The Hubbard Course on Computer Technology

The Hubbard Course on Computer Technology

Learn advanced computer skills from mankind’s greatest friend!

Are you ready to learn “L33T” computer skills from the most brilliant hacker this world has ever known? LRH not only “hacked” the human spirit but was also the world’s greatest computer hacker and programming genius of all time. In addition to the forthcoming “Ron the Master Hacker” biographical volume the Church of Scientology is proud to present the new Hubbard Course on Computer Technology!

In 1956 LRH gave a series of lectures which set the technological world on fire. The world’s greatest scientists and brightest minds including Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Nikola Tesla, Aleister Crowley and Leonardo Da Vinci were all in attendance. Also attending this historical advanced clinical course were executives from all of the major computer and desk calculator manufacturers including IBM, Philco, Casio and Apple1. They all flocked to Washington DC to hear this acclaimed nuclear physicist, rocket scientist, medical doctor, retired Navy four-star admiral and funk bass player present the world with his earth-shattering findings on whole-track computer technologies and how they could apply to present-time computing.

Pearls of computing wisdom from Source!

Now if one were to truly master one of these modern computing marvels, why there’s just no limit to what you could do. Why you could quite possibly process hundreds of sales records in just under a week or map the surface of the moon in less than a year’s time. And that’s not to mention what these fantastical machines potentially bring to the arena of world clearing. Just imagine processing upwards of 10 OCA graphs in a single day! Now man that’s a marvelous proposition isn’t it? And based on that proposition I can safely say that this exciting advance in computational ability will allow us to get this planet cleared by oh, let’s say 1984 as an overly conservative estimate…

Now you take one of these marvelous new computing machines with their vacuum tubes and geegaws and what-not. You give one a particularly tough problem to solve and it just wants to fight back with great ferocity you see. Oh it huffs and puffs and gives off a tremendous quantity of heat very similar to what you’d experience in the Van Allen belt and other warm quadrants of the galaxy. Now get this important piece of data – you’ve got to whip it into line with your code see, and let it know who’s boss. Oh I know you learned fellows want to make it much more complex than that but it’s really just that simple. Now let me let you in on a little secret to writing advanced code in the BASIC language that I learned as a Xenutian fleet commander a few hundred-thousand years back…

In the Hubbard Course on Computer Technology you’ll learn:

  • How Ron built the world’s first personal computer using his knowledge of the whole track and advanced alien civilizations.
  • How today’s computers mirror Marcabian technology in every way – even down to the Fedora hats that our modern robotic companions wear.
  • How cooling the vacuum tubes in your personal computing mainframe will make it run faster.
  • Ron’s secret technique for increasing voltage to the tubes to “overclock” your computer for even more computing speed!
  • How computer “crashes” are always caused by an SP in the vicinity.
  • How wiping down your computer every day with church-supplied Theta Polish™ will keep it running like new.

LRH personally wrote the code for Scientology’s Incomm system (publicly acknowledged by Bill Gates2 as the most advanced computer operating and networking system in the world). This was the very technology that the U.S. military stole and twisted to create the internet. And speaking of the internet…

As a special bonus this course provides tools to help you gain competence with the top social networking sites such as Twitter, Facebook, AOL, MySpace, Geocities and Compuserve. The Church of Scientology is beloved worldwide and is a recognized leader in social media with hundreds of millions of devoted followers on all of the popular social networking sites. The church wins awards almost daily for their insightful tweets and Youtube videos which are widely respected for their thetaness and profound wisdom. As a matter of fact a recent tweet the church sent out was so powerful that a war was averted in the Middle East. Upon reading the theta tweet both armies laid down their weapons and reported to their nearest Ideal Org to start on their Basics! Utilizing the tech from this course in conjunction with Scientology’s superior PR technology will allow you to quickly take over the online social space for your professional field!

In the special internet section of this powerful course you’ll learn:

  • The secrets of social media – including Twitter hash tags (don’t try #Scientology though, it’s been taken over by entheta-spewing psych implanted SPs!)
  • How the Church of Scientology’s brilliantly effective PR technology applies to your social media outreach efforts. The church’s PR is renowned far and wide as absolutely perfect. As a result of this PR strategy Scientology is beloved the world over by 99.9% of the world’s population.
  • Exclusive techniques for spamming Craigslist.
  • How the internet is the reactive mind of all Earth beings and how intensive sec-checking is the only way to undo its pernicious influence.
  • You’ll also learn how you should never venture onto the internet without your trusted OSA handler by your side, shielding you from any potential entheta that you might encounter. All sites should be avoided except for which is tested daily by your trusted friends in OSA to ensure it contains only theta comm. As you will learn, all it takes is one seemingly harmless critical thought or question for your previously handled case to come back 10X and make all of your expensive gains disappear! This is exactly how Kirstie Alley ended up with 400 pounds of body thetans.
  • How websites that talk about COB beating staff or having an unnatural attraction to Tom Cruise are actually nests of lies created by psychs!
  • How the psychs and pharmaceutical companies shower fringe bloggers like Tony Ortega and Mike Rinder with wealth for spreading insidious lies about Scientology!
  • How making frequent donations to the IAS and COB’s special projects such as Ideal Org campaigns will help ensure your success online (hint – it has to do with magnets and attraction!)

And that’s not all! If you buy before Thursday at 2:00 PM we’ll include exclusive tips on becoming an “expert on Internet” from COB himself who is universally acknowledged as an expert in every field. And as an added bonus we’ll include a visit from highly trained OSA staff who will thoroughly check your computers and internet for entheta and other eternity-threatening issues.

OSA Professionals

Friendly OSA Professionals

Legal disclaimers that we are forced to include by suppressive psych drug addicted lawyers. Please ignore them using your Blinder Tech per OSA orders!

1. Apple denies this as a baldfaced lie but we have the photos. And we can state unequivocally that they have not been photoshopped in any way as Photoshop1.1 was not in existence in 1956.

1.1 Abobe’s lawyers have dictated that we must include the following disclaimer: “Really? This is straight up the most ridiculous horseshit we’ve ever heard. You can’t seriously think that our client will sign off on this.”

2. Statement from Bill Gates – “I never said this. Who are you people?”

6 responses to “The Hubbard Course on Computer Technology

  1. Very funny!

  2. Now that I have stopped laughing I would like to ask my question. If I use Dianetics on my new computer will it clear away all the memory and put it at risk of exploding like a volcano? PS: I seem to be having trouble with some code I have written can you debug it? *z-e-m-u cannot be found or it is strictly confidential and requires an Other Technology!* * returned to beginning of bridge.* * awaiting GAT3*
    What does it all mean?

  3. “…retired Navy four-star admiral and funk bass player…”

    Little known factoid: LRH invented that Thumb-Popping style of Funk bass playing. People think it was Larry Graham when he was with Sly Stone. That’s just SP Entheta though.

  4. LRH may have invented popping but it was Miscavige that invented slapping.

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