Ask COB – May 29 2014

David MiscavigeJoin us here each week as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.

Dear COB: I recently discovered that my son has been having frequent violent outbursts and bullying his classmates. What Scientology tech should I apply sir?

Find your M-U as your son is obviously a big being like myself who doesn’t tolerate pie-faced little pussies! Moreover you need to encourage your son’s upstat beingness as he is on track to a bright future in RTC!

Dear COB: Mike Rinder recently posted photos (here and here) of your lavish and outrageously expensive RTC office building. How do you justify this extravagance when most Sea Org workers live and work in third-world conditions sir?

Well first off enjoy the 100 hours of sec-checks I just ordered to find your crimes! Now let’s clear some things up regarding your enemy line from that fucking SP Rinder. For the past decade nearly every Sea Org slave volunteer has been recruited from the third world so they’re perfectly happy to work for pennies and live in squalor. I however am the rarest of big beings (like LRH and Tom Cruise) and as such I must be surrounded by the best of everything lest I slip downtone and we lose Scientology forever. Moreover since I have to personally take care of everything in Scientology due to being surrounded by downstat pie-faced cocksuckers who give me CI every step of the way I fucking deserve it! I’m safeguarding your eternity and don’t you forget it!!!

Dear COB: I recently got sent to ethics for admitting during a session that I had recently masturbated. What in the world is wrong with “rubbing one out” on occasion sir?

That’s a very good question and one which I am uniquely qualified to answer seeing as I am the top technical terminal on the planet (Senior C/S Int is currently in the RPF scrubbing toilets with a toothbrush for being a CI SP).

In HCOB 26 Aug 1982 “Pain and Sex” LRH states the following:

  • “When sex enters the scene, a being withdraws, contracts and can go unconscious.”
  • “Destructive creatures… invented pain and sex to shrink people and cut their alertness, knowingness, power and reach.”
  • “…the stocks-in-trade of psychs are PAIN and SEX.”

Basically sex is an evil tool invented by whole-track psychs to distract you from wholesome theta pursuits such as Ideal Org fundraising or moving up in IAS status. Every time you casually “rub one out” another child dies at the hands of an evil psych!

Only those big beings, such as myself, who have made it through OT X may partake of sexual activity without fear of eternal darkness. Moreover an OT X can safely have sex with partners lower on the bridge since their abilities are such that they can as-is and key-out any case created by their partner. This is why my fuck buddy personal communicator Laurisse always has such a theta glow after I slip her a bit of the “cob.”

I trust I have made it clear that for pre-OTs every stroke of the sausage or caress of the clit slowly caves you in and invites entheta into your heart!

Dear COB: I was recently diagnosed with lung cancer and I’m absolutely devastated. Is there any Scientology tech that might help me sir?

Yes, start smoking immediately! And if you already smoke triple your consumption! Per LRH smoking cures lung cancer. I myself am cancer-free and healthy as a horse thanks to this Scientology tech!

Oh and I’m also scheduling you for sec-checks to find your crimes as you obviously pulled this in due to some sort of out-ethics activity!

Dear COB: I’m the E/O at a Class 5 Ideal Org and I’m trying to sort out a dispute between 2 business partners, both in good standing. Both make equally good cases for their side of things and I’m having trouble making a decision. What do I do sir?

Which one has a higher status in the IAS? That is the only measure of rightness and in-ethicsness you need to be concerned with anymore. I recently issued an RTC bulletin about this to all org personnel  – did you not read it?!? Failure to read and obey one of my important directives is punishable by a stay in the RPF!


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