Due to an unprecedented wave of recent defections from the Church of Scientology, Chairman of the Board RTC has decreed that use of the internet is hereby banned for all Scientologists!
If you need to research something online call our team of friendly OSA professionals (1-900-SAFESEARCH) who will perform your searches for you. This select group of Sea Org staff members has the special training necessary to filter out entheta and filthy lies about our religion. By letting them perform your internet searches you do not take the chance of jeopardizing your eternity by accidentally seeing suppressive sites and blogs written by unemployed fringe bitter apostate lunatics and joking degraders.
Some recent searches and results:
Query: Jobs in my local area
Answer: Join staff at your local org! Staff members are currently paid in basic books and LRH encyclopedias which sell like hotcakes on eBay! Many staff members are millionaires now as a result of this roaringly successful bonus program!!!
Query: How can I learn calculus online?
Answer: Do your OT levels and unlock that knowledge from your whole track! (If already OT restart at the bottom of the bridge with the purif and survival rundown)
Query: Natural cures for the blues
Answer: Move up in status today! That is a sure cure for the blues!
Query: Make donation to the Red Cross
Answer: Do not give that money to wogs! Contact your IAS reg and move up in status today!!!
Query: It burns when I pee
Answer: Report to ethics for sec-checking and touch assists immediately!
Query: Houses for sale in my local area
Answer: You do not need a new house! That’s MEST and thus entheta by its very nature. Donate that money to our Ideal Org campaign!
Query: Who is Marty Rathbun?
Answer: A liar who never worked for the Church of Scientology, never met COB and never was Tom Cruise’s auditor!
Scientologists that have availed themselves of this theta eternity-preserving service are invited to submit success stories in the comments. COB will be reading this so let’s do our leader proud!