Join us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.
Dear COB: I keep getting pressured to donate money for the new Scientology media center in Los Angeles. I don’t understand the need for this costly new facility when Gold is fully capable of handling all of our multimedia production needs. Can you clear this up for me sir?
First let’s put aside your backflash and CI on donating toward the most important cause in all of the galaxies and universes in totality and eternity! The reason is simple – Gold is now devoted entirely to producing international management events and photoshopping my images to ensure a youthful and theta appearance. Gold staff members are so incompetent and downstat that they can scarcely even handle that! Hence the immediate need for a new multimedia production facility devoted entirely to reaching new dead-in-the-head wog raw meat with hypnotic videos that match the public’s chronically low tone level.
Now about that CI on donating… how dare you question my wisdom you backflashing c**ksucker!!! I’ve contacted your local registrar and if I don’t hear back that you’ve donated at least $100,000 toward this vital new program I’ll personally declare you SP!!!
Dear COB: I recently visited FLAG and the Super Power building was completely empty with no public to be found. What gives sir?
The Super Power building was temporarily closed because some little pussy (now declared) puked all over the motion perception machine and shorted out the electronics. This required a full top-to-bottom cleaning of the entire building and a comprehensive white glove inspection by RTC. Rest assured that the building is now open and public are flooding in from around the world like never before!
Dear COB: I recently learned that HBO is going to air a documentary about Scientology that will no doubt be pure entheta. What should we do to fight back sir?
This is yet another important reason to donate as much as you possibly can toward the huge new Scientology media center we’re building in LA. It will be used in part to fight entheta media companies like HBO which factually was recently bought by a shadowy group of psychs! Their plan is to flood the airwaves with their psych filth designed to key in the public’s whole-track implants.
The calibre of the programming we have lined up so far is of such high quality that our ratings will be straight up and vertical while HBO’s will be completely downstat. There is no doubt that HBO will be bankrupt in 1 years time and Scientology’s cable channel will be #1 in the ratings – I personally guarantee it. After all – who would waste time watching garbage like The Sopranos when Top Gun is on 18 hours every day!
Dear COB: I’m 9 years old and in the 3rd grade. My class is doing Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory for our school play and we need one more person to play an Ooompa Loompa. You’re the right height sir, will you help us out?
Why you vile little…! I’ve just declared your whole family SP! Moreover I’ve dispatched a team of ethics officers to come take all your toys and destroy them in front of you!!!