the church counts anyone having seen a promotional video or a search engine ad as a full-fledged member. The church recently added 4 billion members with its widely seen Super Bowl commercial and with a flood of public purchasing GAT 2 services and materials it is also the world’s 3rd most profitable corporation. With new churches opening every 5 minutes and a forthcoming ideal org on the moon Scientology’s growth is truly unprecedented. To learn more about this vital and fast-growing world religion visit the church’s official video channel: Surviving Scientology
Move Down In Status!
Join the Sea Org Today!
It would appear that the Sea Org is desperate for people to work for the IAS. I got this in the mail last week and I’ve never in all my years seen the IAS send out anything like this.
Apparently slave labor is now in greater demand than cold hard cash. I can’t imagine any other reason they would be trying to recruit from their donor pool (disclaimer – I was a small fish and never a whale). However I highly doubt that Bob Duggan got a letter like this!
And here’s the fun survey that came with it. Pretty much the standard questions other than the new one asking where you are with GAT2. Looks like you’re ineligible if you ever took any “Super Cool” or “Shermans” LOL. Seriously does anyone actually do angel dust any more? I thought that stuff died out in the 70’s. Hey guys, how about asking if I recently did a “lid” of “grass.”