The Church of Scientology is proud to announce the release of the new Technical and Administrative Bulletins of Dianetics and Scientology by Chairman of the Board RTC David Miscavige! This massive 700 volume set was lovingly and painstaking compiled from the transcripts of each and every proclamation uttered by his holiness COB to his army of RTC assistants. These MCOBs and MCOPLs (Miscavige Communication Office Bulletins and Policy Letters) are the key to the achieving a golden age for Scientology and Dianetics! This is truly a landmark release in the history of our religion and every Scientologist is expected to own at least one set.
Moreover to the point and inasmuch as these ecclesiastical writings are more powerful than anything ever experienced heretofore in this universe, the tech in these groundbreaking volumes is so pure that they must be housed in a specially designed “Ideal” library addition* to your home. These “Ideal org” quality additions are built by the same elite Sea Org team that builds airplane hangers and sex dungeons for Tom Cruise!
And to ensure that every Scientologist truly gets this valuable data 100% with full comprehension and conceptual understanding a special course is being created by RTC for delivery in all orgs whereby after M-9ing every bulletin in each volume three times through you will become a graduate of the COB RTC Int Base Elite Briefing Course. And owing to the indisputable fact that this knowledge is truly priceless and supersedes all previous technical and administrative releases in importance the COB RTC Int Base Elite Briefing Course will replace the now retired and outdated Saint Hill Special Briefing Course and Flag Executive Briefing Course. Additionally this new course (checksheet time – 1456 weeks on a full time schedule) will now be a prerequisite for auditor training in all org and mission academies. Thus one begins with the Basics, proceeds to the COB RTC Int Base Elite Briefing Course and then and only then embarks upon the Academy Levels.
Make no mistake – this is a watershed moment on our time track and one which you’ll look back upon fondly in the millennia to come. Every sentence from the mouth of our beloved and universally admired Source is truly a pearl of wisdom as you can see for yourself from these wonderfully brilliant excerpts!
“There are SPs everywhere – hiding in closets, in cupboards and behind curtains! The best way to detect them is to with physical violence. SPs cannot tolerate a theta punch to the face or kick to the groin. Those with clean hands will gladly take a beating if it is for the in-ethics purpose of rooting out suppression. And anyone who says hitting women is wrong is a raving theetie-weetie SP. Why just the other day I gave my wife Shelly a good thrashing because she looked at me oddly and she took it like a true Sea Org member – on her knees and weeping!”
“Who needs internet when you have telexes. Internet is squirrel. Plus internet turns people into raving psych-drug addled SPs.”
“We’re going to take out the psychs this year. We only need eleventy trillion dollars to do it. We’ve just got to get those downstat lazy cocksucking IAS regges with the plan!”
“Why are you looking at me funny? You’re out to get me and destroy Scientology!!! You’re declared SP – get out of my face and into the RPF!!!”
“Why aren’t there more black people in our church? You know what? Let’s make some 24k gold-plated e-meters. That’ll bring them in, they love that bling-bling shit.”
“Louis Farrakhan…? He likes Dianetics and his religion believes in spaceships that will save his people? Fuck yeah, get him on the phone. Let’s sell him a bridge!”
“Battlefield Earth would have won multiple Oscars if it weren’t for that SP John Travolta fucking it all up. Every time he was supposed to be on the set he was in his trailer on that fucking oiliness table. Hmmmm, hey write that down – “oiliness table” – that gives me an idea…”
“Get that fucking cocksucker into ethics and sec-check him until he confesses!”
“This vital new rundown that can be delivered at any point on the Bridge will be called the Remedy of Slappingness. The EP is the PC realizing he’s being slapped because he’s a degraded SP and pulled it in. This will factually bring world clearing within reach. Is it time for my 10:30 AM scotch yet?”
“Send me those spy photos of Marty and Monique Rathbun pronto! Preferably the ones with Monique changing clothes…”
“Where’s my scotch? I don’t care if it’s only 8:30 in the morning you incompetent cunt! Maybe a stay in the RPF will straighten you out. Go get the routing form!”
“The Ideal Org plan is brilliant in its simplicity. People aren’t attracted to that tired old LRH tech. They want coffee kiosks and videos of me in overpriced buildings with tacky architecture. And I know I’m right because Tom Cruise loves the idea.”
“You suck cock on Hollywood Blvd!!! YSCOHB!!! YS!!! YS!!! YS!!!”
And lest the little ones be denied COB’s wisdom (COB is reluctantly forced to occasionally use harsh language as he is surrounded by incompetence and SPs at every turn) a specially edited set is available for their studies. A sample passage:
“I’m going to make that f****t b***h suck my motherf**king c**k while I shove a goldenrod up his a** for what he did to Battlefield Earth!”
Immerse yourself in the wisdom of Source with these holy scriptures for only $70,000 ($56,000 with IAS discount)!
Complete your library – buy the new Technical and Administrative Bulletins of Dianetics and Scientology by COB RTC David Miscavige today!
*Required “Ideal” home addition cost to be individually determined by price quote (average cost is usually around $350,000).