Welcome to the Golden Age of Tech – Phase 3!
Scientology411 is pleased to bring you an illuminating glimpse into Scientology’s not-very-far-off future thanks to our intrepid team of whole-track informants…
2020 is upon us and once again Chairman of the Board RTC has performed a thorough and comprehensive top-to-bottom investigation and debugging of Scientology’s current scene and found numerous outpoints that have now been corrected. In a special closed door briefing to OT VIII’s at FLAG, COB revealed the following:
“If you felt that something was not quite right with your Scientology training or auditing – even after GAT2 – rest assured that your powers of observation are hereby validated as spot-on. Let me put this in words that can be easily understood by all – it would not be an overstatement to say that this was a monumental clusterf&*k of the most epically epic proportions that you could imagine in this galaxy or any other star system from the Marcab Confederation to the Moonbat Nebula. It was truly a situation where the blind were leading the stupid leading the mentally disabled which were in turn leading the blind.”
“Well, I am pleased to announce tonight that the solution is at hand and the future of our religion has never been as bright as it is right now at this critical juncture. Astoundingly it was discovered that an insidious and extremely well-hidden SP has been at the heart of all of Scientology’s difficulties for the past several decades. Well, tonight I have great news for you all – that SP has been exposed and his influence fully eradicated! By my ecclesiastical and most holy decree L. Ron Hubbard is hereby declared a suppressive person.”
“Through exhaustive research I discovered that LRH turned suppressive after receiving some squirrel OT auditing from David Mayo in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s. This resulted in his beingness splitting into multiple valences which subsequently wrote the Board Technical Bulletins brought into vogue during GAT2 by yet another squirrel. As it is now known that these BTBs are completely squirrel, suppressive and out-tech the tech vols we reissued in 2013 to include them are to be destroyed and replaced with the new versions coming out this year.
“Additionally it is my hope that LRH comes to his senses, recants and reports to the RPF for correction and to make suitable amends.”
As a result of this shocking discovery COB has been declared Source of all things Scientological for life by Int Management and he is to be obeyed without question, counter-intention or backflash. With COB assuming his rightful role as Source, Scientology is poised to expand like never before!
And now with those important details out of the way we can progress with forwarding command intention and launching Scientology into the stratosphere! This history-making briefing includes numerous technical updates that are a direct result of COB’s brilliant and sweeping investigation!
- Objectives are now fully streamlined – previous directives advising a minimum of several hundreds of hours of objectives were found to have been written by a raving SP (currently a bitter defrocked apostate blogger that shall remain unnamed). Objectives now take as little as 10 minutes to complete and can in fact be run by the registrar at the point of sale! Accordingly they are now sold in 12-1/2 minute intensives at a cost of only $3000 per intensive.
- The plans for Super Power were found to be missing several pages which outlined more mechanisms for improving perceptics:
- The Jackhammer will jog even the peskiest BTs loose from your theta body unlocking hitherto unattainable vistas of awareness and spiritual freedom!
- The Whirl & Hurl sharpens the perception of vomitingness (volume, taste and projectile velocity).
- The J&D-tron will hone your perception of jokingness and degradingness. Humor and ridicule are the tools of SP vampires who use them to key in bank and drain your precious gains. Now you can vigilantly protect your investment in eternity!
- GAT2 efforts to streamline auditor training were marred by many beginning auditors not being armed with all of the necessary tech that they required for fully 100% standard results. Henceforth all beginning auditors will start their training by method-9 word clearing the Saint Hill Special Briefing Course lectures and Class 8 materials 12 times through.
- While investigating LRH’s original research which led to his revolutionary Study Tech method COB discovered that LRH had actually isolated a 4th barrier to study that had been wickedly hidden by a treacherous SP! LRH discovered that while the primary reason for study failure appeared to be the misunderstood word, there actually was a more basic reason which underpinned the MU – the misunderstood letter! LRH cognited that the building blocks of a word are the individual letters which must be fully understood in their own right. This led to the startling realization that the shapes of these letters are rendered using precise mathematical formulas which if not fully grasped, lead to the inability to comprehend the word itself. Once a student learns the advanced geometry, calculus and trigonometry necessary to properly write letters the complete vista of conceptual learning and understanding is made available! This was a breakthrough of monumental importance and as a result all Scientologists are required to redo the Student Hat.
- E-meter technology takes a monumental leap forward with the new Mark IX-3/4 E-meter. Featuring technology pulled directly from the whole track this completely redesigned and updated meter offers a number of revolutionary improvements guaranteed to rocket you or your PC’s progress up the bridge (or down the dwindling spiral as deemed appropriate by RTC/OSA).
- Enhanced rock-slam handling – If a rock slam is detected the meter immediately sends a burst of 440 volts through the pc or pre-OT. Additionally RTC and OSA cleanup specialists are remotely alerted.
- The newly improved tone arm blows down in response to IAS and Ideal org donations (monitored and logged remotely on RTC supercomputers).
- The Mark IX-3/4 includes extensive audio monitoring and advanced AI voice recognition capabilities. For example, if the auditor calls an F/N which has not swung thrice in accordance with RTC directives, an RTC ethics squad is silently alerted by the meter. The meter also monitors for any remarks from the pc which could be construed as critical of COB, RTC or Int Management.
- Mark IX-3/4 meters utilize the latest Intel 486 CPU technology to ensure lightning past processing of reads, tone arm changes and important session calculations such as tone arm divisions per IAS dollars given.
- The Mark IX-3/4 features a speedy parallel port which is orders of magnitude (2-3X) faster than the serial port on the Mark Ultra VIII.
- OT IX and X will be released as soon as COB can figure out which cupboard Hubbard hid his notes for these levels in. COB has also bravely volunteered to be the first to audit these levels to ensure there is nothing squirrel in them. Yet another example of how much COB sacrifices for us all to ensure our swift travel up the Bridge to Total Freedom!
- And last but certainly not least the materials comprising the Basics were fully re-reviewed and gotten 100% on-source. COB discovered that many of the books (and even some of the accompanying lectures) contained hitherto undetected improperly typeset commas! These imperfectly presented punctuation marks caused comprehension of key Dianetics and Scientology fundamentals to plummet and even caused several students to be struck permanently blind! As a result of this most important discovery Scientologists are required to burn their squirrel Basics sets and subsequently contact the bookstore officer at their closest org to purchase the new and improved Basic-Basics book and lectures sets (3 set minimum purchase – 1 for your home, 1 for your workplace and 1 for your vehicle).
Once the fundraising for adding a floor to the Super Power building (for the new perceptics machines) is complete and the new floor is completed previous recipients of the Super Power rundown will receive a 10% discount when donating for the new and improved GAT3 Super Duper Power rundown!
And lest you think that deficiencies in the administrative technology of Scientology have escaped the watchful eye of COB, much needed change is being brought to this segment of Scientology as well!
- From this point forward any counter-intention or backflash to an order by COB will result in the offending terminal receiving the R2-45 exteriorization process from an RTC auditor.
- As only straight up and vertical expansion is acceptable to COB all graph papers must be angled appropriately on walls to reflect this. COB must never be allowed to walk into an org and have his saintly eyes fall upon a stat report containing a graph line which is not “straight up and vertical.” Compliance will be policed by the RTC Graph Gestapo.
- As the pilot program at FLAG proved to be a roaring success doing lower conditions is now officially a simple matter of making an appropriate donation to the Church of Scientology. No more figure-figure trying to understand obscure nonsense like “Find out that you are.”
- As auditing and training cannot occur without Ideal Orgs and the IAS safeguarding the Scientology religion, going forward the only birthday game stats which count are those of donations to the IAS and the Ideal2 Org campaigns.
- The birthday game will now be held on COB’s birthday and the game will consist of each org raising enough funds to purchase a gift for COB which costs no less than $50,000 ($100,000 for Ideal Orgs).
- Any PC who does not immediately make a suitably-sized donation (as determined by RTC) to the IAS, Ideal Org, Way to Happiness, or other similar Scientology 4th dynamic-oriented initiative via his or her auditor or examiner after session is to be red-tagged and sent to review for corrective auditing (at the PC’s expense of course). Continued refusal to donate will be considered to be grounds for an SP declare for the PC as well as evidence of gross out-tech on the part of the auditor which may lead to cancellation of all auditing certificates of said auditor. Auditors will do well to remember that per COB a winning PC gives freely!
And to wrap things up in spectacular fashion we have a special surprise – GOLD is proud to announce that all future International Management events will be shown in ClearVision 3D at your local org. Special 3D goggles will be made available to rent from your bookstore officer. This is an epic advance in event tech as COB’s magnificence can only be fully appreciated in 3 dimensions.
These incredible changes factually bring world clearing within our reach – there truly has never been a more exciting time to be a Scientologist! And yes, those of you at the top of the Bridge will have to start over at the bottom with a full study of the Basic-Basics and subsequent redoing of all auditing and training but that is truly a small price to pay for your eternal freedom and salvation! Scientology is in position to crush the psych SPs into dust and usher in a truly golden age for Earth that will last through the millennia!
As a Scientologist it is now your responsibility to visit your nearest registrar, purchase your updated Basic-Basics, and move up to your next status level in the IAS and your local Idealest Org (or Ideal2) program.
S. Quirrel – RTC Tech and History Revision I/C