Join us here each week as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.
Dear COB: I’ve been feeling depressed and I’ve even considered suicide on several occasions. What should I do sir?
Well first and foremost put the Church of Scientology and the IAS in your will. After that beat the blues by donating everything you can to our ideal org campaigns and the IAS. Moving up in status is always guaranteed to cheer you up!
Dear COB: Jon Atack said some terrible things about LRH on Tony Ortega’s hater blog. What should I do to strike a blow against this suppressive enemy sir?
Well first off Jon Atack is a fucking theetie-weetie little pussy. LRH knew that it’s a rough and tumble universe and it takes a tough-as-nails steely being to navigate out of the trap that is this psych-infested MEST universe. So if that means hot boxing a carton of smokes while surrounding yourself with jailbait assistants and throwing downstat slackers overboard then so be it. That being said the best way to strike an effective blow against this suppressive is to sell everything you own and donate it to the IAS. Move up in status!
Dear COB: Our local ideal org has been empty for months despite millions of dollars of cosmetic improvements. What should we do sir?
After careful examination of your org’s stats I’ve concluded that it must be torn down and rebuilt to even grander dimensions. I recently discovered that a building that is less than 50,000 square feet and insufficient in gaudy slendor is invisible to wogs. This is why most wogs cannot find their way home after a night of drinking. Their tiny wog houses are too small and too plain for them to see. What you can do is start moving up in ideal org status as $30 million is needed to bring your org up to my newly revised standards. In short, move up in status!
Dear COB: I just found out that my new neighbor is a psychiatrist. What should I do sir?
Unless you want to be declared suppressive for being in the vicinity of a whole-track SP you’ll need to handle your neighbor. I’ve found that the most effective methods are killing their pets and nailing them to the front door, sending them child pornography and alerting the police, and in the most extreme cases running the R2-45 process on them.
If you decide to go with the child porn setup take note that I’ve instructed all DSAs to keep a supply of high quality kiddie porn on hand. This supply is courtesy of our friend Sheriff Lee Baca who graciously donated issues of “Young Rumps” and “Kindergarten Temptresses” that were confiscated from criminals during sting operations (including many that we set up in the first place – how’s that for irony? LOL) Also keep in mind that “SPs framed for possession of child pornography” is a stat for your local DSA so this also helps your org in the Birthday Game.