Tag Archives: Scientology

Celebrity Centre Puts 85-Year-Old Through Purification Rundown

celebrity centre 85 year old purification rundown

Celebrity Centre International in Los Angeles is actually promoting that they put an 85-year-old through the brutally rigorous and medically dangerous purification rundown. This program is very rough even on young adults and to put elderly people and children through it is medically unconscionable in my opinion.

“Starting this procedure, I honestly had doubt, since I have never done drugs or alcohol. However, I am a soon to be 86-year old woman who has had many medical and dental procedures utilizing Novocain and anesthetics. I also had constant sunburns on the Southern California beaches and many X-rays. I was startled to see the dark red flushes and restimulation of many mosquito bites (they love me), horrible pain in both jaws from tooth implants and root canals, then the surprising draining of my sinuses (from years of hay fever) that restored my long lost sense of smell. There have been additional wins, but you get the idea. Big surprises! All that stuff is gone! Thank you all, and most of all, thank you LRH.” — BB

Mace Kingsley Wants To Get Your Child On The Bridge!

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mace kingsley children on scientology bridge 2

Today’s children will become tomorrow’s Sea Org slaves

Mace Kingsley wants to get your kids on and up the bridge because it’s never too early to start indoctrinating people into the Scientology cult. Hell, they’ll even start auditing your kid in the womb! This of course makes for tricky metering but hey… they’re pros at warming up those cans first. 😉

Ask COB – Jan 15 2015

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: I keep getting pressured to donate money for the new Scientology media center in Los Angeles. I don’t understand the need for this costly new facility when Gold is fully capable of handling all of our multimedia production needs. Can you clear this up for me sir?

First let’s put aside your backflash and CI on donating toward the most important cause in all of the galaxies and universes in totality and eternity! The reason is simple – Gold is now devoted entirely to producing international management events and photoshopping my images to ensure a youthful and theta appearance. Gold staff members are so incompetent and downstat that they can scarcely even handle that! Hence the immediate need for a new multimedia production facility devoted entirely to reaching new dead-in-the-head wog raw meat with hypnotic videos that match the public’s chronically low tone level.

Now about that CI on donating… how dare you question my wisdom you backflashing c**ksucker!!! I’ve contacted your local registrar and if I don’t hear back that you’ve donated at least $100,000 toward this vital new program I’ll personally declare you SP!!!

Dear COB: I recently visited FLAG and the Super Power building was completely empty with no public to be found. What gives sir?

The Super Power building was temporarily closed because some little pussy (now declared) puked all over the motion perception machine and shorted out the electronics. This required a full top-to-bottom cleaning of the entire building and a comprehensive white glove inspection by RTC. Rest assured that the building is now open and public are flooding in from around the world like never before!

Dear COB: I recently learned that HBO is going to air a documentary about Scientology that will no doubt be pure entheta. What should we do to fight back sir?

This is yet another important reason to donate as much as you possibly can toward the huge new Scientology media center we’re building in LA. It will be used in part to fight entheta media companies like HBO which factually was recently bought by a shadowy group of psychs! Their plan is to flood the airwaves with their psych filth designed to key in the public’s whole-track implants.

The calibre of the programming we have lined up so far is of such high quality that our ratings will be straight up and vertical while HBO’s will be completely downstat. There is no doubt that HBO will be bankrupt in 1 years time and Scientology’s cable channel will be #1 in the ratings – I personally guarantee it. After all – who would waste time watching garbage like The Sopranos when Top Gun is on 18 hours every day!

Dear COB: I’m 9 years old and in the 3rd grade. My class is doing Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory for our school play and we need one more person to play an Ooompa Loompa. You’re the right height sir, will you help us out?

Why you vile little…! I’ve just declared your whole family SP! Moreover I’ve dispatched a team of ethics officers to come take all your toys and destroy them in front of you!!!

Become a Tool for Life at the Young Scientologists’ Convention!

young scientologist's convention

Hey kids, how would you like to move up in status as a Scientologist by becoming a “tool” for life? Well now you can at the Young Scientologists’ Tools For Life Convention aboard the Freewinds!

Here are just a few of the exciting things you’ll learn!

  • Special techniques to effectively overcome your friends’ resistance to joining Scientology – the super rad and fastest growing religion in the galaxy
  • How to disconnect from downstat friends without becoming misemotional or becoming enturbulated
  • How to safely avoid internet entheta and suppressive hate sites
  • How bullying can actually prepare you for a fulfilling career in the Sea Org
  • Effectively reporting on your family members and friends to your org’s ethics officer (includes free “iSnitch” iPhone app)
  • Advanced fundraising techniques you can use to raise money for your Ideal Org and the IAS

And that’s not all! In addition to all of the seminars and workshops there are plenty of fun activities to enjoy!

  • Deck swabbing
  • Bilge cleaning
  • Camp-outs in the ship’s chain locker
  • Fun-filled interviews with Sea Org recruiters
  • Excursions to beautiful islands to hand out free personality tests and sell Dianetics books*
  • Spend a fun-filled day in the RPF!
  • Watch an informative 4 hour video briefing from COB!!!
  • An all day Tom Cruise film festival
  • Attend an exclusive IAS briefing where you’ll learn how our new global media center is going to boom Scientology like never before!
  • Listen to a recently discovered LRH lecture where you’ll learn the powerful whole-track technique for writing awesome popular music that LRH used on the multi-platinum and Grammy winning “Road to Freedom”!!!

So join us this January on the Freewinds – it’ll be so theta!!!!

Legal disclaimers:

*Diving photo not representative of actual convention activity.

*Failure to meet sales quota will result in being overboarded.

*Bonus camera workshop only available to those who make their Dianetics book sales quota.

Scientology Year One (2015) – The Spaceship Takes Off For Target Two!

scientology new year spaceship

Get ready for Year One in Scientology (that’s 2015 for you downstat wogs). That’s when the spaceship takes off for target two! We’re on our way Ron and we’re bringing a carton of Kools sir!

P.S. Commodore – We’re leaving Kirstie Alley behind – our cargo area can’t hold that much food and she keeps wanting to bring her smelly pack of lemurs.

Ask COB – Nov 16 2014

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: I recently finished OT VII and Super Power yet I still can’t stop lustily wolfing down cakes and pies like there’s no tomorrow. It’s especially embarrassing since it makes my Organic Liaison weight loss program look like a complete fraud. What should I do sir?

Well Kirstie, this is a complex havingness issue that can only be remedied by going back to the bottom of the bridge and redoing your purif and objectives. You need to sweat out those toxic glutens and all that sludge from fruity fillings. After your purif you will do the Survival Rundown which will free you from the restimulative effects of tasty cakes and pies.

Additionally I’m C/Sing you for the Cause Resurgence rundown which used to be called the running program. I’m doing this because… well it’s obvious isn’t it?

Dear COB: I keep being hounded by OTC fundraisers asking for more and more money for our ideal org. I simply have nothing more to give and actually had to file bankruptcy recently. What should I do sir?

This is outrageous! You need to sit down and write up a detailed KR immediately… on yourself you counter-intentioned, c**ksucking, namby pamby, theetie wheetie degraded being! I expect a full and complete outline of all your crimes and why you’re determined to make me wrong!!!

Dear COB: We opened our Ideal Org 6 months ago and nobody new is coming in at all. What should we do sir?

Well obviously you have at least one SP on staff as the Ideal Org program has been proven beyond a doubt to be flawless and guarantees a torrent of new public! I’m sending my most ruthless team of sec-checkers to root out anyone who has counter-intention on straight up and vertical expansion. Rest assured that 24-hour gangbang sec-checks will get to the bottom of your org’s failure!

Dear COB: You’re in such great shape and I would love to get trim and fit like you. What would you recommend sir?

Well, thank you for noticing! I do enjoy staying fit (unlike old Tubby Hubbard) and I’m a big fan of golden rod squats. Every morning upon rising I do 100 reps wherein I squat down upon a lightly lubricated and electrified goldenrod and quickly jump up to a standing position. A nice side effect is that this always produces a generous sperm sample for our church’s Ideal Child Program.

I also recommend a vigorous boxing workout. Punching bags are unnecessary since I have a generous supply of downstat executives whose faces need punching.

Joey From The Sea Org Is Here To Help You Find Your Purpose!

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Joey Collewijn at Celebrity Centre International is here to help you find your purpose in the Sea Org!

This not at all cheesy and predatory looking young man has but a singular purpose – to help you find your purpose in life (which unsurprisingly involves a life of Sea Org slave labor and 18 hour workdays). Whether that purpose is peeling potatoes in the galley, polishing commodes with toothbrushes until they sparkle, or swabbing the deck on an asbestos-laden ghost ship you’ll know that you’re forwarding command intention during your billion year contract!

And if you’re one of the lucky ones, you too might get to sit on picturesque balconies while selling billion-year enslavement to unsuspecting saps who will only see picturesque balconies in forbidden magazines while sneaking a 5 minute break.

Call Joey today – your future awaits!