Tag Archives: Kirstie Alley

Scientology Year One (2015) – The Spaceship Takes Off For Target Two!

scientology new year spaceship

Get ready for Year One in Scientology (that’s 2015 for you downstat wogs). That’s when the spaceship takes off for target two! We’re on our way Ron and we’re bringing a carton of Kools sir!

P.S. Commodore – We’re leaving Kirstie Alley behind – our cargo area can’t hold that much food and she keeps wanting to bring her smelly pack of lemurs.

Ask COB – Nov 16 2014

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: I recently finished OT VII and Super Power yet I still can’t stop lustily wolfing down cakes and pies like there’s no tomorrow. It’s especially embarrassing since it makes my Organic Liaison weight loss program look like a complete fraud. What should I do sir?

Well Kirstie, this is a complex havingness issue that can only be remedied by going back to the bottom of the bridge and redoing your purif and objectives. You need to sweat out those toxic glutens and all that sludge from fruity fillings. After your purif you will do the Survival Rundown which will free you from the restimulative effects of tasty cakes and pies.

Additionally I’m C/Sing you for the Cause Resurgence rundown which used to be called the running program. I’m doing this because… well it’s obvious isn’t it?

Dear COB: I keep being hounded by OTC fundraisers asking for more and more money for our ideal org. I simply have nothing more to give and actually had to file bankruptcy recently. What should I do sir?

This is outrageous! You need to sit down and write up a detailed KR immediately… on yourself you counter-intentioned, c**ksucking, namby pamby, theetie wheetie degraded being! I expect a full and complete outline of all your crimes and why you’re determined to make me wrong!!!

Dear COB: We opened our Ideal Org 6 months ago and nobody new is coming in at all. What should we do sir?

Well obviously you have at least one SP on staff as the Ideal Org program has been proven beyond a doubt to be flawless and guarantees a torrent of new public! I’m sending my most ruthless team of sec-checkers to root out anyone who has counter-intention on straight up and vertical expansion. Rest assured that 24-hour gangbang sec-checks will get to the bottom of your org’s failure!

Dear COB: You’re in such great shape and I would love to get trim and fit like you. What would you recommend sir?

Well, thank you for noticing! I do enjoy staying fit (unlike old Tubby Hubbard) and I’m a big fan of golden rod squats. Every morning upon rising I do 100 reps wherein I squat down upon a lightly lubricated and electrified goldenrod and quickly jump up to a standing position. A nice side effect is that this always produces a generous sperm sample for our church’s Ideal Child Program.

I also recommend a vigorous boxing workout. Punching bags are unnecessary since I have a generous supply of downstat executives whose faces need punching.

Scientology Churches To Hold Ideal Orgy Fundraisers

Ideal Orgy

Dedicated Scientologists Moving Up In Status At A Recent Ideal Orgy!

In an effort to reverse shrinking attendance to Ideal Org fundraising events Chairman of the Board RTC has announced that all orgs are to commence holding Ideal Orgies to raise money for Ideal Orgs. Under this exciting new program those who donate sufficient amounts of money will be allowed to engage in sex acts with a staff member of their choice and even celebrity Scientologists when they are in attendance! Your status level will dictate which sex act you can engage in – all the way from “feel my finger” to “facials” and full-blown vaginal and anal sex. And as it should be expected sex with celebrity and VIP Scientologists will cost extra with pricing set on a tiered donation level based on the celeb/VIP’s popularity. For example, to get a blowjob from Jenna Elfman, Jason Dohring or Erika Christensen would cost approximately $100,000 while one would actually get paid to fuck Kirstie Alley (sorry Kirstie but your habit of eating roast lemur and sardine sandwiches during sex kinda kills it for most folks).

Orange County got the ball (or balls if you will) rolling with their recent “You Suck Cocks on Hollywood Blvd.” fundraiser as you can see in the above photo. But the other orgs with fundraising to complete won’t be outdone by OC, oh no sirree. Here are just a few of the upcoming Ideal Orgy events:

  • Atlanta Org – “Atlanta Is Burning And So Is My Snatch”
  • Chicago Org – “Get Blown In The Windy City”
  • Boston Org – “Get A Face Full Of Clam Chowdah For Ron”
  • Munich Org – “Munching Cocks and Pussy In Munich”
  • Salt Lake City Org – “Let’s All Get 1.1 For L. Ron!”
  • Austin Org – “Get Your Cock Smoked At Our Rooster BBQ!”
  • Kansas City Org – “Hump Around Like A Bunch Of Kansas City Faggots For LRH”
  • Albuquerque Org – “I’ll Be Quirky When Getting My Freak On In Albuquerque”
  • St. Louis Org – “Getting Screwy In St. Louie”

Here are just a few of the success stories from recent Ideal Orgies:

“I took responsibility for my 4th dynamic and got my cock sucked by that cute receptionist at my org at the same time. How awesome is that? COB has outdone himself with brilliance!!!”

“I went fully exterior while I was straight up and vertical in the HAS!”

“I blew my wad and a huge chunk of case! Thank you COB!!!!!!!!!!”

“I got cornholed with an e-meter can by my favorite PC! So much tonearm action!”

“I was overjoyed to learn that COB will watch every Ideal Orgy video – it made everything hotter by a magnitude of 1000% for me. It is truly thrilling to think that COB will masturbate furiously while watching me give it good and hard to my org’s ethics officer in the ass!”

There are a few things to be aware of with this exciting new program. COB has issued strict orders that staff who refuse to participate will be sent to the RPF for a minimum of 5 years! Also note that underage staff members will be issued fake IDs to ensure that they can also contribute to the motion of the fundraising – after all they are timeless thetans inhabiting young bodies and should not be denied the opportunity to contribute to this important cause because of stupid wog laws. Additionally all Ideal Orgies will be filmed in ClearVideo hi-def for COB’s viewing pleasure so do your best to give a good performance for our leader.

Now let’s move up in status and “rock out with our cocks out” for COB and LRH!

Some Frequently Asked Questions About Scientology – Part 2

scientology big blueWe’re happy to have Church of Scientology spokesbot and minister of propaganda Karen Kapow back at Scientology 411 to answer some more questions about the highly controversial Church of Scientology (see part 1 of this series here).

Some former members have accused your leader of being violent with subordinates. Does David Miscavige beat his staff?

Absolutely not! This is all just a huge misunderstanding that has been totally blown out of proportion. Mr. Miscavige merely offers his staff loving touch assists which are occasionally misinterpreted as being violent. As a matter of fact Mr. Miscavige is so committed to non-violence that he once ran off the road and totaled his expensive sports car to avoid hitting a butterfly.

The “RPF” has been described by defectors as a hellish prison camp not unlike the infamous prisons in North Korea. What exactly is the “RPF”?

“Hellish prison camp?” Oh those silly counter-intentioned cocksuckers and their lies – bless their bitter apostate hearts! Why nothing could be further than the truth, “RPF” actually stands for Rehabilitative Paradise Funtime. It is a therapeutic action for Sea Org members who are in need of a bit of spiritual “polishing.” Lucky participants work for years on fun activities including arts and crafts projects for a minimum of 20 hours a day. Examples include constructing rock walls, running around poles for days, growing fields of flowers for Tom Cruise and building furniture to sell to ideal orgs. It truly is a worker’s paradise.

We would appreciate it if you would refrain from using profanity.

What… cocksucker? That’s a sacred ecclesiastical term in Scientology.

Why is Scientology so opposed to psychiatry?

Because we know the true history of psychiatry! Psychiatrists are whole-track interstellar invaders hellbent on using their unproven pseudoscience for world domination and planetary enslavement. In short we do not like the competition.

There have been numerous reports of Sea Org members being coerced into having abortions. How do you respond to that?

Absolute balderdash! While having children in the Sea Org is discouraged if it happens we consider it a blessed event. Newly expecting mothers are merely issued metal coat hangers to hang up their beautiful new maternity clothes and darning needles to knit booties for baby. Just because a few of them choose to misuse these gifts is not our fault.

Your church has been criticized for using child labor. How do you respond to that?

Well our critics forced us to stop the mandatory abortions so what else are we supposed to do with the little bastards except put them to work? We can’t let them be downstat or they’ll be offloaded to live on the streets. Anyhow they are lucky and proud to work in the service of LRH and COB whether they are using their tiny bodies to clean grease traps, trapping rats for RPFer’s meals or carrying ashtrays for important execs.

Furthermore those children receive a wonderful education with access to the world’s finest library consisting of only beloved LRH titles like “The Chee Chalker” and “Battlefield Earth”. Additionally they take classes that consist of listening to L. Ron Hubbard’s thousands of lectures which is vastly superior to any worthless wog university education. Some even go on to study the LRH Course on Computer Tech where they learn how to program vacuum tube computers like the ones used at NASA!

And one final question that we’ve gotten a lot lately – what the hell is wrong with Kirstie Alley?

Well… I really shouldn’t tell you this but we read celebrity PC folders for fun and intelligence gathering. Anyhow, Kirstie is in heavy restim from a whole track incident where she ate an entire planet. Her guilt from this huge overt is causing her to lash out with hateful nonsensical ramblings. We’re currently trying to lure her into an auditing room for a session at Celebrity Centre by leaving a trail of cakes and pies down Hollywood Blvd.

Thank you for your time Ms. Kapow. We hope to have you back soon for part 3.

You’re quite welcome cocksucker.

OT Phenomena – July 2014 Edition

Wild tales from deluded saps on the other side of OT

An SP vanquished

I was walking down the street the other day when I encountered a homeless woman who was ranting loudly. By virtue of my newfound OT abilities I could readily perceive that she was obviously stuck in an electronic incident. She was greatly enturbulating the people around her and causing much distress. When nobody was looking I pushed her in front of a bus. No more entheta! – W.M.

Got the money

As an OT IAS reg I know that I am on the frontlines of the fight against global suppression and 4th dynamic bank. Recently I was late for a meeting with a wealthy Scientologist and faithful IAS member that was close to dropping his body. My senior had instructed me that it was command intention from COB himself that we get him to put the IAS in his will. However Los Angeles traffic was not complying and I was perilously close to missing this slim window of fundraising opportunity. Suddenly in a flash of OT brilliance I realized that I simply needed to disagree with the mest universe and wog laws. Driving on the sidewalk would allow me to bypass the dev-t traffic! This resulted in me mowing down a few wogs but as they all looked homeless they’re better off dead anyway. After all – I merely exteriorized them and now they are free to find a better game to play instead of smelling badly and accosting upstat people for coins.

I’m happy to report that I got to the hospital just before the IAS member ended cycle on his life! His wife and children objected to his changing his will but they were no match for my tone-40 OT intention. As a result the IAS got millions of much needed dollars and his CI family got nothing. Now that is an OT win of enormous magnitude! – D.S.

Magic water

While dining in a fine restaurant the other night I took a drink from my glass which left it empty. Like magic, within 5 minutes the waitress appeared and asked if I’d like a fresh drink. It’s so awesome being OT! – D.L

COB’s “nature” film saved

As a film director at Gold my job entails many things. One of these is producing a very peculiar form of “nature documentary” for COB. Without getting into too many details it involves lemurs, a Tom Cruise lookalike ( Laurisse “Lou” Stuckenbrock happily “volunteers”), electrified goldenrods  and several 5 gallon pails of petroleum jelly.

I was running into difficulties with our latest production since the lemurs were mistakenly slaughtered and fed to RPF prisoners participants.  Thankfully I remembered that Kirstie Alley’s home was overrun with the filthy vermin. I put out an OT intention and Kirstie called me immediately since she has nothing better to do these days other than working on another poorly written sitcom. She promised to bring me some new lemurs as soon as she finished her hamburger. However since it was made from an entire cow this was going to take some time so I decided to rush to her house instead. She graciously took a break from her 800 lb. burger and helped me choose several of her sexiest lemurs. Afterward I rushed back to Gold, got Lou lubed up, powered up the copper goldenrods and unleashed the lemurs for some theta filmmaking. I was told that COB was “straight up and vertical” with excitement at the results! – V.M.

The Miscavige Professional Ass Hat Course

In the Church of Scientology the idea of hats is rather important. Per LRH a hat is defined thusly:

1. On a train, a locomotive engineer and a conductor each wears a different kind of hat. You will notice that various jobs in the society are designated by different hats. From this we get the word hat as a slang term meaning one’s specialized duties. This is one’s hat.

2. The duties of a post. It comes from the fact that jobs are often distinguished by a type of hat as fireman, policeman, conductor, etc. Hence the term hat.

3. A hat is a specialty.

And in today’s Church of Scientology there is no hat more valuable to wear than the ass hat. It is truly the mark of a professional corporate Scientologist. And it is for this reason the Church of Scientology is proud to announce the brand new Miscavige Professional Ass Hat Course!

In this powerful course you will learn priceless knowledge like:

  • How to effectively scream phrases that cause critics to immediately cave in such as “Have you raped a baby?!?”
  • The Scientology tech of downvoting – This powerful tech shatters SPs that post hateful entheta and anti-Scientology propaganda on criminal sites like The Underground Bunker.
  • Key LRH strategies from “Operation Freakout” and “Operation Snow White” that will enable you to crush scurrilous suppressives.
  • The tech of mailing child pornography to critics and then reporting them to police.
  • Personal tips from COB RTC himself on which brands of scotch help you wear your ass hat dauntlessly and defiantly.
  • How to poison critics’ pets without leaving any evidence behind.
  • Regging techniques exclusive to this course including drilling to flatten any backoff due to concern for the mark’s financial well-being or reservations about using guilt, threats, violence or blackmail.

Rave reviews from recent course completions:

My neighbor recently told me that he considered Scientology to be a dangerous cult. Knowing the tech from this course, I immediately stuck my fingers in my ears and repeatedly screamed “BABY RAPER, BABY RAPER, BABY RAPER!!!” at him. Later that night I set his cat on fire and shoved it though his kitty door. The house burned to the ground and the SP was forced to move. Now the neighborhood is entheta-free! E.B.

There was an SP in my city that was vocally critical of our religion. Using the tech of mailing child porn, I was able to get him locked up for 20 years. However I couldn’t find any online or at my local grocery so I molested a young child from my neighborhood (don’t worry – it was a wog of course!) while taking photos. But it was all for the greater good and the kid obviously “pulled it in” – plus I made a large IAS donation so everything is cool. Thank you COB!!! A.M.

As an IAS Freedom Medal of Valor winner I can tell you that the data on this course is priceless beyond measure. I mean, man…it’s like…phew…wow…KSW times 1000! T.C.

I recently led a team that mercilessly harassed a heretical squirrel in Texas that was threatening our religion by mocking COB and delivering the tech for free. I can attest that what I learned from this course proved to be invaluable for squirrel busting! J.A.

Some of the recent graduates of the New Miscavige Professional Ass Hat Course:

Kirstie Alley

Kirstie Alley recently completed the course and immediately put her new skills to work attacking Leah Remini.

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise did the pilot program at Int Base and was personally supervised by BFF Chairman of the Board RTC David Miscavige!

And the man without whom this powerful course would not be possible – the master of asshattery and biggest asshat of them all…

David Miscavige

Chairman of the Board RTC and Scientology Leader of Leaders Mr. David “Slappy” Miscavige.

Do The New Miscavige Professional Ass Hat Course At Your Local Org Today!