Tag Archives: L. Ron Hubbard

Race For LRH’s Birthday!!!

2015 Scientology birthday game

Hey folks, are you ready to play the Ideal Org game?!? After all it’s only money and old Tubby Hubbard’s cakes don’t come cheap!

And gosh, look what the winning org gets. An acknowledgement party put on by none other than those wild and crazy cats at CLO WUS*! You know what they say – ain’t no party like a CLO WUS party!!!!!

* Continental Liason Organization Western U.S.

Scientology Year One (2015) – The Spaceship Takes Off For Target Two!

scientology new year spaceship

Get ready for Year One in Scientology (that’s 2015 for you downstat wogs). That’s when the spaceship takes off for target two! We’re on our way Ron and we’re bringing a carton of Kools sir!

P.S. Commodore – We’re leaving Kirstie Alley behind – our cargo area can’t hold that much food and she keeps wanting to bring her smelly pack of lemurs.

Church of Scientology Celebrates Banned Books Week

book burning

Scientologists Celebrating Banned Books Week at an Ideal Org Book Burning!

In honor of Banned Books Week (Sept. 21-27) the Church of Scientology has issued its current list of books that it has forbidden all Scientologists to read. Scientology spokesclam Karin Kapow explains:

“Banned Books Week is a wonderful yearly event that celebrates the right of ethical people to forbid the reading of vulgar and dangerous books that can threaten one’s eternity and sanity. All too often these days young minds are being poisoned by psych-created drivel like The Secret, The Power of Positive Thinking and The Power of Now. People must be protected from false data and entheta lest they become PTS and ‘goof the floof’ for all eternity.”

“In celebration of this wonderful week-long event we have compiled the following list of books that no Scientologist may ever read under penalty of expulsion from the Scientology religion. All were written by either bitter defrocked, lying doodoo-head apostates or slimy tabloid reporters guilty of sickening sex crimes and other depraved acts.”

The Unbreakable Miss Lovely by Tony Ortega – Long-time anti-Scientologist and tabloid journalist Tony Ortega has concocted a far-fetched and completely devoid of truth tale of another disgraced “journalist” supposedly being harassed by the completely benevolent and beloved worldwide Church of Scientology.

In truth Paulette Cooper was a Nazi spy working on behalf of German war criminals who sought to destroy L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology while stealing his priceless nuclear research! She was even known to fly to Mars to cavort with Fifth Invader Fleet officers! Following the orders of her suppressive friends she wrote a scandalous piece of trash entitled The Scandal of Scientology that was packed to the hilt with lies and dared to defame the beloved founder of Scientology and greatest friend mankind has ever known! Following its publication she fabricated stories of church operative being out to get her and drive her mad. The factual data is that the church’s only interactions with Ms. Cooper were to surround her with friends that tried to get her into an org so she could clear her misunderstood words and do clay demos of her misdeeds.

And for his part Mr. Ortega has been exposed as an operative working on the behalf of the Illuminati and the Marcab Confederacy! Avoid this vile book at all costs except to burn it on sight!

Blown For Good by Mark Headley – Mr. Headley claims to have worked closely with Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige but in actuality he was a low-level video editor who was fired from Gold for using church resources to produce extremely explicit midget porn. COB wept for days when this book was released, so venomous were its lies and false characterizations of him.

What is Wrong With Scientology by Marty “Ratface Fink” Rathbun – Mr. Rathbun claims to have been a high ranking official in the Church of Scientology but in actuality never rose higher in rank than Sanitation and Janitorial I/C in the Sea Org. He has also falsely claimed to have been Tom Cruise’s auditor. In actual fact Mr. Cruise has the privilege of having only ever been audited by the finest auditor on the planet, Class XVII auditor Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige.

Abuse at the Top by Amy Scobie – Another collection of lies written by someone falsely claiming to have been a former high ranking official in the Church of Scientology. COB has never beat his staff let alone any of his workers!

Counterfeit Dreams by Jefferson Hawkins – Mr. Hawkins claims a long history of working for the Church of Scientology and even has the audacity of claiming to have created the highly successful Dianetics television campaign in the 1980’s. This campaign was in fact conceived and fully executed by Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige who factually had no help from his incompetent CICS staff!

Beyond Belief: My Secret Life Inside Scientology and My Harrowing Escape by Jenna Miscavige Hill – This book is so full of bald-faced lies that we don’t know where to begin. Ms. Hill claims to be Mr. Miscavige’s niece but her story is belied by the fact that Mr. Miscavige is an orphan who was adopted by L. Ron Hubbard. The family photos in the book are all photoshopped fakes.

Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and the Prison of Belief by Lawrence Wright – Mr. Wright claims to be a journalist but in actuality his only job before hashing together this repulsive collection of half-truths and false allegations from bitter defrocked apostates was as a writer of pulp pornography such as “Doggie Style Duchesses With Dildos” and “Cock Gobbling Coochies.”

Inside Scientology: The Story of America’s Most Secretive Religion by Janet Reitman – Yet another collection of fabrications and fantasy from a so-called reporter who until recently was actually a crack smoking prostitute working on Hollywood Blvd.

The Church of Fear: Inside The Weird World of Scientology by John Sweeney – A delusional fantasy from the UK tabloid reporter infamous for screaming at kind-hearted and beloved Scientology spokesperson Tommy Davis. Mr. Sweeney’s pack of lies is to be avoided at all costs!

Let’s Sell These People A Piece of Blue Sky: Hubbard, Dianetics and Scientology by Jon Atack – Mr. Atack was recently declared a Plutonium Degratorious SP with Extreme Dishonors by COB himself. That’s all that really has to be said for this steaming pile of dung.

Bare-Faced Messiah : A Biography of L. Ron Hubbard by Russell Miller – The only true biography of LRH is the L. Ron Hubbard Complete Biographical Encyclopedia (available for $800 from Bridge Publications or $30-40 on eBay). It was compiled by the Church of Scientology so you know it’s 100% factual and accurate. Mr. Miller’s book is nothing but balderdash and poppycock.

If you are a Scientologist who has made the grave error of reading one of these forbidden books your only recourse is to pull out your credit cards and immediately move up in IAS and Ideal Org status. Your eternity depends on it!!!

Note: This post was updated on Sept 1, 2015 to include Tony Ortega’s venomous anti-Scientology trash.

Mace-Kingsley Warns Radiation Is Everywhere!

mace-kingsley-purif-mailer

Radiation is Everywhere!!!

And the solution to the constant bombardment of radiation is… the Scientology purification rundown at Mace-Kingsley!!!!

According to the “medical experts” at Mace-Kingsley everyday sources of deadly radiation include:

  • Cell Phones & Towers
  • Microwaves
  • TVs
  • Computers
  • Plane Flights
  • Nuclear Power Plants
  • Medical Tests
  • Radiated Food
  • Airport Security
  • Scanners
  • Power Lines
  • Household
  • Wiring
  • Electrical Appliances
  • Radon Gas in Buildings
  • Sunlight
  • Very Bright Moonlight
  • Automobiles
  • Bicycles
  • Trees
  • Marcabian Spies
  • Wog Schools
  • Restimulated Body Thetans
  • Very Dense Farts
  • Non-Scientologists
  • Non-LRH Books
  • SMERSH
  • Psychs!!!

Even if you’ve only been exposed to one of these you are in grave danger!!!

Per Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard (acclaimed nuclear physicist and professor emeritus of quackery, woo and flimflammery at the esteemed University of Bulgravia) radiation quickly builds up in your body and scrambles your thinking – and only Scientology can save you!

It is a proven fact that the only places on earth that are safe from the constant deadly onslaught of deadly radiation are the specially shielded purif saunas at Churches of Scientology and Mace-Kingsley!!!

In short radiation is everywhere and it is infecting your body as you read this! If your child does not do their purification rundown at Mace-Kingsley they could lose their eternity!!!

mace-kingsley-purif-mailer2

And don’t forget that with the new Golden Age of Tech Phase 2 purification rundown you get to wear the spiffy new GAT2 purif-exclusive radiation-blocking uniform!! Here you can see it modeled by Mace-Kingsley’s most recent purification rundown completion who is also our new purif I/C!

Scientology purification rundown completion

Mace-Kingsley’s new purif I/C looks forward to supervising your little ones in the sauna!!!

Do not hesitate as your child’s eternity is at stake – Do the purification rundown at Mace-Kingsley today!!!

Tired Of The Wog World? Join The Sea Org!

join-the-sea-org-top-section

 Does it really make sense to spend 80% of your life raising kids, having a career, going on vacations, etc. when you could be advancing Scientology worldwide instead?

Isn’t there a way to devote 110% of your life towards achieving the goals and purposes of LRH and COB?

Yes there is my friend!

But think of what you’d have to sacrifice…

  • A nagging spouse and bratty kids that drain your precious theta like vampires.
  • An unfulfilling workplace that offers good wages and benefits instead of paying you in valuable Scientology training awards.
  • Delicious meals that just make you fat and unsessionable.
  • Sex which LRH conclusively proved to be created by whole-track psychs and just plain icky.
  • Wasting 8 hours every night sleeping.

And imagine what you’d have to put up with…

  • All of the nourishing beans and rice that you can eat!*
  • Working in a fulfilling work environment with a team of on-purpose Scientologists!*
  • A full 2 hours of sleep every night!*
  • A stable income that allows you the freedom to buy occasional snacks from the canteen!
  • Free health care at the nearby free clinic for the poor!
  • Never worry about being fired as you can’t leave even if you were crazy enough to want to!
  • A comprehensive retirement plan!*
  • Occasionally work outdoors in the fresh air!*
  • Never worry about the headache of planning a vacation ever again!
  • Access to a vast library filled with nothing but wisdom from LRH and COB!

join-the-sea-org-bottom-section

* As long as you can only eat one bowl – actual nourishment not guaranteed.

* On-purpose Scientologists typically consist of screaming sadistic psychopaths.

* 2 hours of sleep only allowed for upstat workers.

* Retirement plan consists of $50 cash and cab fare to the closest homeless shelter.

* Outdoor work only allowed on the RPF. Fresh air may consist of dumpster and sewer fumes.

 

Big thanks to OTVIIIisGrrr8! for the original image.

Jon Atack Declared Plutonium Degratorious SP with Extreme Dishonors For All Eternity!

The Slanderous SP Jon Atack!

The Slanderous SP Jon Atack!

Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige, the beloved ecclesiastical leader of the Church of Scientology, has personally declared Jon Atack a Plutonium Degratorious SP with Extreme Dishonors for all eternity!

Jon has been found guilty of the ultra-high crime of besmirching the holy name of LRH, the founder of Scientology and source of its technology. Jon has been hatefully slandering our founder with entheta and outright lies for a while now over at infamous hater Tony Ortega’s blog but today’s “The games L. Ron Hubbard played” post put him over the top in COB’s book (Warning – Do not click these links unless you have explicit OSA approval to view extreme entheta!)

Jon is not to contact the International Justice Chief nor is he eligible to do steps A-J as he is too far down the chute. His whole track is to consist of only misery and suffering from here on out. Moreover, all Scientologists are ordered to do their worst to Jon under the “Fair Game” policy (while continuing to deny its use and existence of course).

Mace-Kingsley Heals Blind Child With Scientology!

Well praise the lord Scientology heals the blind! Well at least according to those whacky folks at Mace-Kingsley it does. And when her parents say that “She really seems to have taken more responsibility and become more aware” does that mean she audited out her whole track overts from millions of years ago that were causing her blindness? Because it sure sounds like that’s what they mean.

Did baby blow up a planet and get blinded by the explosion? Well that’s nothing Mace-Kingsley can’t fix with “the miracle of LRH’s technology” and a boatload of cash from mommy and daddy.

And of course her improvements had absolutely nothing to do with her doctors – nope, why they’re just suppressive wog medicos – what do they know? They’d probably suppressively deny this poor child the lifesaving benefits of the purification rundown which Mace-Kingsley will likely have her doing soon since all kids are chock full of drugs and toxins!

You’re never too young to spend 30-40 days in a sauna choking down handfuls of vitamins and magic woo – hope baby likes cal-mag!

Wonder what the FDA would have to say about this?

Mace-Kingsley Heals Blind Child mailer image 1

Mace-Kingsley Heals Blind Child mailer image 2

The most miraculous things have happened with my daughter since starting her auditing at Mace-Kingsley. She was born with a rare eye disease and began seeing eye specialists at two months old. We were told that she was about legally blind and would likely lose her vision.

Before starting her auditing, she was obviously visually impaired quite a bit; she would not hold eye contact or track an object with her eyes. We were seeing retina specialists, pediatric ophthalmologists, neurologists and physical therapists regularly. She started her auditing and the most amazing things began to happen. She was suddenly so in communication! She started looking at people and objects! She became more independent and more out going.

She now no longer has to see doctors all the time. Her retina specialist said that her eyes are repairing themselves and we now only see him once every two months (whereas before it was every two weeks). She no longer attends physical therapy as she met all of her Physical Therapy goals way ahead of schedule!

She really seems to have taken more responsibility and become more aware. I’m so proud of her! And she can definitely see very well now! I know that making the decision to get her auditing here was the right thing. I know its going to have a huge impact on the rest of her life.

Thanks to the awesome staff at Mace-Kingsley and to her auditor, Diane! And of course thanks to LRH for this amazing technology. Words can’t really express my gratitude.”

~C.N., parent of a 12-month old

Scientology Churches To Hold Ideal Orgy Fundraisers

Ideal Orgy

Dedicated Scientologists Moving Up In Status At A Recent Ideal Orgy!

In an effort to reverse shrinking attendance to Ideal Org fundraising events Chairman of the Board RTC has announced that all orgs are to commence holding Ideal Orgies to raise money for Ideal Orgs. Under this exciting new program those who donate sufficient amounts of money will be allowed to engage in sex acts with a staff member of their choice and even celebrity Scientologists when they are in attendance! Your status level will dictate which sex act you can engage in – all the way from “feel my finger” to “facials” and full-blown vaginal and anal sex. And as it should be expected sex with celebrity and VIP Scientologists will cost extra with pricing set on a tiered donation level based on the celeb/VIP’s popularity. For example, to get a blowjob from Jenna Elfman, Jason Dohring or Erika Christensen would cost approximately $100,000 while one would actually get paid to fuck Kirstie Alley (sorry Kirstie but your habit of eating roast lemur and sardine sandwiches during sex kinda kills it for most folks).

Orange County got the ball (or balls if you will) rolling with their recent “You Suck Cocks on Hollywood Blvd.” fundraiser as you can see in the above photo. But the other orgs with fundraising to complete won’t be outdone by OC, oh no sirree. Here are just a few of the upcoming Ideal Orgy events:

  • Atlanta Org – “Atlanta Is Burning And So Is My Snatch”
  • Chicago Org – “Get Blown In The Windy City”
  • Boston Org – “Get A Face Full Of Clam Chowdah For Ron”
  • Munich Org – “Munching Cocks and Pussy In Munich”
  • Salt Lake City Org – “Let’s All Get 1.1 For L. Ron!”
  • Austin Org – “Get Your Cock Smoked At Our Rooster BBQ!”
  • Kansas City Org – “Hump Around Like A Bunch Of Kansas City Faggots For LRH”
  • Albuquerque Org – “I’ll Be Quirky When Getting My Freak On In Albuquerque”
  • St. Louis Org – “Getting Screwy In St. Louie”

Here are just a few of the success stories from recent Ideal Orgies:

“I took responsibility for my 4th dynamic and got my cock sucked by that cute receptionist at my org at the same time. How awesome is that? COB has outdone himself with brilliance!!!”

“I went fully exterior while I was straight up and vertical in the HAS!”

“I blew my wad and a huge chunk of case! Thank you COB!!!!!!!!!!”

“I got cornholed with an e-meter can by my favorite PC! So much tonearm action!”

“I was overjoyed to learn that COB will watch every Ideal Orgy video – it made everything hotter by a magnitude of 1000% for me. It is truly thrilling to think that COB will masturbate furiously while watching me give it good and hard to my org’s ethics officer in the ass!”

There are a few things to be aware of with this exciting new program. COB has issued strict orders that staff who refuse to participate will be sent to the RPF for a minimum of 5 years! Also note that underage staff members will be issued fake IDs to ensure that they can also contribute to the motion of the fundraising – after all they are timeless thetans inhabiting young bodies and should not be denied the opportunity to contribute to this important cause because of stupid wog laws. Additionally all Ideal Orgies will be filmed in ClearVideo hi-def for COB’s viewing pleasure so do your best to give a good performance for our leader.

Now let’s move up in status and “rock out with our cocks out” for COB and LRH!

Church of Scientology Announces Campaign To Bring Families Together

happy scientology-free familyThe Church of Scientology recently announced the launch of a new social betterment campaign geared toward strengthening the bonds of Scientology families and bringing them closer together. Soon-to-be-declared-SP church spokesperson Kevin Kapouw offered the following details about this important new second dynamic initiative.

“After much much internal debate at International Management (COB was busy on Hollywood Blvd doing God only knows what) we finally decided that the best thing that families involved in Scientology can do to foster togetherness and become closer to each other is to leave our useless, hateful cult.”

“Here are just a handful of much better ways we came up with to spend your valuable time.”

“Go outside and play with your kids. Hang out with your friends without disseminating – trust us, they hate you trying to “subtlely” push Scientology on them. Actually talk to your partner or spouse without using the tone scale with the underhanded  intent of controlling them, “getting their agreement” to go up the bridge, or some dumb shit like that.”

“Quit wasting your time studying LRH’s largely incomprehensible basic books. Taking the semicolons out did not make them make any more sense. They’re still for the most part complete fucking nonsense written by a deranged sociopathic megalomaniac. While Hubbard did have his occasional good days and offer some useful information most of it is nothing you wouldn’t find elsewhere through much less costly and destructive means.”

“Stop spending every waking minute in session or in an academy fooling about with a $25 meter that we sold you for $5000. Yes we fucked you on the Mark Super-Duper Extra-Special 8 – get over it. Your life is too valuable to waste in an empty org (and yes we’re finally admitting it – they’re all largely empty except for a small handful of poor, deluded fools like you). Go the fuck outside – that’s where real life is and where you’ll actually learn about “livingness.”

“Stop pissing away your life working all of those extra hours just so you can donate all of the money you make toward bullshit Ideal Org fundraisers, library campaigns, your OT eligibility or whatever new moneymaking scam our “Dear Leader” dreams up.”

“Reconnect with any friends and family you have disconnected from as a result of Hubbard’s evil disconnection policy. They were right to leave and speak out – get over it and accept the truth that we all joined a cult. Trust me, they love you much more than we and your other fake Scientology “friends” do.”

We at international management hope that this advice proves useful and helps you enjoy your life away from this evil cult – believe us we’re about to.

GAT2 Auditing – The Ideal Org Difference

scientology ideal org

Your typical gaudy and excessively costly Scientology “Ideal” Org

Some Scientologists have asked why the amazing advances and stellar gains of Golden Age of Tech Phase 2 are restricted to Ideal Orgs. Now while questioning COB’s decisions is usually grounds for immediate SP declare – and it’s certainly warranted in this case – COB has kindly offered the following explanation.

David Miscavige swell leader

Our super swell and not at all psychotic leader.

“Golden Age of Tech Phase 2 only works in Ideal Orgs for a number of important reasons. One of the most notable reasons is that an auditor’s TRs are much less likely to go out while auditing in an upstat and sufficiently costly environment. Often in non-ideal orgs (or downstat shitholes as I prefer to call them) the auditor’s TRs go out from the distress of being in such a downstat and entheta environment. By actual tests at int management we found that auditing in Ideal Orgs went orders of magnitude more smoothly in nearly every case thanks to auditors’ improved TRs.”

“Moreover a similar effect is experienced on the PC’s side. When surrounded by such theta splendor supplied by one of my personally designed Ideal Orgs the PC can’t help but feel 100% confident that they will go free. PCs receiving auditing in non-ideal shithole orgs often had full-scale type-3 psychotic breaks. Many even committed suicide or heinous criminal acts!”

“Studying your Basics is also more effective in Ideal Orgs. Many students in non-ideal orgs would go into a sad effect from being in such a depressing building, whereupon they could not study effectively and would pile up the MUs. Moreover clay demos “pop” more in a well lit Ideal Org. Also oftentimes in poorly lit shithole orgs starving staff would mistake the clay for dried gruel, eat it, and require a costly PTS handling.”

Non ideal shithole org

Avoid auditing in non-ideal shithole orgs!

“There is one other factor that is of the utmost importance but involves upper level confidential data. SO IF YOU ARE NOT YET OT READ NO FURTHER LEST YOU LOSE YOUR ETERNITY FOREVER! When receiving certain types of GAT2 auditing in a non-ideal org body thetans are released which then attach to the walls of the auditing room. Eventually the entire org becomes a cesspool of demonic entheta!!! But thanks to my brilliant technical breakthrough all ideal orgs are supplied with a special theta wall cleaner (for the low price of only $99.95 per 2 oz bottle) which removes these troublesome entities and leaves the walls with a theta shine. This is why there is now a weekly white-glove cleaning in all Ideal Orgs.”

“But don’t just take it from me, your infallible ecclesiastical leader – here are some recent success stories that truly drive home the point!”

“Auditing objectives in an Ideal Org makes all the difference in the world. In my old org touching the wall was a troublesome affair as they were so sticky from the cheap paint and multiple layers of dried semen. Many times I couldn’t quickly let go of the wall which would cause the process to fail. But in our new Ideal Org the walls are designed to COB’s impeccably high standards – I can touch the wall and when I let go my finger cleanly slides away. It makes such a difference and I’m experiencing 10x the gains!”

“My old org was so filthy and infested with vermin that I could never get stable gains. In fact every time my auditor would give me a command I would slash my wrists in hopes that I would die instead of being in such a nasty environment! My new ideal org is like a whole new universe – so theta! Now I’m getting the gains that can only occur in a tacky multi-million dollar building! Thank you Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige!”

“I never got stable gains before and had no idea why. However it all made sense when I received an exclusive briefing about the technical necessity of Ideal Orgs. Once I had full conceptual understanding I immediately donated for my Platinum New Civilization Boondoggle Ideal Org status. It was totally worth going bankrupt and destroying my marriage. Now I’m getting the all of gains that LRH intended and that our brilliant leader Chairman of the Board RTC has made possible with his brilliant leadership!!!”