April 30, 2014 – Clearwater Florida USA – Mr. David Miscavige, leader of the Scientology religion and Chairman of the Board RTC, celebrated his birthday today with nearly a billion* devoted members of his flock. Scientologists flocked to Clearwater from around the globe to share in COB’s blessed day and bask in his theta presence.
Mr. Miscavige received many gifts from his adoring admirers including 14 new automobiles (9 sports cars and 5 SUVs), 8 high performance motorcycles, 16 cases of the finest scotch whisky, an autographed photo of Tom Cruise, lifesize burnable effigies of Marty Rathbun and Mike Rinder, and a new bottle of Brute cologne. However COB’s favorite gift by far was the Los Angeles Clippers NBA team!
COB reminded his flock that as CICS SPs none are yet fit to enter the kingdom of the theta universe and that their only hope, and the best birthday gift they could bestow upon him, is to move up in IAS and Ideal Org status!
* Independent satellite analysis confirmed that approximately 985 million people were in attendance. Source: NSA