Join us here each week as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.
Dear COB: My mother is dying and requires a very expensive operation. Her insurance only covers 2/3 and the remainder will cost me several hundred thousand dollars. What should I do sir?
Let her die. You have more important things to do with that money and the old bag can just pick up a fresh body at an Ideal Org baby sale. You need to take that money and immediately donate it all to the IAS and your closest Ideal Org.
Dear COB: When is the new FLAG building opening sir? I’m a Maximus “Thick as a Brick” Cornerstone Fraudiness member and I’m itching to do the rundown that involves the oiliness table!
You almost sound like you are backflashing me!!! You need to knock it off or I’ll order you to the new public RPF I’m creating for backflashers and CI SPs who aren’t donating enough for 4th dynamic expansion! And let me tell you, you do not want to go there. It’ll make the fabled “Hole” look like the Freewinds when the sewage system is backed up (as often happens when Kirstie Alley is aboard.)
Rest assured it will be opening in due time. Tom Cruise (Special Assistant to the COB) and I are personally calibrating the precise oiliness necessary to achieve the proper “blowing” of case. This is requiring many long nights and large quantities of essential oils. As usual I have to do everything because of my incompetent staff!
Dear COB: My org is far from going Ideal and I really need to do the new grades there. Will that be possible sir?
Unfortunately no. The new grades require impeccably maintained expensive buildings with the finest of decorations or they will fail due to the auditor’s TRs going out as a result of the distraction of their downstat entheta surroundings.
You need to take responsibility for your field and help get the fundraising done. It sounds like your field is full of downstat SPs and out-ethics cocks^&kers who waste their precious “money” on frivolous nonsense like food and shelter.
Dear COB: I’m out back of the Hollywood Guaranty Building right now with your delivery of Scotch and you aren’t answering your phone. How do I get in sir?
Knock three times – the code word is YSCOHB.