The Church of Scientology recently announced the launch of a new social betterment campaign geared toward strengthening the bonds of Scientology families and bringing them closer together. Soon-to-be-declared-SP church spokesperson Kevin Kapouw offered the following details about this important new second dynamic initiative.
“After much much internal debate at International Management (COB was busy on Hollywood Blvd doing God only knows what) we finally decided that the best thing that families involved in Scientology can do to foster togetherness and become closer to each other is to leave our useless, hateful cult.”
“Here are just a handful of much better ways we came up with to spend your valuable time.”
“Go outside and play with your kids. Hang out with your friends without disseminating – trust us, they hate you trying to “subtlely” push Scientology on them. Actually talk to your partner or spouse without using the tone scale with the underhanded intent of controlling them, “getting their agreement” to go up the bridge, or some dumb shit like that.”
“Quit wasting your time studying LRH’s largely incomprehensible basic books. Taking the semicolons out did not make them make any more sense. They’re still for the most part complete fucking nonsense written by a deranged sociopathic megalomaniac. While Hubbard did have his occasional good days and offer some useful information most of it is nothing you wouldn’t find elsewhere through much less costly and destructive means.”
“Stop spending every waking minute in session or in an academy fooling about with a $25 meter that we sold you for $5000. Yes we fucked you on the Mark Super-Duper Extra-Special 8 – get over it. Your life is too valuable to waste in an empty org (and yes we’re finally admitting it – they’re all largely empty except for a small handful of poor, deluded fools like you). Go the fuck outside – that’s where real life is and where you’ll actually learn about “livingness.”
“Stop pissing away your life working all of those extra hours just so you can donate all of the money you make toward bullshit Ideal Org fundraisers, library campaigns, your OT eligibility or whatever new moneymaking scam our “Dear Leader” dreams up.”
“Reconnect with any friends and family you have disconnected from as a result of Hubbard’s evil disconnection policy. They were right to leave and speak out – get over it and accept the truth that we all joined a cult. Trust me, they love you much more than we and your other fake Scientology “friends” do.”
We at international management hope that this advice proves useful and helps you enjoy your life away from this evil cult – believe us we’re about to.