All Org Offices of LRH To Be Remocked as Offices of COB

Office of LRH

One org’s Office of LRH

Since it’s become pretty obvious at this point in time that LRH has “done a bunk” and completely “goofed the floof”, the Church of Scientology has proclaimed that the office of LRH that is found in every Scientology org will now be remocked as the office of COB (glorious Chairman of the Board RTC, captain of the Sea Org and most holy ecclesiastical leader of the Scientology religion, Mr. David Miscavige).

First a bit of history. Per policy every Scientology org is required to maintain an office for L. Ron Hubbard. This goes back to the days when he would travel from org to org and thus required his own office that was stocked with all his required office supplies such as cigarettes, rum, and bottles of “pinks and greys.”

In accordance with this RTC directive COB’s office in each org is to be furnished with the following items:

    • Four telephone books (3″ thick minimum) for COB’s office chair so that he can tower over CICS (counter-intentioned cocksucker) staff members while berating them for their incompetence
    • A fresh carton of mild and refreshing Kancer-Killing Kool cigarettes
    • A large window that from which cannot be viewed a “Scientology and the Aftermath” billboard or any such suppressive advertisements
    • The following framed poster-size and totally not gay photo of COB and his bestest pal Tom on their manly bikes
    • A case of Macallan scotch (2 cases if international org stats are down – so basically 2 cases at all times)
    • A small chair and table in the corner where Tom Cruise can play quietly while COB does his important work
    • A framed wedding photo for the desk of COB with his non-existent wife airbrushed out
    • Telex machine for sending orders to Int Base (such as who to throw in “The Hole”, beatings schedule updates, etc).

All orgs must comply with this RTC directive immediately and as this is the ecclesiastical leader of our religion cost is no object, even if staff pay needs to be suspended indefinitely. COB is the hardest working Scientologist and we’re sure you’ll agree that he deserves the finest, most upstat surroundings and furnishings in which to sip scotch and throttle underperforming staff.

2 responses to “All Org Offices of LRH To Be Remocked as Offices of COB

  1. Bart Simpson's Kid

    Sir – We are working at an Idle Morgue in the Valley and are setting up the COB office. We would like to know how you would like your bathroom set up, Sir. How exactly shall we display your emema bag and should we put a crock pot in it to keep your water hot for the enema bag?

    • A crock pot sounds like an excellent idea to keep my BT-cleansing fluids warm and if you stash a fifth of Macallan behind the toilet there’s a commendation for your ethics folder in it for you!

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