COB Solves Critical Toilet Paper Shortage in Scientology Orgs

No toilet paper leftRecognizing that the lack of toilet paper in Scientology orgs worldwide was causing bad PR, Chairman of the Board RTC leapt into action to save the day yet again! A church spokesperson confirmed that Mr. Miscavige, upon realizing that his juniors and all org execs were hopelessly incompetent CICS SPs, interrupted his important work correcting the countless mistakes left in the tech by L. Ron Hubbard and shifted his attention to solving this growing public relations nightmare.

Knowing that orgs must continue flowing all spare income uplines to Int Management for critical 4th dynamic activities, our beloved leader set his keen intelligence to work on an optimum solution that would effectively solve the problem while not cutting into his the church’s income flow. After toiling day and night for many weeks COB was suddenly struck with a brilliant solution! As every org has thousands of unsold basic book sets all orgs now use basic books for toilet paper. Moreover Mr. Miscavige realized that this could revolutionize study time as it is a variation of “read it, drill it, do it.” Indeed “read it, wipe it, flush it” has taken academies by storm!

David Miscavige

COB proclaims “Wipe your ass with source!”

Org EDs around the world immediately hailed the decision as absolutely brilliant and supremely elegant in its simplicity. Comments like “COB has once again saved Scientology!”, “We are truly blessed to have our brilliant leader!” and “If only we weren’t such hopelessly incompetent CICS SPs that let COB down time and time again!” were the order of the day.

Ever humble and greatly appreciative of the lavish praise, Chairman of the Board RTC brushed off these well-deserved compliments with his trademark humility, “While I am a very big being I am also just a man. A man who is singlehandedly saving the galaxy from the psychs and the 5th invader fleet while you incompetent SPs are busy sucking cocks on Hollywood Blvd!!!” Afterward to further underscore his benevolence and generosity COB only declared 10% of the CICS EDs suppressive.

Scientology continues to experience explosive growth while praise flows in from all quarters. With millions of churches worldwide and 3 billion members Scientology is truly earth’s only important religious faith. Recently proclaimed the official religion of France the church continues to win over world governments with its social betterment projects, extortion and blackmail. Billions of people look to Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige for spiritual guidance and all consider they have no greater friend.


2 responses to “COB Solves Critical Toilet Paper Shortage in Scientology Orgs

  1. Jesus H Christ….WTF does COB have to come up with ALL the solutions? Isn’t there is an able-bodies ED at one of these orgs who could have come up with this “IDEAL” solution to wiping WOG asses?

    COBs brilliance once again has salvaged our asses, and he has wiped away any possible bad PR. If only COB had a #2!!!

  2. As the POS of the church, his holy shit don’t stink!!!!
    (Are we talking incompetent or incontinent? Maybe LRH had it mixed up after all, and we need COB, the POS, to personally sort it all out.)

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