Join us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.
Dear COB: I haven’t seen Heber Jentzsch in ages sir? Where is he and what’s he up to?
exiled sent to Target 2 to help LRH prepare it for global clearing. However he still sends telexes like this from time to time…
Dearest Captain Miscavige,
Target 2 is absolute paradise and LRH and I pal around all the time. Thanks for sending me!
Your pal forever,
Dear COB: Where’s Mike Rinder?
Mike was declared SP for his for his complete failure to handle the suppressive elements in the UK like this guy. Now my only terminal over there is John Alex Wood who spends more time running dating site scams and making sexual advances toward Monty Python members on social media. Fucking useless…
Dear COB: Where’s Debbie Cook?
Alright enough of this! I am the only management terminal you need to have any attention on! Everyone else is either declared or on an important mission. If I get one more question like this I’ll declare all
10,000 25,000,000 Scientologists en masse!!!
Dear COB: I think it’s absolutely outrageous that “Going Clear” won 3 Emmys this past week! What are we doing about this sir?
Well first off we conducted a thorough investigation of the Emmy voters and found that every one of them was a German psych taking orders directly from the emperor of the planet Marcab! Our next step is to take out full page ads in all of the world’s major newspapers to expose this interstellar conspiracy! The Emmy committee won’t know what hit them when they’re exposed as the treasonous extraterrestrial lizard people that they are!!!
Dear COB: I hear your dad is writing a book. Will we be regaled with fun stories of your childhood sir?
Unfortunately dear old dad has succumbed to advanced dementia and is prone to telling rambling tall tales with absolutely no basis in reality. Any stories about me strangling kittens or hitting preclears are figments of his imagination!
Confidential RTC directive to all OSA personnel: As HBO’s slanderous Going Clear “documentary” has undoubtedly led to troublesome questions from Scientology
customers parishioners emergency measures were necessary to minimize the potential damage to our off-shore bank accounts faithful parishioners’ eternities.
And owing to the fact that everyone in OSA is a completely useless degraded being, Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige had to once again step in and save the day. He has compiled the following top 10 reasons “Going Clear” was produced. All OSA personnel are to M-9 this list and then drill it verbatim until it’s burned into your puny little CICS memory banks!
- Ideal orgs have so many new public flowing in that it’s driving the psychs insane with rage. *Not your org – just all of the other ones. Your empty org obviously has SPs on its lines!
- HBO is now a psych-run implant station. Take for example the recent Frank Sinatra documentary by the suppressive “Going Clear” producer Alex Gibney. As you know from your studies of the ACC lectures LRH revealed that Frank Sinatra was actually a Marcabian spy sent to Earth to hypnotize the public!
- Lawrence Wright and Alex Gibney are cross-dressing male prostitutes in the employ of none other than sex-ring kingpin Marty Rathbun! Marty threatened to expose their perverted activities if they didn’t make this “documentary” to slander Scientology and its beloved leader Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige!
- The crack div-6 team at the LA model ideal org is so effective at getting thousands of new people into Scientology every single day that it’s literally causing the psychs and merchants of chaos to have psychotic breaks!
- HBO is terrified of the competition they will receive from Scientology Media Productions. They know that nobody will watch their pornographic filth and poorly written trash when they can instead view wholesome and enlightening entertainment like “Tom Cruise’s Next Bride.”
- Upcoming infomercials to market the Mark Ultra VIII E-Meter to raw public are so powerful and impinging that the psychs are in complete terror.
- Colombian SPs are so furious that our “The Way To Happiness” campaign has cut crime in their country by 80% that they funneled drug money to HBO to help finance “Going Clear.”
- The Fifth Invader Fleet is prepping Earth for invasion and as Scientology is the only thing that can stop them they must do everything possible to destroy us.
- Forthcoming LRH Hall in Clearwater has the psychs and SPs in panic mode. They know this is the next crucial step in COB’s masterful plan to fully enable world clearing.
- Black PR campaign by the squirrel group Neurotology.