World’s First Diamond Maximus Meritorious Nobel Prize With Honors!!!
Recognizing that the Church of Scientology has brought lasting peace to multiple troubled regions worldwide with its Way to Happiness campaign, the Nobel Committee has awarded the church’s ecclesiastical leader, Chairman of the Board RTC and Captain of the Sea Org Mr. David Miscavige, with the Nobel Peace Prize!
Nobel Committee spokesman Rolf Lutefisk provided the exciting details behind this most historic and momentous occasion, “When we began investigating recent stunning positive global changes we were frankly a bit astonished to find out the Church of Scientology’s leader was behind them. As a matter of fact Mr. Miscavige’s contributions to world peace and global stability have been so sweeping and of such great significance that we have for the first time in our history awarded a recipient with a Diamond Maximus Meritorious Nobel Prize With Honors!”
Mr Miscavige’s stellar accomplishments which earned him Nobel consideration include:
- Forgoing any and all concern for his own personal safety and travelling to Iran and Syria to personally hand out 50 million Way to Happiness booklets, whereupon both nations declared Scientology their official state religion! Moreover all military and government personnel from both nations immediately reported to the Tel Aviv Ideal Org to start on their Basics. As a result the org immediately went Saint Hill size!!!
- Singlehandedly spearheading the effort that eliminated all crime and drug trafficking in Colombia. Mr. Miscavige personally presented the country’s drug kingpins with limited edition leatherbound Way to Happiness books (hand-signed by Mr. Miscavige). They were so deeply touched by COB’s heartfelt gesture that they immediately abandoned the drug trade, donated all of their ill-gotten funds to Ideal Org campaigns and became Power FSMs, literally flooding the orgs with new public!
- The complete eradication of psychiatry planetwide. Members of the World Psychiatric Association were greatly moved by COB’s recent personal plea to abandon their suppressive technology and instead train as Scientology auditors. Please note that IAS fundraising for anti-psych initiatives will continue unabated in order to ensure there are no backsliders!
Ever humble and shy of the spotlight, Mr Miscavige offered this short statement, “I looked around and saw a deeply troubled world that greatly needed the unique wisdom and effective solutions that no one but I, the world’s only true Scientologist, could provide. Whereupon I had to go it alone since as usual I am surrounded by out-ethics counter-intentioned pie-faced cocksuckers that couldn’t duplicate the tech if it was spoon fed to them by LRH himself!”
Scientology’s explosive growth knows no bounds as membership recently surpassed 4 billion members. Currently the only church on guard against interstellar invaders and psychiatric overlords Scientology has once again shown it is the only world religion of any importance in today’s modern world. Billions of devoted followers look to Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige for insightful answers to every aspect of their lives and none consider they have any greater friend.