Tag Archives: Sea Org

All Scientology Ideal Org Videos To Be Remade In 4K 3D – Emergency Fundraising To Begin Immediately!

empty scientology org

One of the many Scientology orgs that sit empty and lifeless thanks to suppressive poor quality informational videos – credit idleorgs.com

Upon learning that Scientology’s international statistics were plummeting worldwide the ecclesiastical leader of the Scientology religion, Chairman of the Board RTC and Captain of the Sea Org Mr. David Miscavige, leapt into action and quickly assembled a crack team of investigators to get to the bottom of this dire emergency. After all, the future of our beloved religion was at stake!

What COB and his investigative team from International Management discovered has truly rocked the foundations of the Ideal Org program. Their analysis revealed that that lower definition non-3D videos in the org informational centers were to blame. The lower resolution and lack of 3D was causing misduplication of Scientology’s priceless wisdom among all of the raw meat, dead-in-the-head WOGs who walked into the orgs to learn more about the world’s fastest growing religion!

As a result per COB’s orders we are instituting an emergency program to remake all Scientology Ideal Org informational videos in glorious super high-definition 4K 3D just as LRH originally intended. Moreover those who created the original videos in shitty 1080P non-3D format have been declared suppressive and permanently excommunicated from the church. May the author of the universe have mercy on their souls.

This project will cost hundreds of millions of dollars but with the future of our religion and indeed the fate of the entire planet at stake Scientology parishioners have no choice but to dig deep and often to make this go right! But as we all know per Int Management surveys all Scientologists love an exciting fundraiser! Special honor statuses are available to those who make an extraordinary and credit-creaking contribution to this important program. Additionally those whose contributions are so great as to force them to file bankruptcy will be allowed to stay at an Ideal Flophouse free of charge for a limited time.

10,000th Sea Org Member Beaten in Historic Ceremony

Scientology staff members lined up to give a CICS failure exactly what he deserves!

Int base staff members lined up to give a CICS disgrace exactly what he deserves while COB proudly observes!

Marking a major milestone in the history of the Scientology religion, the 10,000th Sea Org member was beaten today in an historic ceremony at Scientology’s International Base in Hemet, CA. And underscoring the significance and importance of this occasion in the tomes of history was the presence of none other than the leader of the Scientology religion, Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige. After mounting his trusty apple box Mr. Miscavige capably and effectively delivered the first blow to the downstat CICS* while his faithful admirers cheered him on.

Immediately afterward, emboldened and inspired by COB’s powerful display of manliness, the rest of the base’s staff took turns beating the degraded being about the face, torso, testicles and legs. It was a true display of the kind of spontaneous camaraderie and solidarity that you’ll only find in the fastest growing religion on earth.

And while saddened that he could not attend and personally throttle the human waste that had offended his best friend and the leader of leaders, IAS Freedom Medal of Valor winner Mr. Tom Cruise nonetheless listened in by telephone and enthusiastically offered his verbal support.

The offending staff member, who had once again failed COB and thus let down LRH for all eternity, had committed the grievous and unforgivable offense of leaving a stray drop of dried spittle upon one of Mr. Miscavige’s dainty $5000 John Lobb dress shoes while polishing them with his tongue.

After his ecclesiastical beating the CICS staff member was presented with an SP declare and divorce papers so as to spare his wife the humiliation of being married to such a degraded piece of filth. COB then graciously took the ex-staff member’s former wife back to his chambers to help her run out the incident as only a highly trained Class XXV auditor such as him can.

Staff members conveyed rave life-changing wins from participating in this important event:

After I hit that out-ethics trash my space just expanded and I could see the whole of time and space. This must’ve been what it was like for LRH when he had underperformers thrown overboard when he was on the Apollo!

When COB whallopped that piece of shit I felt a delicious quivering in my naughty bits!

This was more fun than that time we put Debbie Cook in a barrel of water! So theta!!!

When I saw them bringing out COB’s apple box I knew shit was about to get real!

Thank God we found out <suppressive trash> was a whole-track Marcabian SP sent here to destroy COB and Scientology!!!

* CICS = Counter intentioned cocksucker – Anyone who disagrees with a COB directive thus jeopardizing the eternity of all mankind.

Church of Scientology to Donate Yellow VM Shirts to Victims of Nepal Earthquake


The Church of Scientology, once again living up to its reputation as the only humanitarian organization in the world that offers real help to those in need, has announced that it will be donating yellow volunteer minister t-shirts to assist the victims of the terrible earthquake Nepal recently suffered. Church spokesperson Karin Kapow elaborates with the following details.

“While other so-called ‘humanitarian’ organizations are offering their typical wog and psych-based solutions to what is needed and wanted in Nepal, we recognize that the most important thing to survivors of this disaster is to have a bright and cheery shirt to wear while digging out bodies from rubble and such. Food and water mean little when one is not in an uplifted ‘theta’ mood. Our bright yellow shirts are infused with theta thanks to the happy children who lovingly make them 18 hours per day, 7 days a week in Sea Org work camps.”

“All we ask is that recipients take group photos of themselves wearing our high quality shirts and email them to public-relations@scientology.org where we will use them in internal events and press releases. Recipients will also be kindly added to our informative mailing lists since they will now be considered instant-hatted Scientology volunteer ministers!”


Previously hopeless and downstat beings cheered up thanks to their new shirts generously donated by Scientologists!

“As you can see every person wearing one of these comforting shirts can’t help but smile. Our cheery shirts will have the Nepalese forgetting about deceased relatives and friends in no time!”

“Scientologists are urged to donate as much as they can to help with this important PR opportunity relief effort. Each shirt is made of the finest quality materials and at a cost of only $24.95 per shirt they are truly a bargain. As a special bonus Scientologists that donate for 1000 or more shirts will receive a special limited edition commendation featuring the likeness of our beloved leader, Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige!”

Mace-Kingsley Will Get Rid Of Your Child’s Monsters!

mace-kingsley monsters 1

mace-kingsley monsters 2

Hear that parents? Rejoice because Mace-Kingsley will now help your child get rid of their monsters (and replace them with new ones). And how will they do this? That’s right – with the power of LRH tech!

And once your precious little ones are freed from their pesky engrams and body thetans Mace-Kingsley will introduce them to their new monsters – Sea Org regges and recruiters who are desperate for fresh young bodies with weak minds to exploit and abuse.

And the wonderful folks at Mace-Kingsley will do all this for just a few thousand dollars. Yay!

Mace-Kingsley Will Prepare Your Child For The Sea Org!


Hey kids, getting indoctrinated into Scientology is super fun!

Wow that fish at the bottom right sure looks downtone. He must have crimes!

Greg makes an odd point about children getting auditing and then thriving professionally which includes working for the Sea Org. Sounds like child abuse to me.

An 18 month old child has “gotten rid of unwanted negative emotions from enturbulating situations in her environment.” Umm… ok.

Scientology Media Productions Announces Upcoming Programming!


Scientology Media Productions is proud to announce its exciting upcoming programming lineup! As you know  we have been fundraising for this facility for quite some time and thanks to our generous donors we now have our multimillion dollar state-of-the-art satellite dish! This will enable us to broadcast to the billions right here from beautiful downtown Burbank!

And in commemoration of this momentous event we are also thrilled to announce that we will be rebranding Scientology Media Productions as Scientology Media Enhancing Reality thru Services & Hatting (or SMERSH for short). And now without further ado here are some of the exciting theta shows you’ll be able to watch soon.

  • Cosmology –  Learn the TRUE data about the origins of our universe – such as how Earth was populated by the Marcabians and how the Fifth Invader Fleet still threatens us today. Neil deGrasse Tyson and the producers of Cosmos are frauds as they ignored the vast contributions LRH made to the field of astrophysics and exploring our time track.
  • Incognito Boss – COB visits failing Class V orgs in disguise and beats up under-performing CICS staff members.
  • Tom Cruise’s Next Bride – Hosted by none other than Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige! Tom Cruise is lonely and once again only his pals from the Church of Scientology can help him find a new gal. And they’ve got their work cut out for them because not only must she be knockout gorgeous, she has to also be free of all body thetans and counter-intention. But not to worry, Tom’s best buddy COB RTC Mr. David “Slappy” Miscavige is on the job!
  • Freedom Magazine – All of your favorite news stories from the hard-hitting journalists at Freedom Magazine including:
    • Who is Marty Rathbun and How He Caused The Holocaust!
    • Alex Gibney – Documentary Producer or Marcabian Assassin?
    • Chemtrails – Harmless Condensation or Evil Psych Plot?
  • Celebrity Confessionals – Direct from COB’s vast video vault the most lurid misdeeds of your favorite Scientology celebrities! Guaranteed to be spicy!
  • Real Housewives of Int Base – You saw them on Anderson Cooper and now you’ll get an inside look at the glamorous lives of these royal ladies of Scientology’s international headquarters!
  • RPF Rascals – Kids in Scientology’s cadet org getting into all sorts of hilarious hijinks! But that pesky ethics officer is always watching!
  • YSCOHB: Scientology After Dark – Scientology’s hottest staff members doing what they do best after hours – you’ve never seen dissem drills or touch assists like this before!
  • Breaking News from COB Central. Programming will consist of ideal org expansion news, COB’s breakthrough accomplishments, and other such exciting news programming.
  • Ideal Org Events – Exclusive videos of all ideal org events which per surveys are the finest entertainment that can be experienced!
  • Dianetics infomercial broadcast 12 hours per day!
  • Top Gun broadcast every day!

So donate everything you can in our latest round of fundraising (so we can buy the millions of dollars of cabling to hook to our satellite dish) and get ready for the most theta TV you’ve ever seen!

Become a Tool for Life at the Young Scientologists’ Convention!

young scientologist's convention

Hey kids, how would you like to move up in status as a Scientologist by becoming a “tool” for life? Well now you can at the Young Scientologists’ Tools For Life Convention aboard the Freewinds!

Here are just a few of the exciting things you’ll learn!

  • Special techniques to effectively overcome your friends’ resistance to joining Scientology – the super rad and fastest growing religion in the galaxy
  • How to disconnect from downstat friends without becoming misemotional or becoming enturbulated
  • How to safely avoid internet entheta and suppressive hate sites
  • How bullying can actually prepare you for a fulfilling career in the Sea Org
  • Effectively reporting on your family members and friends to your org’s ethics officer (includes free “iSnitch” iPhone app)
  • Advanced fundraising techniques you can use to raise money for your Ideal Org and the IAS

And that’s not all! In addition to all of the seminars and workshops there are plenty of fun activities to enjoy!

  • Deck swabbing
  • Bilge cleaning
  • Camp-outs in the ship’s chain locker
  • Fun-filled interviews with Sea Org recruiters
  • Excursions to beautiful islands to hand out free personality tests and sell Dianetics books*
  • Spend a fun-filled day in the RPF!
  • Watch an informative 4 hour video briefing from COB!!!
  • An all day Tom Cruise film festival
  • Attend an exclusive IAS briefing where you’ll learn how our new global media center is going to boom Scientology like never before!
  • Listen to a recently discovered LRH lecture where you’ll learn the powerful whole-track technique for writing awesome popular music that LRH used on the multi-platinum and Grammy winning “Road to Freedom”!!!

So join us this January on the Freewinds – it’ll be so theta!!!!

Legal disclaimers:

*Diving photo not representative of actual convention activity.

*Failure to meet sales quota will result in being overboarded.

*Bonus camera workshop only available to those who make their Dianetics book sales quota.

Joey From The Sea Org Is Here To Help You Find Your Purpose!



Joey Collewijn at Celebrity Centre International is here to help you find your purpose in the Sea Org!

This not at all cheesy and predatory looking young man has but a singular purpose – to help you find your purpose in life (which unsurprisingly involves a life of Sea Org slave labor and 18 hour workdays). Whether that purpose is peeling potatoes in the galley, polishing commodes with toothbrushes until they sparkle, or swabbing the deck on an asbestos-laden ghost ship you’ll know that you’re forwarding command intention during your billion year contract!

And if you’re one of the lucky ones, you too might get to sit on picturesque balconies while selling billion-year enslavement to unsuspecting saps who will only see picturesque balconies in forbidden magazines while sneaking a 5 minute break.

Call Joey today – your future awaits!

Church of Scientology Announces Major Change To Ideal Org Strategy

Future Scientology Ideal Flophouse

Future Scientology Ideal Flophouse

The Church of Scientology announced a major change today to its roaringly successful Ideal Org program. Scientology spokesfibber and propaganda specialist Karin Kapow provided the following statement to the press:

“As a result of numerous recent bankruptcies and the resultant widespread homelessness among Ideal Org and IAS supporters Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige felt compelled to step in and find a compassionate solution for the downstat CICS among his flock.”

Ideal Flophouse apartment

A luxurious Ideal Flophouse apartment glistening with theta!

“All Ideal Org buildings will be converted to Ideal Flophouses so destitute Scientologists have an economical place in which to live and get their ethics in for letting down COB by not making it go right and going broke. Now take note, these are not rent-free poorhouses as we despise those who live “on the dole.” All Scientologists partaking of COB’s magnanimous generosity will be required to pay a reasonable fee for monthly rent – after all these are His buildings paid for with His funds! Moreover they will also be required to keep the buildings clean enough to pass weekly white glove inspections which will be conducted by Sea Org personnel.”

“And for those wondering about the wisdom of this move in light of the original stated purpose for these orgs COB has dictated that all public (existing and yet to discover Scientology) will be serviced by the recently reorganized LA Org!”

“Rest assured that LA Org, in the capable hands of its new crack Sea Org command team, is completely ready to service the 10s and perhaps 100s of new public that were going to be flooding into the new Ideal Orgs! Scientology’s 47x expansion will continue unabated!”

Tired Of The Wog World? Join The Sea Org!


 Does it really make sense to spend 80% of your life raising kids, having a career, going on vacations, etc. when you could be advancing Scientology worldwide instead?

Isn’t there a way to devote 110% of your life towards achieving the goals and purposes of LRH and COB?

Yes there is my friend!

But think of what you’d have to sacrifice…

  • A nagging spouse and bratty kids that drain your precious theta like vampires.
  • An unfulfilling workplace that offers good wages and benefits instead of paying you in valuable Scientology training awards.
  • Delicious meals that just make you fat and unsessionable.
  • Sex which LRH conclusively proved to be created by whole-track psychs and just plain icky.
  • Wasting 8 hours every night sleeping.

And imagine what you’d have to put up with…

  • All of the nourishing beans and rice that you can eat!*
  • Working in a fulfilling work environment with a team of on-purpose Scientologists!*
  • A full 2 hours of sleep every night!*
  • A stable income that allows you the freedom to buy occasional snacks from the canteen!
  • Free health care at the nearby free clinic for the poor!
  • Never worry about being fired as you can’t leave even if you were crazy enough to want to!
  • A comprehensive retirement plan!*
  • Occasionally work outdoors in the fresh air!*
  • Never worry about the headache of planning a vacation ever again!
  • Access to a vast library filled with nothing but wisdom from LRH and COB!


* As long as you can only eat one bowl – actual nourishment not guaranteed.

* On-purpose Scientologists typically consist of screaming sadistic psychopaths.

* 2 hours of sleep only allowed for upstat workers.

* Retirement plan consists of $50 cash and cab fare to the closest homeless shelter.

* Outdoor work only allowed on the RPF. Fresh air may consist of dumpster and sewer fumes.


Big thanks to OTVIIIisGrrr8! for the original image.