Following his recent proclamation that “Most white folks wouldn’t have a clue of what it means to be cool if it weren’t for black America” Scientology leader and Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige announced the launch of a new outreach effort to increase Scientology’s presence in the black community. Recognizing that the Church of Scientology’s recent alliance with the Nation of Islam wasn’t quite generating the impact nor positive press he had originally predicted Mr. Miscavige decided that a new approach was necessary.
As this was a uniquely historic event Chairman of the Board RTC visited the Inglewood ideal org and gave a briefing to the hundreds of thousands of adoring Scientologists and local dignitaries in attendance. Mr. Miscavige’s highly anticipated appearance was of course the high point of the day!
“I welcome all of my new homeboys and homegirls this blessed day, to what may very well prove to be one of the most important events in the history of Scientology. I look out upon you all and I do not see white, black or brown faces. I see the only color which matters to a Scientologist – green! Now some in international management urged me not to undertake this campaign. Well to those counter-intentioned biotches I said, “homey don’t play dat!” LRH dropped the mad tech and dope admin and he meant it for all peoples of earth – indeed he generously even originated special security checking for the negro race.” Mr. Miscavige then closed out his historic presentation with the following pearl of wisdom: “Remember this my G’s, you can’t fly up the bridge to OT unless you be fly! Fo shizzle…”
After his speech had ended Mr. Miscavige somberly poured a 40 oz on the curb in honor of his dead homie LRH to a chorus of resounding hip-hip-hoorays from the audience.
At a subsequent press briefing Church spokesperson and recent RPF graduate Karin Kapouw provided further details to the press about this truly momentous occasion. “In what is being hailed as essentially a complete reboot of our black outreach program, Mr. Miscavige has personally appointed Sweet Lenny, whom he recently saw in an episode of “Good Times”, as the community outreach project IC.”
When asked for a statement Mr. Lenny replied, “My name is Len-nay and my new religion will cost you many pretty pen-nays.”
Ms. Kapouw continued: “Alfraudie Johnson was considered for the post but COB decided that he wasn’t “hip” enough and would not resonate with black youth. Chill E.B was also a possibility until COB realized that no one outside of the IAS and CCHR had ever heard of him. Additionally we are proud to announce that gin and juice is now available from all ideal org drink bars.”
Scientology continues to experience explosive growth while accolades flow in from all corners of the globe. With millions of churches worldwide and 4 billion members (1 million added in just the last week alone) Scientology is truly earth’s fastest growing
money-making scam religion. Proving that fraud knows no color barrier millions of devotees look to Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige for spiritual guidance and all consider they have no greater friend.