The Church of Scientology is proud to announce that its beloved ecclesiastical leader Chairman of the Board RTC Mr. David Miscavige has made a major breakthrough in Scientology assist technology.
The official spokespuppet for the Church of Scientology, Ms. Karin Pouw, was happy to offer these details to the world’s major press outlets who had all flocked to the church’s headquarters in Clearwater Florida to learn more upon hearing of the wondrous news.
“Upon realizing that L. Ron Hubbard’s touch assist tech did not always produce optimum results 100% of the time Mr. Miscavige set his keen mind to work upon the vexing problem. After many nights of exhaustive research and extensive tests he made a breakthrough discovery. Touch assists as performed per LRH’s written instructions were simply too gentle – earlier methods were ineffective due to a lack of appropriate force.”
“Simply put, it takes violent force to impinge upon a thetan and LRH’s theetie-weetie “feel my finger” was weak and ineffective on all but the sissiest beings. In fact Mr. Miscavige discovered that “feel my finger” was only effective when the finger was violently thrust into the injured person’s eye!”
“Henceforth all therapeutic touching must consist of a strong punch or kick as there is no room for namby-pambiness in today’s more modern Scientology.”
“This new, more advanced and much more effective touch assist technology is now known colloquially among Scientologists as “assists with fists” or simply “fisting.”
“Mr. Miscavige worked tirelessly to yet again fix L. Ron Hubbard’s sloppy work and unfortunately his research methods were misunderstood by bitter defrocked apostate subordinates like Mike Rinder, Marty Rathbun and Jeff Hawkins. These slanderous suppressives made false reports to the press about Mr. Miscavige when he was merely using his skills to offer them gentle succor and attempting to apply a soothing spiritual balm to their injuries. It hurts him deeply that they misconstrued his caring kicks and punches as violent drunken outbursts.”