Join us here each week as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.
Dear COB: Christmas will be here soon and I can’t decide between buying gifts for the family or moving up in Ideal Org status. What should I do sir?
I’m sure your family does just fine without gifts the other 364 days of the year. Aside from IAS status there is nothing more important than your status as an Ideal Org supporter. Without ideal orgs the psychs will take over and put your loved ones into death camps. Now what do your kids need more – more MEST or eternal freedom from whole-track psych enslavement?
However in the spirit of the season I could see my way clear to cutting you some slack if you were to purchase sets of Basics or ACCs for your loved ones. We also have the new Mark Ultra VIII e-meters which are quite spiffy. Just remember to buy 2 per person!
Dear COB: How is your OT VI sister doing since she was busted for drunk driving and drug possession earlier this year?
That’s an enemy line fabricated by psychs and disseminated by their SP lackeys at the Tampa Bay Times and unemployed bloggers!!! And need I remind you that forwarding enemy lines can result in having to pay for expensive sec-checking to find your crimes or even an outright declare?!?
My upstat and 100% in-ethics sister has never smoked marijuana – and if she did it certainly would not be in the form of a “blunt”. Fuck that ghetto shit.
Dear COB: I witnessed the ED of my local Ideal Org molesting a young child. He’s an OT VIII that you personally appointed as ED so I haven’t reported him to the police yet. What should I do sir?
First things first – are his stats up? Per LRH:
“We are not in the business of being good boys and girls. We’re in the business of going free and getting the org production roaring. Nothing else is of any interest then to Ethics… Therefore if a staff member is getting production up by having his own statistics excellent, Ethics sure isn’t interested. In short a staff member can get away with murder so long as his statistic is up…”
If his stats are up the child should be reported to ethics for out-2D and attempting to jeopardize the career of a upstanding OT executive (a suppressive act per HCOPL 650307-1RB). If his stats are down that’s likely due to the pernicious influence of the entheta devil-child who obviously “pulled this in.” Either way, send the brat to ethics for extensive sec-checking and potential RPF duty.
Dear COB: I was at the 2013 annual IAS event at FLAG and witnessed this display overhead. While this was obviously the work of SPs I do have to ask – where exactly is your wife Shelly?
Shelly is selflessly devoting herself to a very important special project (polishing the LRH tech preservation titanium tablets to a lustrous sheen). While it pains me greatly to be away from my dear wife I take solace in the fact that it’s for the greater good. And please do not worry about my 2D needs. While Shelly is away I am fully serviced by my Sea Org subordinate Laurisse “Lou” Stuckenbrock. Lou is great – she does whatever I ask of her no matter how sick or degraded (who wants to get declared for CI right?) And while I’m on the subject, rumors about me and Tom Cruise are just that – Tom always complained like a little bitch about the taste of my dick anyway.