Join us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits or recent documentaries we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.
Dear COB: A friend of mine recently completed the Cause Resurgence Rundown at FLAG and said that it just consisted of running around in a circle for days on end. Given that LRH smoked 6 packs a day and probably would have collapsed after one lap don’t you find this rundown a bit curious sir?
Well first I need to know your friend’s name so I can declare them SP for leaking this confidential data! And I’ll have you know that LRH did complete this rundown to its full EP but he did it as a fully exterior OT. He ran around an undisclosed planet while his body consumed rich, refreshing Kool cigarettes for energy. Any more questions smartass?!?
Dear COB: Where the hell is OTIX and X sir? We’ve been waiting for over 25 years now!!!
Why you backflashing CICS SP!!! How dare you question me with that tone! If you had bothered to pay attention to any of my recent briefings instead of spending your evenings sucking cocks on Hollywood Blvd like a theetie-weetie dilettante you’d know that OT IX and X will be released when each org is Fully Ideal, Saint Hill Size, has a 1,000-strong OT committee, and has $10,000,000 in reserve cash. Until then your precious OT IX and X will remain locked in my nightstand!!!
Dear COB: My wife and I have fallen out of ARC with each other lately and I’m not sure what to do. What would you recommend sir? Should we do marriage counseling or visit the ethics officer?
Move up in status! The underlying cause of your marriage difficulties is the fact that your wife does not respect you. That can be quickly remedied by increasing your ideal org and IAS status by a magnitude of legendary proportions. And make sure you move up to a status that awards you with a huge trophy – bitches love trophies!