Ask COB – May 25 2015

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: What’s your opinion of Tony Ortega’s book ‘The Unbreakable Miss Lovely’ which claims to outline a long-running harassment campaign against author Paulette Cooper?

Leave it to tabloid journalist Tony Ortega to dig up the ancient past to try and make a quick buck by defaming the fastest growing religion on earth. I know for a fact that he has only sold 25 copies of his sad excuse for a book (we have spies everywhere) and all of those were to known bitter defrocked apostates!

Yes some mistakes were made in the past by renegade Guardian’s Office operatives including Hubbard’s hussy of a wife. LRH knew nothing of these misdeeds and was truly appalled when he found out what Mary Sue Hubbard was up to. Indeed it was discovered that she secretly hoped to destroy his reputation and take over as source!

Now as far as Paulette Cooper goes she certainly likes to exaggerate as the only actions the church undertook against her were some harmless and lighthearted prank calls, writing her number upon bathroom halls in hopes of finding her an upstat suitor who would distract her from her hysterical hatred of our religion, and stealing some typing paper from her apartment which was ultimately donated to schoolchildren to use for their drawings.

As a matter of fact it was Paulette who broke into the Guardians Office headquarters and planted the fake “Operation Freakout” documents in order to boost the flagging sales of her hate-filled anti-Scientology book “The Scandal of Scientology.” This was not difficult for her as she was a highly trained German spy, personally trained by Adolph Hitler himself!

Dear COB: I recently read a news article that reported you hired private investigators to spy on your father and that you instructed them to let him die when he appeared to be having a heart attack. Is this true sir?

Well first off you’ve been declared suppressive for reading newspapers! You know full well that the only news you’re allowed to read is the quality journalism we kindly provide in International Scientology News, Impact and Freedom magazines.

I had no choice but to keep tabs on dear old dad as he was obviously at risk of going full-blown type 3. What else besides insanity would explain his leaving the tranquil nirvana that is Int Base? And it would have broken my heart to see pop live out the rest of his years in a vegetative state so yes I did say to let him drop his body, exteriorize and go find a fresh body. Besides, frankly he became a bit of a bore these last few years so it’s time for him to move on. And we’ve learned from LRH that families are a MEST illusion – look how shitty he treated his 3 er, 2 wives and 6 kids!

Dear COB: I did my objectives many years ago and got great wins from them. But now the C/S is telling me I need to redo them on the new SRD. Why would I need to redo them when everything was fine sir?

There is a specific technical reason that everyone has to redo their objectives and it comes straight from the upper levels. In reviewing LRH OT materials it was discovered that touching walls and spotting spots is 1000% more effective in our new ideal orgs. Objectives done in old orgs were squirrel due to having been done in downstat surroundings. Also if you don’t do them I’ll have you declared suppressive for defying my executive CSing!

Dear COB: My 5 year old child is becoming increasingly rebellious – refusing sec checks and constantly backflashing. What should I do sir?

Construct a chain locker in your basement, fill it with hungry rats and lock your snotty brat in it for a week. That’s how LRH straightened out little shits on the Apollo!

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3 responses to “Ask COB – May 25 2015

  1. Love it.

  2. Dear COB, have you ever thought of starting our OWN country, where we don’t have to live by these wog rules and wog standards? If you haven’t seen the two new episodes of “Wayward Pines” starring Matt Dillon, please do so! I think it represents what “CobTown” would be like

    • As a matter of fact that is in the works but only big beings will be allowed there. So basically it’ll be me, Tom Cruise, my beagle Jelly, and old Tubby when he gets back from target 2! No CICS (or girls) allowed!!!

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