The Ferguson QuikTrip was actually looted and burned by psychiatrists!
August 13, 2014 – St. Louis MO USA – The Church of Scientology International issued the following statement today regarding the current scene in St. Louis, MO.
“Contrary to what has been portrayed in the news media of late by the “merchants of chaos”, we in the Church of Scientology want to assure you that St. Louis is still a crime-free utopia thanks to Scientology and the St. Louis Way To Happiness chapter! Reports of a shooting by police sparking rioting, looting and further police brutality are absolutely false. These horrible lies were in fact cooked up by local psychiatrists intent on undoing the good PR Scientology has earned by lowering the crime rate in St. Louis by 100% (per current stats) with our Way To Happiness booklets – just like we recently did for the entire country of Colombia! These wonderful booklets were written by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard and contain life-changing tips that cannot be found anywhere else such as “brush your teeth” and “take an occasional bath.” This priceless knowledge in the hands of police and criminals alike has resulted in a peaceful theta calm spreading over the city of St. Louis. As you can see in the video we’ve shared below, St. Louis was a backwards cesspool of criminality and depravity before Scientology arrived on the scene with our pamphlets of priceless platitudes and personality tests! The psychs and SPs can’t stand that we have changed things for the better and are going berserk in response!”
“As a result of a thorough OSA Int investigation we discovered that all of the media footage you have seen was the result of homeless criminals and mental patients who were bused in by the psychs from East St. Louis and paid to act out scenes of mayhem and destruction! The psychs also joined in and took part in looting and burning a QuikTrip convenience store to the ground! And if that were not enough the psychs even masqueraded as police officers and brutalized local citizens to further sully Scientology’s stellar crimebusting results! Their evil truly knows no bounds!”
“Thankfully our allies in the federal government understand that this is nothing more than a pathetic attempt to black PR the good name of Scientology and L. Ron Hubbard. As a result they ordered the Federal Aviation Administration to enact a no-fly zone over Ferguson to keep out news helicopters who were merely broadcasting psych-manufactured entheta.”
“To sum up St. Louis is still an island of sanity and completely free of any criminal activity thanks to Scientology and The Way To Happiness!”
“And for any Scientologist reading this know that while these reports are obviously false and made up by hateful psychs we will of course use the resulting fear and hysteria to our benefit by raising funds for the IAS and Ideal Orgs. Additionally, in our ongoing effort to elevate and uplift useless shithole cities with our special brand of “theta”, we are happy to announce our plan to build an Ideal Org in East St. Louis! Things are getting better but they are also getting much worse! We are winning but the situation is dire as well!”
“In short dig deep and move up in status today!”
* The Way To Happiness program is a Scientology fundraising scheme wherein the “church” sells overpriced booklets (printed by in-house facilities by Sea Org slave labor for pennies) to gullible (but well-meaning) Scientologists who then hand them out for free. While technically offering good but unoriginal advice it is not a humanitarian effort by the Church of Scientology – it is just yet another moneymaking scheme and front operation.
Posted in Satire, This Is Why (News)
Tagged Barry Coziahr, Claire Coziahr, Ferguson, Freeman Bosley Sr., front groups, IAS, ideal orgs, psychs, RESPONSE! Targeted Marketing, Scientology, St. Louis, The Way To Happiness, TWTH
I was scanning the Scientology-related news headlines yesterday when I saw that FLAG had put out a PRWeb press release about holding a volunteer recognition awards event at the Fort Harrison (where Lisa McPherson tragically died under very suspicious circumstances in 1995). Normally I don’t pay these things much attention as they’re usually vacuous affairs but this time I just happened to take a closer look.
On Memorial Day May 26, the Church of Scientology Flag Service Organization hosted its second annual Volunteer Recognition Awards Event at the Fort Harrison in Downtown Clearwater.
Fifteen groups and individuals received the President’s (U.S.) Volunteer Service Awards which was instituted by the President’s Council on Service and Civic Participation as a way to thank and honor Americans for their volunteer service.
However this was the part that really caught my eye:
“This was the first year that the Church of Scientology Flag Service Organization became a certifying organization for these awards.”
I decided to take a closer look at the recipients of these awards. Surely the cult wouldn’t just give most of them out to Scientologists and Scientology affiliated groups right? Wrong.
From the press release with added notes and links in bold:
The award winners were:
- Criminon Florida (Scientology front group), a non-profit organization whose primary goal is the rehabilitation of the criminal;
- The Clearwater Community Volunteers (CCV) (Scientology front group – info here and here): For their hundreds of hours fundraising for, organizing and carrying out Clearwater’s own Easter Egg Hunt and Winter Wonderland;
- The Clearwater Martin Luther King Neighborhood Coalition (Scientology front group), a diverse group of citizens who saved the Clearwater MLK Community Center from demolition;
- The Community Learning Center (Most likely a Scientology front group, why else would they promote a Scientology Finance Seminar with OTVIII Scientologist Drew Johnston?), whose tutors helped some 360 students to reach their academic goals;
- The East Coast Golden Age Theater (Most likely a bunch of Scientologists, their performances seem to typically be held at Scientology facilities and besides, who else would touch a story written by L. Ron Hubbard?), whose actors provide free performances for the community, schools, and senior citizens, encouraging and inspiring a love of reading in young audiences;
- The Foundation for a Drug Free World Florida (Scientology front group) for educating thousands on the Truth About Drugs through their materials, seminars and other events;
- The Stop the Violence Coalition, St. Petersburg that is helping to reduce crime in high-risk neighborhoods;
- The Way to Happiness Coalition of Florida (Scientology front group) that provides character building education to thousands in Tampa Bay;
- The Washburn Academy Volunteer Youth Core (Scientology “Applied Scholastics” school) for their work with Feeding the Hungry Tampa Bay, providing filled backpacks for children and being all-around volunteers for many different organizations;
- Youth for Human Rights Florida (Scientology front group created to deflect attention from the cult’s own human rights violations), whose volunteers distributed human rights materials but have been canvassing legislators to create legislation which will allow the teaching of the Human Rights Declaration in schools;
- The volunteers of Shriners’ Hospital for Children Tampa who help to interact with parents and the young patients and perform all manner of behind-the-scenes tasks;
- 7-year-old Andi Menaul (age is typo – probably supposed to be 17), (Scientologist working with CCHR, Scientology’s anti-psychiatry front group – info here, here and here) who has not only been volunteering every week for the past four years but has created her own youth group teaching thousands about the dangers of prescription drugs;
- 19-year old Humberto Perez, an architectural student volunteers relentlessly tutoring neighborhood children and helping in the community;
- David Albritton: chair, and member of many local boards who has been working to help Clearwater’s neighborhoods and its downtown; and
- Brigadier General Carrie Nero, the first African American female brigadier general who is now retired but continues to help veterans and youth day in and out.
So out of 15 awards 10 went to Scientologists or Scientology front groups. Yeah nothing at all self serving or disingenuous about that.