Church of Scientology Releases Special Computer Just For Scientologists

Scientology computer

Oh dear, the internet is so theta now thanks to COB and RTC.

The Church of Scientology is proud to announce the availability of their new computer designed especially for Scientologists.

Church spokesperson Karin Kapouw offered these exciting details, “For too long Scientologists have lived with a deep dread of using the internet as it is a cesspool of entheta and false data. Indeed our beloved leader Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige recently discovered it is in fact the world’s reactive mind! Well thanks to RTC and this wonderful new computer no longer will Scientologists have to worry about seeing entheta and lies about our religion or its beloved ecclesiastical leader online! Bookstore officers are standing by to take your order and all Scientologists are required to own at least 2 computers at the low price of only $4,995.00.”

These powerful computers offer the following theta and eternity-preserving features:

  • Your online connections such as Facebook friends are checked against OSA’s database of declared suppressives and any matches are automatically sent a disconnection notice and deleted from your friend lists.
  • Desktop displays a new wallpaper each day featuring COB at different Ideal Org grand openings – so theta!
  • Desktop media player plays “The Road To Freedom” on a continuous loop to keep you in an uplifted and theta mood whenever you use your computer. Please note that turning down the volume results in a knowledge report to OSA!
  • Regular popups helpfully remind you to study your basics or move up in IAS and Ideal Org status. Popups can be configured to appear from every 5 minutes to every 30 minutes depending on personal preferences.
  • All online banking accounts are configured to regularly debit appropriate donations (as determined by your income level) to Ideal Org building funds and the IAS.
  • Your internet traffic is routed through special Scientology servers in order to ensure you are only exposed to theta sites.
  • Special Scientology search engine returns Scientology sites for all searches as Scientology truly offers the answers to every possible question you could ever have.
  • All emails and other online communications are monitored for entheta or dangerous thoughts with OSA receiving reports for any positive hits.
  • Your computer includes exclusive access to a special online movie account that only plays Tom Cruise films and Battlefield Earth!
  • Quick and easy access to “Ask COB” – the Church of Scientology’s most popular advice column!

Rave reviews from dedicated Scientologists continue to roll in!

“I just searched for “effective treatments for cancer” and my computer referred me to the touch assist tech. How cool is that? Google would have just returned something useless from a “medical authority.”

“I love getting all my news from the official Scientology news service. Oh look – yet another country has announced that they are 100% crime free thanks to  Scientology. So theta!”

“My grandson was declared for daring to question church finances and as promised he disappeared from my internet completely. It’s as if he doesn’t exist at all anymore. Thank you COB!”

Just think, never again will you ever have to worry about this happening while you surf the web!

entheta sites

“COB’s wife is missing and he’s sleeping with his assistant?!?”

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2 responses to “Church of Scientology Releases Special Computer Just For Scientologists

  1. Omg. Is this even part way true? Sad that I even have to ask. I can see something like this happening. Holy hell.

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