Ask COB – Aug 26 2014

Join us here each week as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: I am an OT VIII and I recently received a C/S to redo my objectives. I think this is ridiculous as I am at the top of the bridge. What should I do sir?

Well congratulations shithead as now you no longer need to do them. You’ve been declared suppressive for having the audacity to question my brilliant and infallible executive C/S!

Dear COB: I don’t see why we need an LRH Hall. What’s next – the LRH Commemorative Outhouse?

Do you have any idea how hard I work to come up with these boondoggles*? You’re the second CICS* I’ve received a question from today! Looks like I’ll be upstat on SP declares this week!!!

Dear COB: Barry Coziahr seems to be taking all of the credit for the Way To Happiness eliminating all crime and bringing complete peace to Ferguson and Saint Louis, MO. In all of his press interviews not once did he thank you sir! In my universe to not acknowledge Chairman of the Board RTC for the precious tech is tantamount to treason!

I agree and hereby declare Barry Coziahr a suppressive person! Moreover he is to report to the RPF at Int Base so I can personally oversee his punishment. Get ready to clean a plethora of filthy commodes and dumpsters with your toothbrush Barry!!!

Dear COB: I recently wrapped up my GAT II auditor training but I’m still having trouble getting good results on my pcs. What should I do sir?

This will be handled on the forthcoming Golden Age of Tech 3.

Dear COB: We have discovered an SP in our org, may we burn her? She caused our stats to wither with an evil postulate!

By all means but make sure that everyone involved gets a thorough loyalty check from OSA beforehand. We can’t allow any more leaks regarding our internal justice system!

Dear COB: I recently came into a great deal of money and have the choice of either helping fund a very promising form of cutting-edge cancer research or donating it to the IAS. What should I do sir?

Donate it to the IAS. All those cancer “victims” pulled it in due to their suppressive whole-track overts anyway!

 

*Boondoggle – An expensive and gaudy building vitally needed for world clearing.

* CICS – Counter-intentioned cocksucker

St. Louis Is Still A Crime-Free Utopia Thanks To Scientology!

The Ferguson QuikTrip was actually looted and burned by psychiatrists!

August 13, 2014 – St. Louis MO USA – The Church of Scientology International issued the following statement today regarding the current scene in St. Louis, MO.

“Contrary to what has been portrayed in the news media of late by the “merchants of chaos”, we in the Church of Scientology want to assure you that St. Louis is still a crime-free utopia thanks to Scientology and the St. Louis Way To Happiness chapter! Reports of a shooting by police sparking rioting, looting and further police brutality are absolutely false. These horrible lies were in fact cooked up by local psychiatrists intent on undoing the good PR Scientology has earned by lowering the crime rate in St. Louis by 100% (per current stats) with our Way To Happiness booklets – just like we recently did for the entire country of Colombia! These wonderful booklets were written by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard and contain life-changing tips that cannot be found anywhere else such as “brush your teeth” and “take an occasional bath.”  This priceless knowledge in the hands of police and criminals alike has resulted in a peaceful theta calm spreading over the city of St. Louis. As you can see in the video we’ve shared below, St. Louis was a backwards cesspool of criminality and depravity before Scientology arrived on the scene with our pamphlets of priceless platitudes and personality tests! The psychs and SPs can’t stand that we have changed things for the better and are going berserk in response!”

“As a result of a thorough OSA Int investigation we discovered that all of the media footage you have seen was the result of homeless criminals and mental patients who were bused in by the psychs from East St. Louis and paid to act out scenes of mayhem and destruction! The psychs also joined in and took part in looting and burning a QuikTrip convenience store to the ground! And if that were not enough the psychs even masqueraded as police officers and brutalized local citizens to further sully Scientology’s stellar crimebusting results! Their evil truly knows no bounds!”

“Thankfully our allies in the federal government understand that this is nothing more than a pathetic attempt to black PR the good name of Scientology and L. Ron Hubbard. As a result they ordered the Federal Aviation Administration to enact a no-fly zone over Ferguson to keep out news helicopters who were merely broadcasting psych-manufactured entheta.”

“To sum up St. Louis is still an island of sanity and completely free of any criminal activity thanks to Scientology and The Way To Happiness!”

“And for any Scientologist reading this know that while these reports are obviously false and made up by hateful psychs we will of course use the resulting fear and hysteria to our benefit by raising funds for the IAS and Ideal Orgs. Additionally, in our ongoing effort to elevate and uplift useless shithole cities with our special brand of “theta”, we are happy to announce our plan to build an Ideal Org in East St. Louis! Things are getting better but they are also getting much worse! We are winning but the situation is dire as well!”

“In short dig deep and move up in status today!”

* The Way To Happiness program is a Scientology fundraising scheme wherein the “church” sells overpriced booklets (printed by in-house facilities by Sea Org slave labor for pennies) to gullible (but well-meaning) Scientologists who then hand them out for free. While technically offering good but unoriginal advice it is not a humanitarian effort by the Church of Scientology – it is just yet another moneymaking scheme and front operation.