Ask COB – Aug 27 2018

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month/year depending on how many lawsuits or suppressive documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: I was driving in Hollywood today and saw a huge billboard advertising a Leah Remini series promoting Scientology to the world. I’m assuming by the theta title that it’s all about how wonderful the world will be after we take over and it’s run on Scientology tech?

Don’t be fooled by she who will not be named’s suppressive trickery!!! She has fallen in with Marcabian psychs and her show is pure entheta paid for by a cabal of international bankers and interstellar suppressive beings determined to stop planetary and galactic clearing! And why are you driving around Hollywood looking at suppressive billboards like a theetie-weetie dilettante when you should be at home watching the only Scientology approved television viewing – Tom Cruise movies and Scientology TV!!!

Dear COB: I’ve been missing your theta advice column for the past year. What have you been up to sir?

Well thanks to the incompetent sacks of shit working for me I’ve been buried in one hill 10 flapping flap after another!!! We’ve been attacked on multiple fronts by Russian psychs, Marcabian space invaders and suppressive Hollywood stars! It’s taken all my OT abilities and LAPD connections just to keep that out-2D no-talent Danny “DJ Donkey Punch” Masterson out of prison! On top of all that I’ve been busy working on the next evolution of Scientology tech – the Golden Age of Tech III (3rd Time’s the Charm). But hey, that’s why I’m the leader of leaders isn’t it?!?

Dear COB: Our ideal org is completely empty even though it cost many millions of dollars and is a shining beacon of theta. When is the public going to flood in for LRH solutions and our ideal org branded coffee sir?

Not to worry, we’ve just hit a bump in the road thanks to a certain A&E (Assholes and Entheta) “documentary” series that is spreading tall tales and suppressive lies from bitter defrocked apostates about the world’s coolest and fastest growing religion. We’ve got a new show debuting soon on Scientology TV that’s sure to turn the tide of wog opinion. It’s called “No Doubt Allowed” and it stars Jenna Elfman and Kirstie Alley as a pair of private detectives who track down blown Sea Org members and bring them to their senses by any means neccessary. It’s sure to be a huge hit!

Dear COB: I watched some of the shows on Scientology TV the other day and it was some of the most boring drivel I’ve ever seen. We dumped millions into Scientology Media Productions and this is what we get? Is anyone really watching this lame shit sir?

I’ll have you know that Scientology TV is now the most popular cable news network worldwide and on average is watched by over 1 billion people every day! You’d know that if you weren’t a drunk downstat failure of a DB (yes I read your confessionals after I got your suppressive question). I’ve also super triple-dog declared you! Consider yourself deadfiled!!!

Dear COB: I recently learned that Sea Org members are now saluting Ideal Org donors. Will you be doing this as well sir? If so I’ll donate 50 bucks!

Are you really that stupid or do you simply have a cluster of whole-track implants restimulated? As the leader of leaders I salute no one other than a big being like myself! And there’s only one of them in this sector of the galaxy and that’s Tom Cruise (plus he’s about the same height so I don’t hurt my neck). Those 3 downstat losers in that photo are only being forced to salute lowly people like you because they’re so incompetent that they can’t clean a row of urinals with a toothbrush (the same ones they use for their own dental hygiene LOL). And oh yeah, be looking for that declare in the mail for visiting that suppressive whole-track implanter Tony Ortega!

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All Org Offices of LRH To Be Remocked as Offices of COB

Office of LRH

One org’s Office of LRH

Since it’s become pretty obvious at this point in time that LRH has “done a bunk” and completely “goofed the floof”, the Church of Scientology has proclaimed that the office of LRH that is found in every Scientology org will now be remocked as the office of COB (glorious Chairman of the Board RTC, captain of the Sea Org and most holy ecclesiastical leader of the Scientology religion, Mr. David Miscavige).

First a bit of history. Per policy every Scientology org is required to maintain an office for L. Ron Hubbard. This goes back to the days when he would travel from org to org and thus required his own office that was stocked with all his required office supplies such as cigarettes, rum, and bottles of “pinks and greys.”

In accordance with this RTC directive COB’s office in each org is to be furnished with the following items:

    • Four telephone books (3″ thick minimum) for COB’s office chair so that he can tower over CICS (counter-intentioned cocksucker) staff members while berating them for their incompetence
    • A fresh carton of mild and refreshing Kancer-Killing Kool cigarettes
    • A large window that from which cannot be viewed a “Scientology and the Aftermath” billboard or any such suppressive advertisements
    • The following framed poster-size and totally not gay photo of COB and his bestest pal Tom on their manly bikes
    • A case of Macallan scotch (2 cases if international org stats are down – so basically 2 cases at all times)
    • A small chair and table in the corner where Tom Cruise can play quietly while COB does his important work
    • A framed wedding photo for the desk of COB with his non-existent wife airbrushed out
    • Telex machine for sending orders to Int Base (such as who to throw in “The Hole”, beatings schedule updates, etc).

All orgs must comply with this RTC directive immediately and as this is the ecclesiastical leader of our religion cost is no object, even if staff pay needs to be suspended indefinitely. COB is the hardest working Scientologist and we’re sure you’ll agree that he deserves the finest, most upstat surroundings and furnishings in which to sip scotch and throttle underperforming staff.

A Hymn of Scientology Expansion

This was inspired by John Alex Wood’s latest bit of nonsense on Twitter…

John Alex Wood Scientology Tweet

Sung to the tune of Jesus Loves Me:

We’re expanding this I know
For Miscavige tells me so
All orgs will be Saint Hill size
Critics’ mouths are filled with lies

Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Miscavige tells me so

Ideal orgs will do a treat
Flood our cult with fresh raw meat
Anyone who disagrees
I must disconnect from thee

Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Miscavige tells me so

Stats that reach toward the sky
A cleared planet is surely nigh
A wink and twinkle in his eye
COB would never lie

Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Yes, we’re expanding
Cuz Slappy tells me so

No one’s coming in our orgs
They all laugh and say we’re Borg
Little man upon a stage
Masks his shame with slaps of rage

Rev Slappy Miscavige

The Pied Piper of Hemet – Rev. Slappy Miscavige

 

Ask COB – Dec 17 2015

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: Why did you order the Introspection Rundown for Lisa McPherson?

An excellent question! The brilliant reasoning behind my ordering the introspection rundown for Lisa McPherson comes from powerful OT knowledge from far down our future track. Unfortunately this means it’s super confidential. However I can tell you that the main reason I knew this to be a necessary action was the act of Lisa leaving her credit cards by the side of the road when she disrobed after her car accident. There is nothing a Scientologist cherishes more than their credit cards as they are the key to spiritual freedom! A Scientologist would rather abandon their BT-infested children on the side of the road than their precious credit cards. Once I heard this I knew drastic measures had to be taken!

And my plan would have worked if not for the dastardly Paulette Cooper working in concert with German psychs and government-sponsored saboteurs! They managed to sneak past security and terminatedly exteriorize our beloved Lisa with an untraceable poison. And then they had the gall to try and pin it on us – the fastest growing religion in the universe!

Dear COB: What are you getting your beloved wife Shelly for Christmas?

That bitch’s stats are down but I’m giving her a lovely gift nonetheless – one coupon good for getting out of an ecclesiastical beating!

Dear COB: We’re all playing the game of giving LRH ideal orgs for Christmas but I was wondering what you’d like to see under the tree sir?

I’d be happy with Mike and Marty‘s heads mounted on top of 2 bottles of 50 year old Macallan single malt scotch. It’d be like Pez for alcoholic sociopaths!

Dear COB: I was just wondering, what’s your favorite Tom Cruise film sir?

Definitely the wedding night video I secretly recorded of him and Katie. Thankfully the angle I chose for the hidden camera ensured that most of the video is of Tom’s ass. So theta!

Merry Christmas From the Church of Scientology!

Scientology Christmas

And every Christmas while his BT-infested offspring were dreaming of sugar plums and ethics commendations in their stockings old Tubby would steal their presents to pay for his beloved cheap rum and “pinks and grays.”

Ask COB – Sept 15 2015

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: I haven’t seen Heber Jentzsch in ages sir? Where is he and what’s he up to?

Heber was exiled sent to Target 2 to help LRH prepare it for global clearing. However he still sends telexes like this from time to time…

Dearest Captain Miscavige,

Target 2 is absolute paradise and LRH and I pal around all the time. Thanks for sending me!

Your pal forever,

Heber

Dear COB: Where’s Mike Rinder?

Mike was declared SP for his for his complete failure to handle the suppressive elements in the UK like this guy. Now my only terminal over there is John Alex Wood who spends more time running dating site scams and making sexual advances toward Monty Python members on social media. Fucking useless…

Dear COB: Where’s Debbie Cook?

Alright enough of this! I am the only management terminal you need to have any attention on! Everyone else is either declared or on an important mission. If I get one more question like this I’ll declare all 10,000 25,000,000 Scientologists en masse!!!

Dear COB: I think it’s absolutely outrageous that “Going Clear” won 3 Emmys this past week! What are we doing about this sir?

Well first off we conducted a thorough investigation of the Emmy voters and found that every one of them was a German psych taking orders directly from the emperor of the planet Marcab! Our next step is to take out full page ads in all of the world’s major newspapers to expose this interstellar conspiracy! The Emmy committee won’t know what hit them when they’re exposed as the treasonous extraterrestrial lizard people that they are!!!

Dear COB: I hear your dad is writing a book. Will we be regaled with fun stories of your childhood sir?

Unfortunately dear old dad has succumbed to advanced dementia and is prone to telling rambling tall tales with absolutely no basis in reality. Any stories about me strangling kittens or hitting preclears are figments of his imagination!

All Scientology Ideal Org Videos To Be Remade In 4K 3D – Emergency Fundraising To Begin Immediately!

empty scientology org

One of the many Scientology orgs that sit empty and lifeless thanks to suppressive poor quality informational videos – credit idleorgs.com

Upon learning that Scientology’s international statistics were plummeting worldwide the ecclesiastical leader of the Scientology religion, Chairman of the Board RTC and Captain of the Sea Org Mr. David Miscavige, leapt into action and quickly assembled a crack team of investigators to get to the bottom of this dire emergency. After all, the future of our beloved religion was at stake!

What COB and his investigative team from International Management discovered has truly rocked the foundations of the Ideal Org program. Their analysis revealed that that lower definition non-3D videos in the org informational centers were to blame. The lower resolution and lack of 3D was causing misduplication of Scientology’s priceless wisdom among all of the raw meat, dead-in-the-head WOGs who walked into the orgs to learn more about the world’s fastest growing religion!

As a result per COB’s orders we are instituting an emergency program to remake all Scientology Ideal Org informational videos in glorious super high-definition 4K 3D just as LRH originally intended. Moreover those who created the original videos in shitty 1080P non-3D format have been declared suppressive and permanently excommunicated from the church. May the author of the universe have mercy on their souls.

This project will cost hundreds of millions of dollars but with the future of our religion and indeed the fate of the entire planet at stake Scientology parishioners have no choice but to dig deep and often to make this go right! But as we all know per Int Management surveys all Scientologists love an exciting fundraiser! Special honor statuses are available to those who make an extraordinary and credit-creaking contribution to this important program. Additionally those whose contributions are so great as to force them to file bankruptcy will be allowed to stay at an Ideal Flophouse free of charge for a limited time.