Join us here each week (or month/year depending on how many lawsuits or suppressive documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.
Dear COB: I was driving in Hollywood today and saw a huge billboard advertising a Leah Remini series promoting Scientology to the world. I’m assuming by the theta title that it’s all about how wonderful the world will be after we take over and it’s run on Scientology tech?
Don’t be fooled by she who will not be named’s suppressive trickery!!! She has fallen in with Marcabian psychs and her show is pure entheta paid for by a cabal of international bankers and interstellar suppressive beings determined to stop planetary and galactic clearing! And why are you driving around Hollywood looking at suppressive billboards like a theetie-weetie dilettante when you should be at home watching the only Scientology approved television viewing – Tom Cruise movies and Scientology TV!!!
Dear COB: I’ve been missing your theta advice column for the past year. What have you been up to sir?
Well thanks to the incompetent sacks of shit working for me I’ve been buried in one hill 10 flapping flap after another!!! We’ve been attacked on multiple fronts by Russian psychs, Marcabian space invaders and suppressive Hollywood stars! It’s taken all my OT abilities and LAPD connections just to keep that out-2D no-talent Danny “DJ Donkey Punch” Masterson out of prison! On top of all that I’ve been busy working on the next evolution of Scientology tech – the Golden Age of Tech III (3rd Time’s the Charm). But hey, that’s why I’m the leader of leaders isn’t it?!?
Dear COB: Our ideal org is completely empty even though it cost many millions of dollars and is a shining beacon of theta. When is the public going to flood in for LRH solutions and our ideal org branded coffee sir?
Not to worry, we’ve just hit a bump in the road thanks to a certain A&E (Assholes and Entheta) “documentary” series that is spreading tall tales and suppressive lies from bitter defrocked apostates about the world’s coolest and fastest growing religion. We’ve got a new show debuting soon on Scientology TV that’s sure to turn the tide of wog opinion. It’s called “No Doubt Allowed” and it stars Jenna Elfman and Kirstie Alley as a pair of private detectives who track down blown Sea Org members and bring them to their senses by any means neccessary. It’s sure to be a huge hit!
Dear COB: I watched some of the shows on Scientology TV the other day and it was some of the most boring drivel I’ve ever seen. We dumped millions into Scientology Media Productions and this is what we get? Is anyone really watching this lame shit sir?
I’ll have you know that Scientology TV is now the most popular cable news network worldwide and on average is watched by over 1 billion people every day! You’d know that if you weren’t a drunk downstat failure of a DB (yes I read your confessionals after I got your suppressive question). I’ve also super triple-dog declared you! Consider yourself deadfiled!!!
Dear COB: I recently learned that Sea Org members are now saluting Ideal Org donors. Will you be doing this as well sir? If so I’ll donate 50 bucks!
Are you really that stupid or do you simply have a cluster of whole-track implants restimulated? As the leader of leaders I salute no one other than a big being like myself! And there’s only one of them in this sector of the galaxy and that’s Tom Cruise (plus he’s about the same height so I don’t hurt my neck). Those 3 downstat losers in that photo are only being forced to salute lowly people like you because they’re so incompetent that they can’t clean a row of urinals with a toothbrush (the same ones they use for their own dental hygiene LOL). And oh yeah, be looking for that declare in the mail for visiting that suppressive whole-track implanter Tony Ortega!