Join us here each week as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.
Dear COB: I am an OT VIII and I recently received a C/S to redo my objectives. I think this is ridiculous as I am at the top of the bridge. What should I do sir?
Well congratulations shithead as now you no longer need to do them. You’ve been declared suppressive for having the audacity to question my brilliant and infallible executive C/S!
Dear COB: I don’t see why we need an LRH Hall. What’s next – the LRH Commemorative Outhouse?
Do you have any idea how hard I work to come up with these boondoggles*? You’re the second CICS* I’ve received a question from today! Looks like I’ll be upstat on SP declares this week!!!
Dear COB: Barry Coziahr seems to be taking all of the credit for the Way To Happiness eliminating all crime and bringing complete peace to Ferguson and Saint Louis, MO. In all of his press interviews not once did he thank you sir! In my universe to not acknowledge Chairman of the Board RTC for the precious tech is tantamount to treason!
I agree and hereby declare Barry Coziahr a suppressive person! Moreover he is to report to the RPF at Int Base so I can personally oversee his punishment. Get ready to clean a plethora of filthy commodes and dumpsters with your toothbrush Barry!!!
Dear COB: I recently wrapped up my GAT II auditor training but I’m still having trouble getting good results on my pcs. What should I do sir?
This will be handled on the forthcoming Golden Age of Tech 3.
Dear COB: We have discovered an SP in our org, may we burn her? She caused our stats to wither with an evil postulate!
By all means but make sure that everyone involved gets a thorough loyalty check from OSA beforehand. We can’t allow any more leaks regarding our internal justice system!
Dear COB: I recently came into a great deal of money and have the choice of either helping fund a very promising form of cutting-edge cancer research or donating it to the IAS. What should I do sir?
Donate it to the IAS. All those cancer “victims” pulled it in due to their suppressive whole-track overts anyway!
*Boondoggle – An expensive and gaudy building vitally needed for world clearing.
* CICS – Counter-intentioned cocksucker