10,000th Sea Org Member Beaten in Historic Ceremony

Scientology staff members lined up to give a CICS failure exactly what he deserves!

Int base staff members lined up to give a CICS disgrace exactly what he deserves while COB proudly observes!

Marking a major milestone in the history of the Scientology religion, the 10,000th Sea Org member was beaten today in an historic ceremony at Scientology’s International Base in Hemet, CA. And underscoring the significance and importance of this occasion in the tomes of history was the presence of none other than the leader of the Scientology religion, Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige. After mounting his trusty apple box Mr. Miscavige capably and effectively delivered the first blow to the downstat CICS* while his faithful admirers cheered him on.

Immediately afterward, emboldened and inspired by COB’s powerful display of manliness, the rest of the base’s staff took turns beating the degraded being about the face, torso, testicles and legs. It was a true display of the kind of spontaneous camaraderie and solidarity that you’ll only find in the fastest growing religion on earth.

And while saddened that he could not attend and personally throttle the human waste that had offended his best friend and the leader of leaders, IAS Freedom Medal of Valor winner Mr. Tom Cruise nonetheless listened in by telephone and enthusiastically offered his verbal support.

The offending staff member, who had once again failed COB and thus let down LRH for all eternity, had committed the grievous and unforgivable offense of leaving a stray drop of dried spittle upon one of Mr. Miscavige’s dainty $5000 John Lobb dress shoes while polishing them with his tongue.

After his ecclesiastical beating the CICS staff member was presented with an SP declare and divorce papers so as to spare his wife the humiliation of being married to such a degraded piece of filth. COB then graciously took the ex-staff member’s former wife back to his chambers to help her run out the incident as only a highly trained Class XXV auditor such as him can.

Staff members conveyed rave life-changing wins from participating in this important event:

After I hit that out-ethics trash my space just expanded and I could see the whole of time and space. This must’ve been what it was like for LRH when he had underperformers thrown overboard when he was on the Apollo!

When COB whallopped that piece of shit I felt a delicious quivering in my naughty bits!

This was more fun than that time we put Debbie Cook in a barrel of water! So theta!!!

When I saw them bringing out COB’s apple box I knew shit was about to get real!

Thank God we found out <suppressive trash> was a whole-track Marcabian SP sent here to destroy COB and Scientology!!!

* CICS = Counter intentioned cocksucker – Anyone who disagrees with a COB directive thus jeopardizing the eternity of all mankind.

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Get a Quality Education at the L. Ron Hubbard College!

L. Ron Hubbard College

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Young people today know that there is nothing more important than getting a good education that prepares you for today’s challenging job market. And getting one from Earth’s greatest educator will give you a competitive edge like no other!

L. Ron Hubbard held advanced degrees in 27 subjects including astrophysics, photography, nuclear physics, mysticism, childhood and adult education, intergalactic history and warfare, flimflammery and music composition. With a background like that you know you’ll receive a quality education at the Hubbard College!

Just look at all the subjects our fully accredited* school offers!

  • Nuclear Physics
  • Marcabian History
  • Medicine – Curing Cancer With Touch Assists
  • Music Appreciation – LRH Compositions
  • Drug Rehabilitation
  • Tugboat and Ghost Ship Command
  • Advanced Byzantine Corporate Organizational Structuring
  • Childhood Development
  • Family Counseling
  • Creative Accounting
  • Advanced Money Laundering
  • Hypnosis and its Practical Application in Business, Religion and Government
  • Advanced Whole-Track History (e-meter required)
  • The Hubbard Course on Computer Technology
  • Public Relations (taught by the Church of Scientology’s most brilliant PR expert)
  • Advanced Business Administration –  Harassment and Blackmail
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Wow!!! What a lineup!

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Attend The ‘Run Your Business The Scientology Way’ Seminar!

Run Your Business The Scientology Way

Business owners – do you want to see your stats and wealth skyrocket? Attend the “Run Your Business The Scientology Way” 2-day seminar hosted by WISE (World Institute of Scientology Enterprises) and learn proven methods to make your business a roaring success! Here are just a few samples of the great business tech and tips you’ll learn at this incredible seminar:

  • Customers with complaints always have hidden crimes – haul them in for expensive interrogations.
  • How to harass and blackmail your competition into bankruptcy.
  • Avoid paying fair wages that cut into your precious profits by declaring your business to be a religion. Now you can hire gullible people as “volunteers” and pay them next to nothing (or even nothing at all if your “scriptures” dictate it as appropriate)!
  • All attendees receive the Church of Scientology’s exclusive list of the most vile, bottom-feeding lawyers who will happily sue your competition into oblivion for the most baseless of reasons.
  • How to create an internal secret police division that will keep your employees productive through intimidation and fear.
  • How paying for employee health insurance and paid sick leave only encourages lazy employees to go PTS and get sick.
  • You’ll learn several ways that any land-based business can replicate LRH’s proven method for improving morale – overboarding!
  • Prohibit all interoffice romance except for yourself and your hot assistant. A hat tip to COB for this one!
  • A pro tip straight from LRH and presently used to great effect by Scientology leader and Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige – when stats are up it’s always due to your wise and effective management and when they’re down it’s always the fault of your incompetent employees.
  • How requiring workers to sign away all constitutional rights will save you a ton of headache down the road.
  • Learn how to use your employees’ most embarrassing secrets to increase productivity and discourage slacking.
  • You’ll do actual Sea Org screaming drills to learn just the right amount of hatred, volume and spittle spray to get your intention across to counter-intentioned employees.
  • Workers with children are a drain on your business. Learn how to persuade them to have abortions (at the expense the government or charitable organizations of course) or put existing children up for adoption. Now they’ll be able to focus on their work 24/7!
  • Enroll your employees on the The Hubbard Course on Computer Technology. At only $9,000 per person it’s a bargain!

Testimonials from previous attendees:

This seminar was so theta! When I get home I’m going to make my employees’ lives a living hell. Thank you LRH!!!

This was a powerful seminar and it enabled me to move up to the next level in douchebag status. And I’m Grant Cardone so that’s really saying something!!!

I had been foolishly treating my staff well and providing them with generous benefits and profit sharing. Now I realize I’ll never get up the bridge that way. Many thanks to WISE for shifting my viewpoint to be more like LRH and COB!!!

I was so impressed by the incredible tech presented at this seminar that I immediately enrolled on The Slappy Miscavige Management Course to further hone my admin skills and take my business to the next level!!!

Sign up now to avail yourself of all this powerful information and gain the tech to send your stats into screaming affluence and your workers into the depths of despair! At only $5000 you can’t afford to pass up this incredible bargain – seating is extremely limited so reserve your ticket now!!!

Ask COB – May 25 2015

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: What’s your opinion of Tony Ortega’s book ‘The Unbreakable Miss Lovely’ which claims to outline a long-running harassment campaign against author Paulette Cooper?

Leave it to tabloid journalist Tony Ortega to dig up the ancient past to try and make a quick buck by defaming the fastest growing religion on earth. I know for a fact that he has only sold 25 copies of his sad excuse for a book (we have spies everywhere) and all of those were to known bitter defrocked apostates!

Yes some mistakes were made in the past by renegade Guardian’s Office operatives including Hubbard’s hussy of a wife. LRH knew nothing of these misdeeds and was truly appalled when he found out what Mary Sue Hubbard was up to. Indeed it was discovered that she secretly hoped to destroy his reputation and take over as source!

Now as far as Paulette Cooper goes she certainly likes to exaggerate as the only actions the church undertook against her were some harmless and lighthearted prank calls, writing her number upon bathroom halls in hopes of finding her an upstat suitor who would distract her from her hysterical hatred of our religion, and stealing some typing paper from her apartment which was ultimately donated to schoolchildren to use for their drawings.

As a matter of fact it was Paulette who broke into the Guardians Office headquarters and planted the fake “Operation Freakout” documents in order to boost the flagging sales of her hate-filled anti-Scientology book “The Scandal of Scientology.” This was not difficult for her as she was a highly trained German spy, personally trained by Adolph Hitler himself!

Dear COB: I recently read a news article that reported you hired private investigators to spy on your father and that you instructed them to let him die when he appeared to be having a heart attack. Is this true sir?

Well first off you’ve been declared suppressive for reading newspapers! You know full well that the only news you’re allowed to read is the quality journalism we kindly provide in International Scientology News, Impact and Freedom magazines.

I had no choice but to keep tabs on dear old dad as he was obviously at risk of going full-blown type 3. What else besides insanity would explain his leaving the tranquil nirvana that is Int Base? And it would have broken my heart to see pop live out the rest of his years in a vegetative state so yes I did say to let him drop his body, exteriorize and go find a fresh body. Besides, frankly he became a bit of a bore these last few years so it’s time for him to move on. And we’ve learned from LRH that families are a MEST illusion – look how shitty he treated his 3 er, 2 wives and 6 kids!

Dear COB: I did my objectives many years ago and got great wins from them. But now the C/S is telling me I need to redo them on the new SRD. Why would I need to redo them when everything was fine sir?

There is a specific technical reason that everyone has to redo their objectives and it comes straight from the upper levels. In reviewing LRH OT materials it was discovered that touching walls and spotting spots is 1000% more effective in our new ideal orgs. Objectives done in old orgs were squirrel due to having been done in downstat surroundings. Also if you don’t do them I’ll have you declared suppressive for defying my executive CSing!

Dear COB: My 5 year old child is becoming increasingly rebellious – refusing sec checks and constantly backflashing. What should I do sir?

Construct a chain locker in your basement, fill it with hungry rats and lock your snotty brat in it for a week. That’s how LRH straightened out little shits on the Apollo!

Church of Scientology to Donate Yellow VM Shirts to Victims of Nepal Earthquake

nepal-earthquake

The Church of Scientology, once again living up to its reputation as the only humanitarian organization in the world that offers real help to those in need, has announced that it will be donating yellow volunteer minister t-shirts to assist the victims of the terrible earthquake Nepal recently suffered. Church spokesperson Karin Kapow elaborates with the following details.

“While other so-called ‘humanitarian’ organizations are offering their typical wog and psych-based solutions to what is needed and wanted in Nepal, we recognize that the most important thing to survivors of this disaster is to have a bright and cheery shirt to wear while digging out bodies from rubble and such. Food and water mean little when one is not in an uplifted ‘theta’ mood. Our bright yellow shirts are infused with theta thanks to the happy children who lovingly make them 18 hours per day, 7 days a week in Sea Org work camps.”

“All we ask is that recipients take group photos of themselves wearing our high quality shirts and email them to public-relations@scientology.org where we will use them in internal events and press releases. Recipients will also be kindly added to our informative mailing lists since they will now be considered instant-hatted Scientology volunteer ministers!”

vm-shirts

Previously hopeless and downstat beings cheered up thanks to their new shirts generously donated by Scientologists!

“As you can see every person wearing one of these comforting shirts can’t help but smile. Our cheery shirts will have the Nepalese forgetting about deceased relatives and friends in no time!”

“Scientologists are urged to donate as much as they can to help with this important PR opportunity relief effort. Each shirt is made of the finest quality materials and at a cost of only $24.95 per shirt they are truly a bargain. As a special bonus Scientologists that donate for 1000 or more shirts will receive a special limited edition commendation featuring the likeness of our beloved leader, Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige!”

Why Stay At The Fort Harrison While In Clearwater?

There are many very good reasons to stay at the Fort Harrison while auditing and training at FLAG. Here are but just a few:

  • Clearwater motels are notorious for being infested with fleas, cockroaches and rats. They’re also overrun with prostitutes, drug addicts and other assorted degraded beings.
  • Guests of the Fort Harrison enjoy 47% fewer sec-checks during their stay compared to CICS (counter-intentioned cocksuckers) who suppressively deprive our church of much-needed funds by staying at competing hotels or with “friends”. You would do well to remember that no true friend would hurt your church by helping you save money that rightfully belongs to us!
  • Food from the Fort Harrison’s restaurants is of much higher quality than anything else you’ll find in Clearwater. As a matter of fact non-Scientology restaurants in Clearwater are well known for allowing workers to urinate and defecate in their patron’s food for the “lulz.”
  • At the Fort Harrison you’ll be provided with your own personal registrar who will be by your side 24 hours a day. You’ll enjoy late-night chats and high ARC with your new best friend while flowing money toward future courses, auditing and 4th dynamic campaigns!
  • All rooms feature soothing sound conditioners specially engineered to drown out the tortured screams of RPFers in the basement.
  • Stay in the luxurious Lisa McPherson suite – named for the beloved Scientologist who was tragically murdered by German government psychiatrists working with Marcabian spies in a diabolical plot to defame our ecclesiastical leader Chairman of the Board Mr. David Miscavige!
  • Those staying in the ultra-exclusive $1,000,000 per week penthouse suite have the rare privilege of sharing a bathroom with Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige!!!
  • Enjoy quality programming on Fort Harrison’s inhouse cable channel such as recent international events, exciting Dianetics seminars and top quality movies such as Cocktail, Staying Alive and Look Who’s Talking!
  • Let’s face it – after a long exhausting day of running around a pole on the Cause Resurgence rundown do you really want to drive across town to a cheap motel surrounded by dangerous homeless people? We didn’t think so.
  • No mysterious deaths since 1995!!!

For OSA Eyes Only! Top 10 Reasons “Going Clear” Was Produced

Confidential RTC directive to all OSA personnel: As HBO’s slanderous Going Clear “documentary” has undoubtedly led to troublesome questions from Scientology customers parishioners emergency measures were necessary to minimize the potential damage to our off-shore bank accounts faithful parishioners’ eternities.

And owing to the fact that everyone in OSA is a completely useless degraded being, Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige had to once again step in and save the day. He has compiled the following top 10 reasons “Going Clear” was produced. All OSA personnel are to M-9 this list and then drill it verbatim until it’s burned into your puny little CICS memory banks!

  1. Ideal orgs have so many new public flowing in that it’s driving the psychs insane with rage. *Not your org – just all of the other ones. Your empty org obviously has SPs on its lines!
  2. HBO is now a psych-run implant station. Take for example the recent Frank Sinatra documentary by the suppressive “Going Clear” producer Alex Gibney. As you know from your studies of the ACC lectures LRH revealed that Frank Sinatra was actually a Marcabian spy sent to Earth to hypnotize the public!
  3. Lawrence Wright and Alex Gibney are cross-dressing male prostitutes in the employ of none other than sex-ring kingpin Marty Rathbun! Marty threatened to expose their perverted activities if they didn’t make this “documentary” to slander Scientology and its beloved leader Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige!
  4. The crack div-6 team at the LA model ideal org is so effective at getting thousands of new people into Scientology every single day that it’s literally causing the psychs and merchants of chaos to have psychotic breaks!
  5. HBO is terrified of the competition they will receive from Scientology Media Productions. They know that nobody will watch their pornographic filth and poorly written trash when they can instead view wholesome and enlightening entertainment like “Tom Cruise’s Next Bride.”
  6. Upcoming infomercials to market the Mark Ultra VIII E-Meter to raw public are so powerful and impinging that the psychs are in complete terror.
  7. Colombian SPs are so furious that our “The Way To Happiness” campaign has cut crime in their country by 80% that they funneled drug money to HBO to help finance “Going Clear.”
  8. The Fifth Invader Fleet is prepping Earth for invasion and as Scientology is the only thing that can stop them they must do everything possible to destroy us.
  9. Forthcoming LRH Hall in Clearwater has the psychs and SPs in panic mode. They know this is the next crucial step in COB’s masterful plan to fully enable world clearing.
  10. Black PR campaign by the squirrel group Neurotology.