We wanted to clear up some misconceptions about the Church of Scientology so we invited church spokesbot and minister of propaganda Karen Kapow to answer some frequently encountered questions about this controversial religion.
Is Scientology a cult?
No it absolutely is not. Cults require you to wear gowns and utter mind-numbing hypnotic phrases repeatedly while giving away all of your money and shunning your family and friends. Scientology on the other hand has no dress code whatsoever.
Some complain that you target ex-members for harassment. Is this true?
Oh good heavens no. We have nothing but empathy and the deepest respect for the filthy degraded cocksucking bitter defrocked apostates that destructively walk away from our wonderful faith and subsequently spread vicious lies about it. And we definitely do not officially condone actions like killing their pets, sending fake death threats in their name, going through their trash for embarrassing blackmail material, sending sex toys to their place of work, mailing them child pornography while tipping off the authorities, harassing them loudly outside their homes or defaming them on hate websites. If that sort of thing were to occur we would have no official connection to it.
Why are Scientology services so expensive?
As we are the guardians of the only workable mental technology in the universe we must employ an army of expensive lawyers to protect it from suppressive governments, rival corporations, alien invaders and the evil psychs. That unfortunately costs a great deal of money.
Additionally we fund a great many social betterment programs with parishioner donations such as the Citizen’s Commission to Eradicate Medical Science and the youth-oriented Drop Out of Worthless Wog Schools And Get A Real Education In The Sea Org program to name just a few.
If you have no money can you participate in Scientology?
Certainly! Poor people (or downstat degraded beings as we refer to them in Scientology) can partake of the many services that are offered for free in churches of Scientology. For instance they can get free auditing (Scientology counseling services) like the “Lick the bathroom floor clean rundown” or the Make that commode shine with this toothbrush rundown.” These are offered in the Free Scientology Center available in every org.
Poor people can also join the Sea Org and get their auditing and training for free while earning a generous salary of up to $2.00 per day!
Are homosexuals welcome in Scientology?
They most certainly are as long as they publicly denounce and subsequently abandon their 1.1 wicked ways. Once they’ve done that we can cure their affliction with our wondrous technology.
Why is Scientology so obsessed with masturbation?
We have found that masturbation greatly weakens the hand used to give your credit cards to Scientology registrars (sales people). When the process of handing your credit card to the reg is slowed down it allows for extra time to think about the transaction and back out of buying your next service. So you see we don’t care about your sexual habits, just your money.
You’ve recently come under fire for multiple mysterious deaths at your Narconon drug rehab facilities. Can you explain what’s going on with that?
Narconon has nothing whatsoever to do with Scientology. See this site for details on the true story about this rogue group of suppressives.
Why do Sea Org staff sign billion year contracts?
Because at our current rate of expansion that’s how long it will take to clear Earth.
Respected Scientology critic Jeffrey Augustine recently opined on his highly popular Surviving Scientology podcast that “They (Scientology) will literally suck the bone marrow out of your bones.” How do you respond to that?
If by “bones” he means your mind and by “bone marrow” the mental sorrow and heartache that afflicts mankind then yes he is correct.
Who is “Xenu”
No idea, I’ve never heard of that intergalactic warlord.