Category Archives: Ask COB

Ask COB – Dec 17 2015

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: Why did you order the Introspection Rundown for Lisa McPherson?

An excellent question! The brilliant reasoning behind my ordering the introspection rundown for Lisa McPherson comes from powerful OT knowledge from far down our future track. Unfortunately this means it’s super confidential. However I can tell you that the main reason I knew this to be a necessary action was the act of Lisa leaving her credit cards by the side of the road when she disrobed after her car accident. There is nothing a Scientologist cherishes more than their credit cards as they are the key to spiritual freedom! A Scientologist would rather abandon their BT-infested children on the side of the road than their precious credit cards. Once I heard this I knew drastic measures had to be taken!

And my plan would have worked if not for the dastardly Paulette Cooper working in concert with German psychs and government-sponsored saboteurs! They managed to sneak past security and terminatedly exteriorize our beloved Lisa with an untraceable poison. And then they had the gall to try and pin it on us – the fastest growing religion in the universe!

Dear COB: What are you getting your beloved wife Shelly for Christmas?

That bitch’s stats are down but I’m giving her a lovely gift nonetheless – one coupon good for getting out of an ecclesiastical beating!

Dear COB: We’re all playing the game of giving LRH ideal orgs for Christmas but I was wondering what you’d like to see under the tree sir?

I’d be happy with Mike and Marty‘s heads mounted on top of 2 bottles of 50 year old Macallan single malt scotch. It’d be like Pez for alcoholic sociopaths!

Dear COB: I was just wondering, what’s your favorite Tom Cruise film sir?

Definitely the wedding night video I secretly recorded of him and Katie. Thankfully the angle I chose for the hidden camera ensured that most of the video is of Tom’s ass. So theta!

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Ask COB – Sept 15 2015

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: I haven’t seen Heber Jentzsch in ages sir? Where is he and what’s he up to?

Heber was exiled sent to Target 2 to help LRH prepare it for global clearing. However he still sends telexes like this from time to time…

Dearest Captain Miscavige,

Target 2 is absolute paradise and LRH and I pal around all the time. Thanks for sending me!

Your pal forever,

Heber

Dear COB: Where’s Mike Rinder?

Mike was declared SP for his for his complete failure to handle the suppressive elements in the UK like this guy. Now my only terminal over there is John Alex Wood who spends more time running dating site scams and making sexual advances toward Monty Python members on social media. Fucking useless…

Dear COB: Where’s Debbie Cook?

Alright enough of this! I am the only management terminal you need to have any attention on! Everyone else is either declared or on an important mission. If I get one more question like this I’ll declare all 10,000 25,000,000 Scientologists en masse!!!

Dear COB: I think it’s absolutely outrageous that “Going Clear” won 3 Emmys this past week! What are we doing about this sir?

Well first off we conducted a thorough investigation of the Emmy voters and found that every one of them was a German psych taking orders directly from the emperor of the planet Marcab! Our next step is to take out full page ads in all of the world’s major newspapers to expose this interstellar conspiracy! The Emmy committee won’t know what hit them when they’re exposed as the treasonous extraterrestrial lizard people that they are!!!

Dear COB: I hear your dad is writing a book. Will we be regaled with fun stories of your childhood sir?

Unfortunately dear old dad has succumbed to advanced dementia and is prone to telling rambling tall tales with absolutely no basis in reality. Any stories about me strangling kittens or hitting preclears are figments of his imagination!

Ask COB – May 25 2015

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: What’s your opinion of Tony Ortega’s book ‘The Unbreakable Miss Lovely’ which claims to outline a long-running harassment campaign against author Paulette Cooper?

Leave it to tabloid journalist Tony Ortega to dig up the ancient past to try and make a quick buck by defaming the fastest growing religion on earth. I know for a fact that he has only sold 25 copies of his sad excuse for a book (we have spies everywhere) and all of those were to known bitter defrocked apostates!

Yes some mistakes were made in the past by renegade Guardian’s Office operatives including Hubbard’s hussy of a wife. LRH knew nothing of these misdeeds and was truly appalled when he found out what Mary Sue Hubbard was up to. Indeed it was discovered that she secretly hoped to destroy his reputation and take over as source!

Now as far as Paulette Cooper goes she certainly likes to exaggerate as the only actions the church undertook against her were some harmless and lighthearted prank calls, writing her number upon bathroom halls in hopes of finding her an upstat suitor who would distract her from her hysterical hatred of our religion, and stealing some typing paper from her apartment which was ultimately donated to schoolchildren to use for their drawings.

As a matter of fact it was Paulette who broke into the Guardians Office headquarters and planted the fake “Operation Freakout” documents in order to boost the flagging sales of her hate-filled anti-Scientology book “The Scandal of Scientology.” This was not difficult for her as she was a highly trained German spy, personally trained by Adolph Hitler himself!

Dear COB: I recently read a news article that reported you hired private investigators to spy on your father and that you instructed them to let him die when he appeared to be having a heart attack. Is this true sir?

Well first off you’ve been declared suppressive for reading newspapers! You know full well that the only news you’re allowed to read is the quality journalism we kindly provide in International Scientology News, Impact and Freedom magazines.

I had no choice but to keep tabs on dear old dad as he was obviously at risk of going full-blown type 3. What else besides insanity would explain his leaving the tranquil nirvana that is Int Base? And it would have broken my heart to see pop live out the rest of his years in a vegetative state so yes I did say to let him drop his body, exteriorize and go find a fresh body. Besides, frankly he became a bit of a bore these last few years so it’s time for him to move on. And we’ve learned from LRH that families are a MEST illusion – look how shitty he treated his 3 er, 2 wives and 6 kids!

Dear COB: I did my objectives many years ago and got great wins from them. But now the C/S is telling me I need to redo them on the new SRD. Why would I need to redo them when everything was fine sir?

There is a specific technical reason that everyone has to redo their objectives and it comes straight from the upper levels. In reviewing LRH OT materials it was discovered that touching walls and spotting spots is 1000% more effective in our new ideal orgs. Objectives done in old orgs were squirrel due to having been done in downstat surroundings. Also if you don’t do them I’ll have you declared suppressive for defying my executive CSing!

Dear COB: My 5 year old child is becoming increasingly rebellious – refusing sec checks and constantly backflashing. What should I do sir?

Construct a chain locker in your basement, fill it with hungry rats and lock your snotty brat in it for a week. That’s how LRH straightened out little shits on the Apollo!

Ask COB – Mar 10 2015

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: A friend of mine recently completed the Cause Resurgence Rundown at FLAG and said that it just consisted of running around in a circle for days on end. Given that LRH smoked 6 packs a day and probably would have collapsed after one lap don’t you find this rundown a bit curious sir?

Well first I need to know your friend’s name so I can declare them SP for leaking this confidential data! And I’ll have you know that LRH did complete this rundown to its full EP but he did it as a fully exterior OT. He ran around an undisclosed planet while his body consumed rich, refreshing Kool cigarettes for energy. Any more questions smartass?!?

Dear COB: Where the hell is OTIX and X sir? We’ve been waiting for over 25 years now!!!

Why you backflashing CICS SP!!! How dare you question me with that tone! If you had bothered to pay attention to any of my recent briefings instead of spending your evenings sucking cocks on Hollywood Blvd like a theetie-weetie dilettante you’d know that OT IX and X will be released when each org is Fully Ideal, Saint Hill Size, has a 1,000-strong OT committee, and has $10,000,000 in reserve cash. Until then your precious OT IX and X will remain locked in my nightstand!!!

Dear COB: My wife and I have fallen out of ARC with each other lately and I’m not sure what to do. What would you recommend sir? Should we do marriage counseling or visit the ethics officer?

Move up in status! The underlying cause of your marriage difficulties is the fact that your wife does not respect you. That can be quickly remedied by increasing your ideal org and IAS status by a magnitude of legendary proportions. And make sure you move up to a status that awards you with a huge trophy – bitches love trophies!

Ask COB – Jan 15 2015

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: I keep getting pressured to donate money for the new Scientology media center in Los Angeles. I don’t understand the need for this costly new facility when Gold is fully capable of handling all of our multimedia production needs. Can you clear this up for me sir?

First let’s put aside your backflash and CI on donating toward the most important cause in all of the galaxies and universes in totality and eternity! The reason is simple – Gold is now devoted entirely to producing international management events and photoshopping my images to ensure a youthful and theta appearance. Gold staff members are so incompetent and downstat that they can scarcely even handle that! Hence the immediate need for a new multimedia production facility devoted entirely to reaching new dead-in-the-head wog raw meat with hypnotic videos that match the public’s chronically low tone level.

Now about that CI on donating… how dare you question my wisdom you backflashing c**ksucker!!! I’ve contacted your local registrar and if I don’t hear back that you’ve donated at least $100,000 toward this vital new program I’ll personally declare you SP!!!

Dear COB: I recently visited FLAG and the Super Power building was completely empty with no public to be found. What gives sir?

The Super Power building was temporarily closed because some little pussy (now declared) puked all over the motion perception machine and shorted out the electronics. This required a full top-to-bottom cleaning of the entire building and a comprehensive white glove inspection by RTC. Rest assured that the building is now open and public are flooding in from around the world like never before!

Dear COB: I recently learned that HBO is going to air a documentary about Scientology that will no doubt be pure entheta. What should we do to fight back sir?

This is yet another important reason to donate as much as you possibly can toward the huge new Scientology media center we’re building in LA. It will be used in part to fight entheta media companies like HBO which factually was recently bought by a shadowy group of psychs! Their plan is to flood the airwaves with their psych filth designed to key in the public’s whole-track implants.

The calibre of the programming we have lined up so far is of such high quality that our ratings will be straight up and vertical while HBO’s will be completely downstat. There is no doubt that HBO will be bankrupt in 1 years time and Scientology’s cable channel will be #1 in the ratings – I personally guarantee it. After all – who would waste time watching garbage like The Sopranos when Top Gun is on 18 hours every day!

Dear COB: I’m 9 years old and in the 3rd grade. My class is doing Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory for our school play and we need one more person to play an Ooompa Loompa. You’re the right height sir, will you help us out?

Why you vile little…! I’ve just declared your whole family SP! Moreover I’ve dispatched a team of ethics officers to come take all your toys and destroy them in front of you!!!

Ask COB – Nov 16 2014

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: I recently finished OT VII and Super Power yet I still can’t stop lustily wolfing down cakes and pies like there’s no tomorrow. It’s especially embarrassing since it makes my Organic Liaison weight loss program look like a complete fraud. What should I do sir?

Well Kirstie, this is a complex havingness issue that can only be remedied by going back to the bottom of the bridge and redoing your purif and objectives. You need to sweat out those toxic glutens and all that sludge from fruity fillings. After your purif you will do the Survival Rundown which will free you from the restimulative effects of tasty cakes and pies.

Additionally I’m C/Sing you for the Cause Resurgence rundown which used to be called the running program. I’m doing this because… well it’s obvious isn’t it?

Dear COB: I keep being hounded by OTC fundraisers asking for more and more money for our ideal org. I simply have nothing more to give and actually had to file bankruptcy recently. What should I do sir?

This is outrageous! You need to sit down and write up a detailed KR immediately… on yourself you counter-intentioned, c**ksucking, namby pamby, theetie wheetie degraded being! I expect a full and complete outline of all your crimes and why you’re determined to make me wrong!!!

Dear COB: We opened our Ideal Org 6 months ago and nobody new is coming in at all. What should we do sir?

Well obviously you have at least one SP on staff as the Ideal Org program has been proven beyond a doubt to be flawless and guarantees a torrent of new public! I’m sending my most ruthless team of sec-checkers to root out anyone who has counter-intention on straight up and vertical expansion. Rest assured that 24-hour gangbang sec-checks will get to the bottom of your org’s failure!

Dear COB: You’re in such great shape and I would love to get trim and fit like you. What would you recommend sir?

Well, thank you for noticing! I do enjoy staying fit (unlike old Tubby Hubbard) and I’m a big fan of golden rod squats. Every morning upon rising I do 100 reps wherein I squat down upon a lightly lubricated and electrified goldenrod and quickly jump up to a standing position. A nice side effect is that this always produces a generous sperm sample for our church’s Ideal Child Program.

I also recommend a vigorous boxing workout. Punching bags are unnecessary since I have a generous supply of downstat executives whose faces need punching.

Ask COB – Aug 26 2014

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: I am an OT VIII and I recently received a C/S to redo my objectives. I think this is ridiculous as I am at the top of the bridge. What should I do sir?

Well congratulations shithead as now you no longer need to do them. You’ve been declared suppressive for having the audacity to question my brilliant and infallible executive C/S!

Dear COB: I don’t see why we need an LRH Hall. What’s next – the LRH Commemorative Outhouse?

Do you have any idea how hard I work to come up with these boondoggles*? You’re the second CICS* I’ve received a question from today! Looks like I’ll be upstat on SP declares this week!!!

Dear COB: Barry Coziahr seems to be taking all of the credit for the Way To Happiness eliminating all crime and bringing complete peace to Ferguson and Saint Louis, MO. In all of his press interviews not once did he thank you sir! In my universe to not acknowledge Chairman of the Board RTC for the precious tech is tantamount to treason!

I agree and hereby declare Barry Coziahr a suppressive person! Moreover he is to report to the RPF at Int Base so I can personally oversee his punishment. Get ready to clean a plethora of filthy commodes and dumpsters with your toothbrush Barry!!!

Dear COB: I recently wrapped up my GAT II auditor training but I’m still having trouble getting good results on my pcs. What should I do sir?

This will be handled on the forthcoming Golden Age of Tech 3.

Dear COB: We have discovered an SP in our org, may we burn her? She caused our stats to wither with an evil postulate!

By all means but make sure that everyone involved gets a thorough loyalty check from OSA beforehand. We can’t allow any more leaks regarding our internal justice system!

Dear COB: I recently came into a great deal of money and have the choice of either helping fund a very promising form of cutting-edge cancer research or donating it to the IAS. What should I do sir?

Donate it to the IAS. All those cancer “victims” pulled it in due to their suppressive whole-track overts anyway!

 

*Boondoggle – An expensive and gaudy building vitally needed for world clearing.

* CICS – Counter-intentioned cocksucker