Church of Scientology Launches Ideal Child Program

COB sperm sample

Chairman of the Board RTC showing off his recent contribution to Scientology’s ideal child program.

Building upon Chairman of the Board RTC’s spectacularly successful program to make everything associated with Scientology “ideal” and thus achieve the goal of global domination the Church of Scientology is proud to announce that Scientologists can now choose to have an “ideal” child created from superior genetic stock.

These mentally and physically gifted offspring will be fathered exclusively from Scientology leader and Chairman of the Board RTC, Mr. David Miscavige’s personal sperm donations which he has graciously agreed to contribute on a regular basis to this important initiative.

Laurisse Stuckenbrock

COB’s personal sperm extraction specialist

All of COB’s sperm samples are carefully milked from his holy loins by longtime assistant Laurisse “you got a purty mouth” Stuckenbrock, an RTC-certified ecclesiastical sperm extraction specialist.

Laurisse’s unique expertise is required not only to preserve the integrity and virility of COB’s specimens but also to ensure that no one can claim that COB “beats his staff.”

The ideal child program is especially critical with worldwide membership plummeting due to growing global suppression and RTC has advised that all Scientologists are strongly encouraged to participate in this very important program!

Children of the COB

The latest batch of “Children of the COB”

It is command intention that we replenish and grow our ranks with fresh young Scientologists that in addition to being superior mental and physical specimens are also genetically predisposed to obey COB’s uniquely mellifluous and hypnotic voice patterns. This new breed of Scientologist will not question COB nor will they seek out false allegations of beatings fabricated by merchants of chaos.

Certified ideal COB sperm samples are now conveniently stocked at your local ideal org’s juice bar and are available for a nominal donation. Once purchased the insemination procedure is handled by your org’s MLO (medical liason officer)*.

And for those who are in too much of a hurry to deal with artificial insemination and the resulting 9 month wait newborn “ideal” babies (sourced from the Sea Org) are available for very reasonable prices at ideal org baby sales which are held monthly at all ideal churches of Scientology.

What better way to show your dedication to our religion than by mocking up a child with COB’s love pudding?

Duggan family's ideal son

Bob and Trish Duggan participated in the pilot program and were thrilled with their ideal son! (pictured at far right)

* Purchase of ideal turkey baster from your bookstore officer required.


7 responses to “Church of Scientology Launches Ideal Child Program

  1. Is it true that COB’s sperm are shorter than most?

  2. Great site BTW, I just found it yesterday. Damn near PIMPed “Pissed In My Pants!” Looking forward to putting command intention on following you and your lulz

  3. Mission Accomplished

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