Join us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.
Dear COB: I haven’t seen Heber Jentzsch in ages sir? Where is he and what’s he up to?
exiled sent to Target 2 to help LRH prepare it for global clearing. However he still sends telexes like this from time to time…
Dearest Captain Miscavige,
Target 2 is absolute paradise and LRH and I pal around all the time. Thanks for sending me!
Your pal forever,
Dear COB: Where’s Mike Rinder?
Mike was declared SP for his for his complete failure to handle the suppressive elements in the UK like this guy. Now my only terminal over there is John Alex Wood who spends more time running dating site scams and making sexual advances toward Monty Python members on social media. Fucking useless…
Dear COB: Where’s Debbie Cook?
Alright enough of this! I am the only management terminal you need to have any attention on! Everyone else is either declared or on an important mission. If I get one more question like this I’ll declare all
10,000 25,000,000 Scientologists en masse!!!
Dear COB: I think it’s absolutely outrageous that “Going Clear” won 3 Emmys this past week! What are we doing about this sir?
Well first off we conducted a thorough investigation of the Emmy voters and found that every one of them was a German psych taking orders directly from the emperor of the planet Marcab! Our next step is to take out full page ads in all of the world’s major newspapers to expose this interstellar conspiracy! The Emmy committee won’t know what hit them when they’re exposed as the treasonous extraterrestrial lizard people that they are!!!
Dear COB: I hear your dad is writing a book. Will we be regaled with fun stories of your childhood sir?
Unfortunately dear old dad has succumbed to advanced dementia and is prone to telling rambling tall tales with absolutely no basis in reality. Any stories about me strangling kittens or hitting preclears are figments of his imagination!