Merry Christmas From the Church of Scientology!

And every Christmas while his BT-infested offspring were dreaming of sugar plums and ethics commendations in their stockings old Tubby would steal their presents to pay for his beloved cheap rum and “pinks and grays.”

Ask COB – Sept 15 2015

Join us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: I haven’t seen Heber Jentzsch in ages sir? Where is he and what’s he up to?

Heber was exiled sent to Target 2 to help LRH prepare it for global clearing. However he still sends telexes like this from time to time…

Dearest Captain Miscavige,

Target 2 is absolute paradise and LRH and I pal around all the time. Thanks for sending me!

Your pal forever,

Heber

Dear COB: Where’s Mike Rinder?

Mike was declared SP for his for his complete failure to handle the suppressive elements in the UK like this guy. Now my only terminal over there is John Alex Wood who spends more time running dating site scams and making sexual advances toward Monty Python members on social media. Fucking useless…

Dear COB: Where’s Debbie Cook?

Alright enough of this! I am the only management terminal you need to have any attention on! Everyone else is either declared or on an important mission. If I get one more question like this I’ll declare all 10,000 25,000,000 Scientologists en masse!!!

Dear COB: I think it’s absolutely outrageous that “Going Clear” won 3 Emmys this past week! What are we doing about this sir?

Well first off we conducted a thorough investigation of the Emmy voters and found that every one of them was a German psych taking orders directly from the emperor of the planet Marcab! Our next step is to take out full page ads in all of the world’s major newspapers to expose this interstellar conspiracy! The Emmy committee won’t know what hit them when they’re exposed as the treasonous extraterrestrial lizard people that they are!!!

Dear COB: I hear your dad is writing a book. Will we be regaled with fun stories of your childhood sir?

Unfortunately dear old dad has succumbed to advanced dementia and is prone to telling rambling tall tales with absolutely no basis in reality. Any stories about me strangling kittens or hitting preclears are figments of his imagination!

All Scientology Ideal Org Videos To Be Remade In 4K 3D – Emergency Fundraising To Begin Immediately!

One of the many Scientology orgs that sit empty and lifeless thanks to suppressive poor quality informational videos – credit idleorgs.com

Upon learning that Scientology’s international statistics were plummeting worldwide the ecclesiastical leader of the Scientology religion, Chairman of the Board RTC and Captain of the Sea Org Mr. David Miscavige, leapt into action and quickly assembled a crack team of investigators to get to the bottom of this dire emergency. After all, the future of our beloved religion was at stake!

What COB and his investigative team from International Management discovered has truly rocked the foundations of the Ideal Org program. Their analysis revealed that that lower definition non-3D videos in the org informational centers were to blame. The lower resolution and lack of 3D was causing misduplication of Scientology’s priceless wisdom among all of the raw meat, dead-in-the-head WOGs who walked into the orgs to learn more about the world’s fastest growing religion!

As a result per COB’s orders we are instituting an emergency program to remake all Scientology Ideal Org informational videos in glorious super high-definition 4K 3D just as LRH originally intended. Moreover those who created the original videos in shitty 1080P non-3D format have been declared suppressive and permanently excommunicated from the church. May the author of the universe have mercy on their souls.

This project will cost hundreds of millions of dollars but with the future of our religion and indeed the fate of the entire planet at stake Scientology parishioners have no choice but to dig deep and often to make this go right! But as we all know per Int Management surveys all Scientologists love an exciting fundraiser! Special honor statuses are available to those who make an extraordinary and credit-creaking contribution to this important program. Additionally those whose contributions are so great as to force them to file bankruptcy will be allowed to stay at an Ideal Flophouse free of charge for a limited time.

Mace-Kingsley Advertising Medically Dangerous Scientology Detox For Kids

“I did my Purification Rundown at Mace-Kingsley when I was six years old.”

“Mace-Kingsley’s Purif is hopping with kid in the sauna sweating out toxins and radiation left and right!”

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with these people? What kid is loaded with drug deposits?

10,000th Sea Org Member Beaten in Historic Ceremony

Int base staff members lined up to give a CICS disgrace exactly what he deserves while COB proudly observes!

Marking a major milestone in the history of the Scientology religion, the 10,000th Sea Org member was beaten today in an historic ceremony at Scientology’s International Base in Hemet, CA. And underscoring the significance and importance of this occasion in the tomes of history was the presence of none other than the leader of the Scientology religion, Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige. After mounting his trusty apple box Mr. Miscavige capably and effectively delivered the first blow to the downstat CICS* while his faithful admirers cheered him on.

Immediately afterward, emboldened and inspired by COB’s powerful display of manliness, the rest of the base’s staff took turns beating the degraded being about the face, torso, testicles and legs. It was a true display of the kind of spontaneous camaraderie and solidarity that you’ll only find in the fastest growing religion on earth.

And while saddened that he could not attend and personally throttle the human waste that had offended his best friend and the leader of leaders, IAS Freedom Medal of Valor winner Mr. Tom Cruise nonetheless listened in by telephone and enthusiastically offered his verbal support.

The offending staff member, who had once again failed COB and thus let down LRH for all eternity, had committed the grievous and unforgivable offense of leaving a stray drop of dried spittle upon one of Mr. Miscavige’s dainty $5000 John Lobb dress shoes while polishing them with his tongue.

After his ecclesiastical beating the CICS staff member was presented with an SP declare and divorce papers so as to spare his wife the humiliation of being married to such a degraded piece of filth. COB then graciously took the ex-staff member’s former wife back to his chambers to help her run out the incident as only a highly trained Class XXV auditor such as him can.

Staff members conveyed rave life-changing wins from participating in this important event:

After I hit that out-ethics trash my space just expanded and I could see the whole of time and space. This must’ve been what it was like for LRH when he had underperformers thrown overboard when he was on the Apollo!

When COB whallopped that piece of shit I felt a delicious quivering in my naughty bits!

This was more fun than that time we put Debbie Cook in a barrel of water! So theta!!!

When I saw them bringing out COB’s apple box I knew shit was about to get real!

Thank God we found out <suppressive trash> was a whole-track Marcabian SP sent here to destroy COB and Scientology!!!

* CICS = Counter intentioned cocksucker – Anyone who disagrees with a COB directive thus jeopardizing the eternity of all mankind.

Attend The ‘Run Your Business The Scientology Way’ Seminar!

Business owners – do you want to see your stats and wealth skyrocket? Attend the “Run Your Business The Scientology Way” 2-day seminar hosted by WISE (World Institute of Scientology Enterprises) and learn proven methods to make your business a roaring success! Here are just a few samples of the great business tech and tips you’ll learn at this incredible seminar:

• Customers with complaints always have hidden crimes – haul them in for expensive interrogations.
• How to harass and blackmail your competition into bankruptcy.
• Avoid paying fair wages that cut into your precious profits by declaring your business to be a religion. Now you can hire gullible people as “volunteers” and pay them next to nothing (or even nothing at all if your “scriptures” dictate it as appropriate)!
• All attendees receive the Church of Scientology’s exclusive list of the most vile, bottom-feeding lawyers who will happily sue your competition into oblivion for the most baseless of reasons.
• How to create an internal secret police division that will keep your employees productive through intimidation and fear.
• How paying for employee health insurance and paid sick leave only encourages lazy employees to go PTS and get sick.
• You’ll learn several ways that any land-based business can replicate LRH’s proven method for improving morale – overboarding!
• Prohibit all interoffice romance except for yourself and your hot assistant. A hat tip to COB for this one!
• A pro tip straight from LRH and presently used to great effect by Scientology leader and Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige – when stats are up it’s always due to your wise and effective management and when they’re down it’s always the fault of your incompetent employees.
• How requiring workers to sign away all constitutional rights will save you a ton of headache down the road.
• Learn how to use your employees’ most embarrassing secrets to increase productivity and discourage slacking.
• You’ll do actual Sea Org screaming drills to learn just the right amount of hatred, volume and spittle spray to get your intention across to counter-intentioned employees.
• Workers with children are a drain on your business. Learn how to persuade them to have abortions (at the expense the government or charitable organizations of course) or put existing children up for adoption. Now they’ll be able to focus on their work 24/7!
• Enroll your employees on the The Hubbard Course on Computer Technology. At only $9,000 per person it’s a bargain!

Testimonials from previous attendees:

This seminar was so theta! When I get home I’m going to make my employees’ lives a living hell. Thank you LRH!!!

This was a powerful seminar and it enabled me to move up to the next level in douchebag status. And I’m Grant Cardone so that’s really saying something!!!

I had been foolishly treating my staff well and providing them with generous benefits and profit sharing. Now I realize I’ll never get up the bridge that way. Many thanks to WISE for shifting my viewpoint to be more like LRH and COB!!!

I was so impressed by the incredible tech presented at this seminar that I immediately enrolled on The Slappy Miscavige Management Course to further hone my admin skills and take my business to the next level!!!

Sign up now to avail yourself of all this powerful information and gain the tech to send your stats into screaming affluence and your workers into the depths of despair! At only $5000 you can’t afford to pass up this incredible bargain – seating is extremely limited so reserve your ticket now!!!

Ask COB – May 25 2015

Join us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: What’s your opinion of Tony Ortega’s book ‘The Unbreakable Miss Lovely’ which claims to outline a long-running harassment campaign against author Paulette Cooper?

Leave it to tabloid journalist Tony Ortega to dig up the ancient past to try and make a quick buck by defaming the fastest growing religion on earth. I know for a fact that he has only sold 25 copies of his sad excuse for a book (we have spies everywhere) and all of those were to known bitter defrocked apostates!

Yes some mistakes were made in the past by renegade Guardian’s Office operatives including Hubbard’s hussy of a wife. LRH knew nothing of these misdeeds and was truly appalled when he found out what Mary Sue Hubbard was up to. Indeed it was discovered that she secretly hoped to destroy his reputation and take over as source!

Now as far as Paulette Cooper goes she certainly likes to exaggerate as the only actions the church undertook against her were some harmless and lighthearted prank calls, writing her number upon bathroom halls in hopes of finding her an upstat suitor who would distract her from her hysterical hatred of our religion, and stealing some typing paper from her apartment which was ultimately donated to schoolchildren to use for their drawings.

As a matter of fact it was Paulette who broke into the Guardians Office headquarters and planted the fake “Operation Freakout” documents in order to boost the flagging sales of her hate-filled anti-Scientology book “The Scandal of Scientology.” This was not difficult for her as she was a highly trained German spy, personally trained by Adolph Hitler himself!

Dear COB: I recently read a news article that reported you hired private investigators to spy on your father and that you instructed them to let him die when he appeared to be having a heart attack. Is this true sir?

Well first off you’ve been declared suppressive for reading newspapers! You know full well that the only news you’re allowed to read is the quality journalism we kindly provide in International Scientology News, Impact and Freedom magazines.

I had no choice but to keep tabs on dear old dad as he was obviously at risk of going full-blown type 3. What else besides insanity would explain his leaving the tranquil nirvana that is Int Base? And it would have broken my heart to see pop live out the rest of his years in a vegetative state so yes I did say to let him drop his body, exteriorize and go find a fresh body. Besides, frankly he became a bit of a bore these last few years so it’s time for him to move on. And we’ve learned from LRH that families are a MEST illusion – look how shitty he treated his 3 er, 2 wives and 6 kids!

Dear COB: I did my objectives many years ago and got great wins from them. But now the C/S is telling me I need to redo them on the new SRD. Why would I need to redo them when everything was fine sir?

There is a specific technical reason that everyone has to redo their objectives and it comes straight from the upper levels. In reviewing LRH OT materials it was discovered that touching walls and spotting spots is 1000% more effective in our new ideal orgs. Objectives done in old orgs were squirrel due to having been done in downstat surroundings. Also if you don’t do them I’ll have you declared suppressive for defying my executive CSing!

Dear COB: My 5 year old child is becoming increasingly rebellious – refusing sec checks and constantly backflashing. What should I do sir?

Construct a chain locker in your basement, fill it with hungry rats and lock your snotty brat in it for a week. That’s how LRH straightened out little shits on the Apollo!

Mace-Kingsley Will Get Rid Of Your Child’s Monsters!

Hear that parents? Rejoice because Mace-Kingsley will now help your child get rid of their monsters (and replace them with new ones). And how will they do this? That’s right – with the power of LRH tech!

And once your precious little ones are freed from their pesky engrams and body thetans Mace-Kingsley will introduce them to their new monsters – Sea Org regges and recruiters who are desperate for fresh young bodies with weak minds to exploit and abuse.

And the wonderful folks at Mace-Kingsley will do all this for just a few thousand dollars. Yay!

Scientology Media Productions Announces Upcoming Programming!

Scientology Media Productions is proud to announce its exciting upcoming programming lineup! As you know  we have been fundraising for this facility for quite some time and thanks to our generous donors we now have our multimillion dollar state-of-the-art satellite dish! This will enable us to broadcast to the billions right here from beautiful downtown Burbank!

And in commemoration of this momentous event we are also thrilled to announce that we will be rebranding Scientology Media Productions as Scientology Media Enhancing Reality thru Services & Hatting (or SMERSH for short). And now without further ado here are some of the exciting theta shows you’ll be able to watch soon.

• Cosmology –  Learn the TRUE data about the origins of our universe – such as how Earth was populated by the Marcabians and how the Fifth Invader Fleet still threatens us today. Neil deGrasse Tyson and the producers of Cosmos are frauds as they ignored the vast contributions LRH made to the field of astrophysics and exploring our time track.
• Incognito Boss – COB visits failing Class V orgs in disguise and beats up under-performing CICS staff members.
• Tom Cruise’s Next Bride – Hosted by none other than Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige! Tom Cruise is lonely and once again only his pals from the Church of Scientology can help him find a new gal. And they’ve got their work cut out for them because not only must she be knockout gorgeous, she has to also be free of all body thetans and counter-intention. But not to worry, Tom’s best buddy COB RTC Mr. David “Slappy” Miscavige is on the job!
• Freedom Magazine – All of your favorite news stories from the hard-hitting journalists at Freedom Magazine including:
  • Who is Marty Rathbun and How He Caused The Holocaust!
  • Alex Gibney – Documentary Producer or Marcabian Assassin?
  • Chemtrails – Harmless Condensation or Evil Psych Plot?
• Celebrity Confessionals – Direct from COB’s vast video vault the most lurid misdeeds of your favorite Scientology celebrities! Guaranteed to be spicy!
• Real Housewives of Int Base – You saw them on Anderson Cooper and now you’ll get an inside look at the glamorous lives of these royal ladies of Scientology’s international headquarters!
• RPF Rascals – Kids in Scientology’s cadet org getting into all sorts of hilarious hijinks! But that pesky ethics officer is always watching!
• YSCOHB: Scientology After Dark – Scientology’s hottest staff members doing what they do best after hours – you’ve never seen dissem drills or touch assists like this before!
• Breaking News from COB Central. Programming will consist of ideal org expansion news, COB’s breakthrough accomplishments, and other such exciting news programming.
• Ideal Org Events – Exclusive videos of all ideal org events which per surveys are the finest entertainment that can be experienced!
• Dianetics infomercial broadcast 12 hours per day!
• Top Gun broadcast every day!

So donate everything you can in our latest round of fundraising (so we can buy the millions of dollars of cabling to hook to our satellite dish) and get ready for the most theta TV you’ve ever seen!

Ask COB – Mar 10 2015

Join us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: A friend of mine recently completed the Cause Resurgence Rundown at FLAG and said that it just consisted of running around in a circle for days on end. Given that LRH smoked 6 packs a day and probably would have collapsed after one lap don’t you find this rundown a bit curious sir?

Well first I need to know your friend’s name so I can declare them SP for leaking this confidential data! And I’ll have you know that LRH did complete this rundown to its full EP but he did it as a fully exterior OT. He ran around an undisclosed planet while his body consumed rich, refreshing Kool cigarettes for energy. Any more questions smartass?!?

Dear COB: Where the hell is OTIX and X sir? We’ve been waiting for over 25 years now!!!

Why you backflashing CICS SP!!! How dare you question me with that tone! If you had bothered to pay attention to any of my recent briefings instead of spending your evenings sucking cocks on Hollywood Blvd like a theetie-weetie dilettante you’d know that OT IX and X will be released when each org is Fully Ideal, Saint Hill Size, has a 1,000-strong OT committee, and has $10,000,000 in reserve cash. Until then your precious OT IX and X will remain locked in my nightstand!!!

Dear COB: My wife and I have fallen out of ARC with each other lately and I’m not sure what to do. What would you recommend sir? Should we do marriage counseling or visit the ethics officer?

Move up in status! The underlying cause of your marriage difficulties is the fact that your wife does not respect you. That can be quickly remedied by increasing your ideal org and IAS status by a magnitude of legendary proportions. And make sure you move up to a status that awards you with a huge trophy – bitches love trophies!