Why Stay At The Fort Harrison While In Clearwater?

There are many very good reasons to stay at the Fort Harrison while auditing and training at FLAG. Here are but just a few:

  • Clearwater motels are notorious for being infested with fleas, cockroaches and rats. They’re also overrun with prostitutes, drug addicts and other assorted degraded beings.
  • Guests of the Fort Harrison enjoy 47% fewer sec-checks during their stay compared to CICS (counter-intentioned cocksuckers) who suppressively deprive our church of much-needed funds by staying at competing hotels or with “friends”. You would do well to remember that no true friend would hurt your church by helping you save money that rightfully belongs to us!
  • Food from the Fort Harrison’s restaurants is of much higher quality than anything else you’ll find in Clearwater. As a matter of fact non-Scientology restaurants in Clearwater are well known for allowing workers to urinate and defecate in their patron’s food for the “lulz.”
  • At the Fort Harrison you’ll be provided with your own personal registrar who will be by your side 24 hours a day. You’ll enjoy late-night chats and high ARC with your new best friend while flowing money toward future courses, auditing and 4th dynamic campaigns!
  • All rooms feature soothing sound conditioners specially engineered to drown out the tortured screams of RPFers in the basement.
  • Stay in the luxurious Lisa McPherson suite – named for the beloved Scientologist who was tragically murdered by German government psychiatrists working with Marcabian spies in a diabolical plot to defame our ecclesiastical leader Chairman of the Board Mr. David Miscavige!
  • Those staying in the ultra-exclusive $1,000,000 per week penthouse suite have the rare privilege of sharing a bathroom with Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige!!!
  • Enjoy quality programming on Fort Harrison’s inhouse cable channel such as recent international events, exciting Dianetics seminars and top quality movies such as Cocktail, Staying Alive and Look Who’s Talking!
  • Let’s face it – after a long exhausting day of running around a pole on the Cause Resurgence rundown do you really want to drive across town to a cheap motel surrounded by dangerous homeless people? We didn’t think so.
  • No mysterious deaths since 1995!!!
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3 responses to “Why Stay At The Fort Harrison While In Clearwater?

  1. Does the Fort Harrison have HBO?

  2. The Fort Harrison has HBLOW® which offers HBLOW® Documentary Film’s “Gone Clear: $cientology & the Prism of Belief,” twenty-four hours a day:
    http://jennyatlax.wordpress.com/2015/01/04/hblow-to-cancel-monthly-fees-effective-january-25/

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