The Slappy Miscavige Management Course

Slappy Miscavige Management Course

How would you like to learn revolutionary and groundbreaking techniques that will enable you to take your business statistics “straight up and vertical?” What if I told you that you could learn these techniques directly from one of the most brilliant corporate executives in the world?

Well now you can thanks to the Slappy Miscavige Management Course!

David Miscavige (or “Slappy” Miscavige as he is affectionately referred to by his underlings) is the COB RTC (Chief of Beatings – Religious Technology Center) and the defacto ecclesiastical leader of the Corporate Scientology cult. Mr. Miscavige has personally overseen the meteoric worldwide growth of the Church of Scientology from a fringe UFO cult to a multi-billion dollar mainstream criminal enterprise. Mr. Miscavige  spearheaded the brilliant criminal scheme to purchase and renovate vastly expensive and largely empty church buildings in every major city worldwide in more than 75,000 countries over the past decade. These pointless and excessively gaudy buildings are fully financed by subjecting cult parishioners to an endless onslaught of mind-numbing and wallet-opening fundraising events.

Corporate moguls have long sought the wondrous secrets that once known will enable them to take large sums of money from people while offering them nothing of any real value in exchange. This is the Church of Scientology’s “exchange in abundance” policy in action – where your customers are the ones providing the abundance and receiving nothing more than a worthless trophy and a certificate denoting a meaningless status while you lounge in the Caribbean or other exotic locales.

In the Slappy Miscavige Management Course you’ll learn:

  • How ruling through violence and intimidation isn’t just for third world dictators anymore.
  • Why repeatedly calling your subordinates dirty c**ksuckers and accusing them of treacherously undermining your every move actually raises morale and builds team loyalty.
  • How beating your staff frequently always sends your statistics into screaming affluence.
  • The correct way to blame all of your mistakes and poor decisions on former employees and colleagues for maximum believability.
  • How keeping your staff in a constant state of fear fosters an atmosphere of unquestioning compliance.
  • How sleep deprivation and malnourishment can help bend insubordinate employees to your will.
  • How human trafficking from impoverished third world countries can enable you to build a poorly educated labor force willing to work for pennies a day.
  • How to speak in a cheesy game show host-style singsongy cadence that hypnotizes your customers.
  • How to build a real estate empire that can be used as a retirement plan through smoke-and-mirrors presentations to hypnotized idiots.
  • How surrounding yourself with sycophantic D-list celebrities can elevate you in the eyes of your corporate peers.
  • How to create a secret police force that terrorizes complaining customers and splits up their families for fun and profit. The East German STASI and Iranian SAVAK have nothing on Slappy’s steely-eyed foot-bullet soldiers in OSA!
  • And most importantly – how to “make money, make more money and make other motherf*&kers produce so as to make money!”

These hard-won secrets were born of Mr. Miscavige’s tireless efforts (literally working 180 hour weeks for months on end!) to manage the largest and fastest growing religion on the planet (10 million new members every month!). We can factually state that these priceless secrets literally and truly transcend primitive Earth technology. All you have to do is look at the results! With upwards of 1 billion members and a quarter of a million bonafide churches, missions and groups in such far flung locales as Bulgravia and Taconesia, Mr. Miscavige’s credentials are exceedingly apparent and above questioning.

Inasmuch that these are truly golden pearls of wisdom and moreover to the point that this knowledge is factually priceless, you might expect to pay millions of dollars to learn these brilliant management techniques. But thanks to his magnanimous generosity Mr. Miscavige is graciously offering this exclusive course for the low, low price of $49,999.99 ($45,999.99 with WISE or IAS discount). But you must act now to take advantage of this limited-time offer. What are you waiting for? Your satisfaction is guaranteed* so you have nothing to lose!

As a special bonus the first 50 people who order this life-changing course will have it personally delivered by Mr. Miscavige. Slappy will be flown directly to your home by none other than ace pilot John Travolta and his co-pilot – Sea Org admiral Tom Cruise. During his blessed visit Slappy will also personally instruct you in the best sucker punch techniques as well as how to beat women and not leave bruises. A brief question and answer period with COB will also be included as part of this special bonus offer. However for the love of God just don’t ask “Where’s Shelly?”

Stellar statistics and flourishing prosperity await!

*Course is backed by a 100% satisfaction guarantee. If you’re not completely satisfied we fully guarantee that you’ll be declared suppressive and have a black PR site created to slander your name. All payments are non-refundable. Actual satisfaction not guaranteed.

2 responses to “The Slappy Miscavige Management Course

  1. We in RTC approve of this SP criminal blog and will be promoting it on ours!

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