Category Archives: Satire

A Hymn of Scientology Expansion

This was inspired by John Alex Wood’s latest bit of nonsense on Twitter…

John Alex Wood Scientology Tweet

Sung to the tune of Jesus Loves Me:

We’re expanding this I know
For Miscavige tells me so
All orgs will be Saint Hill size
Critics’ mouths are filled with lies

Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Miscavige tells me so

Ideal orgs will do a treat
Flood our cult with fresh raw meat
Anyone who disagrees
I must disconnect from thee

Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Miscavige tells me so

Stats that reach toward the sky
A cleared planet is surely nigh
A wink and twinkle in his eye
COB would never lie

Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Cuz Slappy tells me so

No one’s coming in our orgs
They all laugh and say we’re Borg
Little man upon a stage
Masks his shame with slaps of rage

Rev Slappy Miscavige

The Pied Piper of Hemet – Rev. Slappy Miscavige

 

Advertisements

Ask COB – Dec 17 2015

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: Why did you order the Introspection Rundown for Lisa McPherson?

An excellent question! The brilliant reasoning behind my ordering the introspection rundown for Lisa McPherson comes from powerful OT knowledge from far down our future track. Unfortunately this means it’s super confidential. However I can tell you that the main reason I knew this to be a necessary action was the act of Lisa leaving her credit cards by the side of the road when she disrobed after her car accident. There is nothing a Scientologist cherishes more than their credit cards as they are the key to spiritual freedom! A Scientologist would rather abandon their BT-infested children on the side of the road than their precious credit cards. Once I heard this I knew drastic measures had to be taken!

And my plan would have worked if not for the dastardly Paulette Cooper working in concert with German psychs and government-sponsored saboteurs! They managed to sneak past security and terminatedly exteriorize our beloved Lisa with an untraceable poison. And then they had the gall to try and pin it on us – the fastest growing religion in the universe!

Dear COB: What are you getting your beloved wife Shelly for Christmas?

That bitch’s stats are down but I’m giving her a lovely gift nonetheless – one coupon good for getting out of an ecclesiastical beating!

Dear COB: We’re all playing the game of giving LRH ideal orgs for Christmas but I was wondering what you’d like to see under the tree sir?

I’d be happy with Mike and Marty‘s heads mounted on top of 2 bottles of 50 year old Macallan single malt scotch. It’d be like Pez for alcoholic sociopaths!

Dear COB: I was just wondering, what’s your favorite Tom Cruise film sir?

Definitely the wedding night video I secretly recorded of him and Katie. Thankfully the angle I chose for the hidden camera ensured that most of the video is of Tom’s ass. So theta!

Merry Christmas From the Church of Scientology!

Scientology Christmas

And every Christmas while his BT-infested offspring were dreaming of sugar plums and ethics commendations in their stockings old Tubby would steal their presents to pay for his beloved cheap rum and “pinks and grays.”

Ask COB – Sept 15 2015

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: I haven’t seen Heber Jentzsch in ages sir? Where is he and what’s he up to?

Heber was exiled sent to Target 2 to help LRH prepare it for global clearing. However he still sends telexes like this from time to time…

Dearest Captain Miscavige,

Target 2 is absolute paradise and LRH and I pal around all the time. Thanks for sending me!

Your pal forever,

Heber

Dear COB: Where’s Mike Rinder?

Mike was declared SP for his for his complete failure to handle the suppressive elements in the UK like this guy. Now my only terminal over there is John Alex Wood who spends more time running dating site scams and making sexual advances toward Monty Python members on social media. Fucking useless…

Dear COB: Where’s Debbie Cook?

Alright enough of this! I am the only management terminal you need to have any attention on! Everyone else is either declared or on an important mission. If I get one more question like this I’ll declare all 10,000 25,000,000 Scientologists en masse!!!

Dear COB: I think it’s absolutely outrageous that “Going Clear” won 3 Emmys this past week! What are we doing about this sir?

Well first off we conducted a thorough investigation of the Emmy voters and found that every one of them was a German psych taking orders directly from the emperor of the planet Marcab! Our next step is to take out full page ads in all of the world’s major newspapers to expose this interstellar conspiracy! The Emmy committee won’t know what hit them when they’re exposed as the treasonous extraterrestrial lizard people that they are!!!

Dear COB: I hear your dad is writing a book. Will we be regaled with fun stories of your childhood sir?

Unfortunately dear old dad has succumbed to advanced dementia and is prone to telling rambling tall tales with absolutely no basis in reality. Any stories about me strangling kittens or hitting preclears are figments of his imagination!

All Scientology Ideal Org Videos To Be Remade In 4K 3D – Emergency Fundraising To Begin Immediately!

empty scientology org

One of the many Scientology orgs that sit empty and lifeless thanks to suppressive poor quality informational videos – credit idleorgs.com

Upon learning that Scientology’s international statistics were plummeting worldwide the ecclesiastical leader of the Scientology religion, Chairman of the Board RTC and Captain of the Sea Org Mr. David Miscavige, leapt into action and quickly assembled a crack team of investigators to get to the bottom of this dire emergency. After all, the future of our beloved religion was at stake!

What COB and his investigative team from International Management discovered has truly rocked the foundations of the Ideal Org program. Their analysis revealed that that lower definition non-3D videos in the org informational centers were to blame. The lower resolution and lack of 3D was causing misduplication of Scientology’s priceless wisdom among all of the raw meat, dead-in-the-head WOGs who walked into the orgs to learn more about the world’s fastest growing religion!

As a result per COB’s orders we are instituting an emergency program to remake all Scientology Ideal Org informational videos in glorious super high-definition 4K 3D just as LRH originally intended. Moreover those who created the original videos in shitty 1080P non-3D format have been declared suppressive and permanently excommunicated from the church. May the author of the universe have mercy on their souls.

This project will cost hundreds of millions of dollars but with the future of our religion and indeed the fate of the entire planet at stake Scientology parishioners have no choice but to dig deep and often to make this go right! But as we all know per Int Management surveys all Scientologists love an exciting fundraiser! Special honor statuses are available to those who make an extraordinary and credit-creaking contribution to this important program. Additionally those whose contributions are so great as to force them to file bankruptcy will be allowed to stay at an Ideal Flophouse free of charge for a limited time.

10,000th Sea Org Member Beaten in Historic Ceremony

Scientology staff members lined up to give a CICS failure exactly what he deserves!

Int base staff members lined up to give a CICS disgrace exactly what he deserves while COB proudly observes!

Marking a major milestone in the history of the Scientology religion, the 10,000th Sea Org member was beaten today in an historic ceremony at Scientology’s International Base in Hemet, CA. And underscoring the significance and importance of this occasion in the tomes of history was the presence of none other than the leader of the Scientology religion, Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige. After mounting his trusty apple box Mr. Miscavige capably and effectively delivered the first blow to the downstat CICS* while his faithful admirers cheered him on.

Immediately afterward, emboldened and inspired by COB’s powerful display of manliness, the rest of the base’s staff took turns beating the degraded being about the face, torso, testicles and legs. It was a true display of the kind of spontaneous camaraderie and solidarity that you’ll only find in the fastest growing religion on earth.

And while saddened that he could not attend and personally throttle the human waste that had offended his best friend and the leader of leaders, IAS Freedom Medal of Valor winner Mr. Tom Cruise nonetheless listened in by telephone and enthusiastically offered his verbal support.

The offending staff member, who had once again failed COB and thus let down LRH for all eternity, had committed the grievous and unforgivable offense of leaving a stray drop of dried spittle upon one of Mr. Miscavige’s dainty $5000 John Lobb dress shoes while polishing them with his tongue.

After his ecclesiastical beating the CICS staff member was presented with an SP declare and divorce papers so as to spare his wife the humiliation of being married to such a degraded piece of filth. COB then graciously took the ex-staff member’s former wife back to his chambers to help her run out the incident as only a highly trained Class XXV auditor such as him can.

Staff members conveyed rave life-changing wins from participating in this important event:

After I hit that out-ethics trash my space just expanded and I could see the whole of time and space. This must’ve been what it was like for LRH when he had underperformers thrown overboard when he was on the Apollo!

When COB whallopped that piece of shit I felt a delicious quivering in my naughty bits!

This was more fun than that time we put Debbie Cook in a barrel of water! So theta!!!

When I saw them bringing out COB’s apple box I knew shit was about to get real!

Thank God we found out <suppressive trash> was a whole-track Marcabian SP sent here to destroy COB and Scientology!!!

* CICS = Counter intentioned cocksucker – Anyone who disagrees with a COB directive thus jeopardizing the eternity of all mankind.

Get a Quality Education at the L. Ron Hubbard College!

L. Ron Hubbard College

The Hubbard College is ready to service you at its state of the art facility!

Young people today know that there is nothing more important than getting a good education that prepares you for today’s challenging job market. And getting one from Earth’s greatest educator will give you a competitive edge like no other!

L. Ron Hubbard held advanced degrees in 27 subjects including astrophysics, photography, nuclear physics, mysticism, childhood and adult education, intergalactic history and warfare, flimflammery and music composition. With a background like that you know you’ll receive a quality education at the Hubbard College!

Just look at all the subjects our fully accredited* school offers!

  • Nuclear Physics
  • Marcabian History
  • Medicine – Curing Cancer With Touch Assists
  • Music Appreciation – LRH Compositions
  • Drug Rehabilitation
  • Tugboat and Ghost Ship Command
  • Advanced Byzantine Corporate Organizational Structuring
  • Childhood Development
  • Family Counseling
  • Creative Accounting
  • Advanced Money Laundering
  • Hypnosis and its Practical Application in Business, Religion and Government
  • Advanced Whole-Track History (e-meter required)
  • The Hubbard Course on Computer Technology
  • Public Relations (taught by the Church of Scientology’s most brilliant PR expert)
  • Advanced Business Administration –  Harassment and Blackmail
  • Abstinence Education
  • Extreme Fundraising

Wow!!! What a lineup!

Don’t waste your time at a “wog” college with their false data and psych-based agendas  – study at the Hubbard College and gain priceless knowledge that you can use on Earth and beyond!!!!

Get your application in today!!!

*Accredited by the Bulgravian Ministry of Education