Join us here each week (or month depending on how many lawsuits we’re fighting) as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.
Dear COB: I recently finished OT VII and Super Power yet I still can’t stop lustily wolfing down cakes and pies like there’s no tomorrow. It’s especially embarrassing since it makes my Organic Liaison weight loss program look like a complete fraud. What should I do sir?
Well Kirstie, this is a complex havingness issue that can only be remedied by going back to the bottom of the bridge and redoing your purif and objectives. You need to sweat out those toxic glutens and all that sludge from fruity fillings. After your purif you will do the Survival Rundown which will free you from the restimulative effects of tasty cakes and pies.
Additionally I’m C/Sing you for the Cause Resurgence rundown which used to be called the running program. I’m doing this because… well it’s obvious isn’t it?
Dear COB: I keep being hounded by OTC fundraisers asking for more and more money for our ideal org. I simply have nothing more to give and actually had to file bankruptcy recently. What should I do sir?
This is outrageous! You need to sit down and write up a detailed KR immediately… on yourself you counter-intentioned, c**ksucking, namby pamby, theetie wheetie degraded being! I expect a full and complete outline of all your crimes and why you’re determined to make me wrong!!!
Dear COB: We opened our Ideal Org 6 months ago and nobody new is coming in at all. What should we do sir?
Well obviously you have at least one SP on staff as the Ideal Org program has been proven beyond a doubt to be flawless and guarantees a torrent of new public! I’m sending my most ruthless team of sec-checkers to root out anyone who has counter-intention on straight up and vertical expansion. Rest assured that 24-hour gangbang sec-checks will get to the bottom of your org’s failure!
Dear COB: You’re in such great shape and I would love to get trim and fit like you. What would you recommend sir?
Well, thank you for noticing! I do enjoy staying fit (unlike old Tubby Hubbard) and I’m a big fan of golden rod squats. Every morning upon rising I do 100 reps wherein I squat down upon a lightly lubricated and electrified goldenrod and quickly jump up to a standing position. A nice side effect is that this always produces a generous sperm sample for our church’s Ideal Child Program.
I also recommend a vigorous boxing workout. Punching bags are unnecessary since I have a generous supply of downstat executives whose faces need punching.